a week is a rather short amount of time for so much change.

my job is taking turns i didn't anticipate.  i'm not sure if it'll turn out for the better or worse... can't tell till i get there i suppose.  but i didn't pursue these changes myself, i didn't ask for this.  and it makes me feel out of control and somewhat unsteady... that things can shift so dramatically and so quickly.  i'm sure i'll get used to it and get into the swing of things again when we settle into our new state of normalcy, but it does make me realize that the only thing predictable about my job is how very unpredictable it always is.  

my town is not as safe and sound as it seemed a week ago.  smallville has been rocked by something gruesome and tragic.  our new normal is the national news trucks and their invasive cameras and microphones, checking our locks a bit more before going to bed, cautious and alert eyes guarding the streets, schools in lockdown, parents holding their children a little tighter.  i keep scanning the news every day for the end of the drama to play out, praying that it will in fact come to an end and we won't have to continue too long in this tension.  i don't want to be a pawn to media hype but... it's just true that i'll sleep better when this is done.

my heart is in nearly constant flux and confusion.  the days i ignore it are best.  how can anyone know anything for certain?  and how do we set out on a course for life without knowing where it's going?  answer me with "just have faith" and i'll roll my eyes and be tempted to walk out on you.  faith in God, yes.  but faith in others, in circumstances, in the future, in myself - how?  taking life one day at a time only works if i want to get randomly tossed around by the waves.  at some point i have to set my course, don't i?

i suppose that is only true if i am the only one guiding the vessle.  forgive me as i slip into old christian metaphors here, but if Jesus is my captain i don't suppose it matters much if i know where we're going.  he has a course set and what might feel like randomly tossing in the waves to me might actually be a determined course in a steady direction.  maybe i don't always need to be in control.   

pity.  i do so enjoy control...

anyways, it's been a long and emotional week.  but please don't think i'm so melancholy.  it's just that these moments of introspection tend to reveal more of my fears than joys.  i find it so much easier to worry than to celebrate.  it's not a great trait... i think i got it from my grandma.  but it doesn't necessarily mean that everything is such a mess.  even in the midst of the turmoil and uncertainty, i quite often find myself enjoying the journey.  

i have been wanting to write and lacking the time/energy.  so, at waypastmybedtime o'clock, here goes.

i got sick again.  "you get sick TOO MUCH!!".  i know.  what i don't know is why or how to prevent it.  stress?  shoddy immune system?  not enough broccoli?  i'm at a loss.  this time i got a fun head-fulla-snot cold that has left my nose and upper lip raw from the blowing.  i've gone through three boxes of kleenex since wednesday.  it's pretty fabu.  i took two days off (my "weekend" i guess.  ha ha) to get better and made myself drink tiff's ginger garlic lemon honey tea concoction.  i have to say, that is the most foul thing i've ever brewed.  i think the only reason i drank it the second day was because by then i had lost my sense of smell and taste.  i'm not convinced that it worked because i'm still ridiculously stuffy, but i have got my energy back and am back to work.  which is good.  because it's a busy week.

friends are here!!!  staying in my house!  for a whole week!!  it's so nice.  nice to have a reason to clean up (other than my nagging guilt), nice to have people to sit at the table with, to eat with, to cook for, to watch goofy movies with, to drink coffee together in the morning.  lovely.  i value this, this life together thing... i really do.  i have to remind myself of that because i don't naturally desire it.  but i like it when i'm in it. 

last night i went to a beauty pageant.  only it wasn't a beauty pageant really because boys were in it and it was called a city ambassador pageant.  but there were talents and speeches and impromptu questions and formalwear and glittery crowns and sashes galore.  and it's smallville, so there was the added polish of country music and cowboy hats.  it was great.  and my friend made me so proud, with all her composure and confidence stretching far beyond her sixteen years.  and her crown at the end of the night.  very cool. 

today i went to church and taught the wee buggers for the first time in a long while ("taught" in this case meaning "moderately contained at least 75% of the kids for about 50% of the time").  and they were just as squirmy and interrupty as i remembered them.  but i read them "the very worried sparrow", which was one of my favourite books when i was a wee one and we talked about sparrows and worries and Jesus.  i think i probably learned more than them... but that's ok.  i actually kind of needed to hear it. 

and then i went to a six-year-old's birthday party at dairy queen.  and then i came home and played scrabble and got giggly in a house full of laughter.  and then i stayed up really late laughing even more deeply and remembering how i miss these good times. 

i'm happy.  because this week, in between all the meetings and homework and paperwork and taxes, will be these blessed moments of life. 

"um... Lord... um... we are going to eat this dinner.  and we are going to eat it and have seconds and maybe thirds.  and we will eat until our tummies are full.  amen."

five year olds are awesome.

over the past six months or so, i've been doing a lot of thinking around the word "community".  and how i love it.  and how much i value it.  and how i want to intentionally pursue it and commit to it and build my life around it.

and, most recently, how i suck at it so bad.

(actually, i'm awesome at it.  until everyone else shows up.)

i'm just crap at relationships.  i'm an extremely antisocial introvert with mild claustrophobia, on a good day.  i like people in small doses, like one at a time.  but the more that are around and the more i'm around them, the less i love them with my words and eyes, and suddenly all manner of foul and alarming things pop into my mind and pounce out of my mouth.  i get so very anxious and irritable and all i want to do is run away to the woods to be alone.

rather anti-community behaviour...

but, today the thought is that since i know i value community and i know i'm technically deficient at it, theoretically it is simply a matter of practice and of prayer.  i'm really not expecting to magically transform into a stunning social butterfly, nor would i want to.  it's not me.  but i figure there must be a way to work in the balance, and i want to get better at it.  to get better at proving i love the people i love, even when they are swarming around me and all talking at once and sucking all the silence from the room and my mind and heart.

i want to try. 

at the very least, i want to know i attempt to live what i claim to value.

it's been a while since i've felt the sun burning hot on the side of my face, or heard the sticky sound of mud beneath my feet.

it's been a while since i've stood drenched in the salty scent of the ocean, lulled by the sound of crashing waves.

it's been a while since i've sat still long enough to watch the stars fall from the sky, letting the wind dry my tears.

and i've loved it all, because it's been a good long while.  

but...

though i delight in each reunion, the questions of my heart remain.  and it surprises me that spring brings no resolution.  they're still here, close to the surface, called out even more by each drop of Your presence.

because it's also been a while since i've seen Your footprints stretch out ahead of me or heard Your footsteps close in behind me, since i've had a sense of where we're going.

and it's been a long while since i've prayed with this fervency, calling out to You with nearly every breath.  

and the stars don't answer when i ask them what You want from me...

but it's been a while since anything has mattered this much.