tupology's Xanga

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 21:28:42 GMT

ok, i suppose the funk is breaking.

since i complained about the bummer no-heat summer we've been having, smallvilled answered me by blasting us with two days in the high 30's and the promise of at least one more. yaaay sun! at least it's bc heat - tolerable in the shade and no humidity. i likes it.

i cleaned my house! cousin john and future-cousin-in-law bente came to visit yesterday and visits are wonderful motivation for cleanliness. and visits combined with heat are wonderful motivation to go jump in a lake and bbq sausages and eat ice cream. which is exactly what we did.

i'm still dead tired, but i'm blaming it on the shock to my lazy system of transitioning from my regular schedule of one or two events a week to my summer schedule of one or two events a day. i'm getting lots done though. everytime i have an hour or so to sit still i'm afraid i'll fall asleep so i make myself send another email or type up another report. if i keep this up, maybe i can get a year's worth of newsletter's written this summer...

and in the grand tradition of summer, i'll be too busy to have much of a birthday party again this year. having a birthday in the summer really isn't as much fun as it should be. i always felt like it was a bit of a rip off growing up. no one can decorate your locker or bring cupcakes for the class. and everyone is away on vacation or at camp or doing something much more fun and adventurous than coming to my little party. i've had a birthday in africa where i baked myself a candy cake, a birthday in brazil where i dug trenches all day, birthdays at various retail jobs with balloons tied to my wrist or ribbons tied in my hair, and too many to count working at camp chasing after little kiddies and smelling like sunshine and fire. which is what i'll be doing this year too. i'll turn 30 on day three of jr. high camp, which i'm sure won't make me feel old at all as jr. highers are so well known for their general tact and respect for their elders... so that'll be fun. actually, if this camp works out and the kids can come, i can't really think of anywhere else i'd rather be (except maybe hawaii... ). they're such a great group of kids and i'm looking forward to having a few days of fun with them. though, i do still feel like i need to mark this particular birthday in some monumenous way... but can't seem to come up with anything.

ideas anyone?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 14:13:10 GMT

i'm in a funk.

my house is a total wreck and i can't care. i'm eating a lot of mr. noodles and frozen leftovers. i don't feel like i'm getting any sleep even though i'm getting plenty. i don't want to do much of anything but sit and read and go back to bed.

yuck.

it's summer but it's been unusually rainy. and when it stops raining and the sun comes out, the wind picks up making it cold and annoying to be outside. so i'm not doing much walking, not being one who particularly enjoys being soggy or blown to bits. and i don't have the gas money to go escape over the mountains for a day or a weekend anymore. it's too expensive to escape.

and i'm out of coffee.

AND i'm turning 30 in three weeks.

blah.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 02:51:50 GMT

i smell like fire and i saw the stars.

some days are bathed in gold. not just trim on the edges of my regular humdrum life. but days when everything is dipped deep and coated in holiness.

i think some stories must be written on the walls of heaven, they must be part of what holds it up, these bits of faith and fortitude, these pieces of life that won't let go of hope. there's got to be some eternal museum of grace, and the women i know, their portraits line the walls.

they make me believe it's possible to be faithful.

and the summer stars make me want to be.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 13:40:33 GMT

the other night i had a dream that i was playing a new version of the game of life.

for the first half of the game, everyone was employed in some bland office building and everything was marked by a sense of misery and impatience. but halfway through the game, it could all change. remember the square on the old game of life board that said "stop! get married!!"? well in my dream, that square was gone and replaced with one that said "stop! decide your future". after putting ten years of your life into drab office tedium, you could land on this little square and with a lucky roll of the dice, you'd have your dream job. and not just "doctor" or "lawyer" either, but dream jobs people actually want, like "starbucks corporate management" or "international affairs correspondent" or "UN humanitarian aid coordinator". and you could choose where you wanted to live, a chic downtown apartment or a luxury ranchland estate. roll again to choose your vehicle, do you want a hummer (no!) or a prius? roll once more to determine your financial portfolio, how much you'll play the market, how much you'll lavish on your favourite charitable organization. and after you're content with how you've set your course for the rest of your life (or at least for the rest of the game), you could decide whether or not to get married. last on the list of options for this round, it appeared trivial, something that would inevitably slow you down and possibly jeopardize that brilliant dream job you just landed. in fact, i got the sense that the only reason it was included in the game at all was sentimental - no one who actually wanted to win would choose to get married at the height of their game. but the manufacturers must have known that every once in a while there'd be a player who wouldn't care about winning at all and would be content with the drab office job and suburban bungalo, the slower pace and the company.

i hate dreams that have me thinking harder when i'm asleep than i do when i'm awake. it's exhausting. (by the way, i'm blaming the underlying philosophy of this dream primarily on a movie *someone* took me to see before her wedding! )

i also had a dream that my sis & bro-in-law came out to smallville to visit with my beautiful baby niece. i sat with her at a restaurant while she giggled and mumbled her way through her one-year-old version of "if you're happy and you know it clap your hands". and i loved watching her face light up when we all clapped.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Thu, 29 May 2008 13:11:14 GMT

i'm noticing that when things are new, we count everything.

"i've been sober 5 days"
"she's six weeks old today"

even the smallest measures of time are important when they are making up the things that matter to us.

"i'm seven and three quarters!"
"the wedding is in nine days and two hours!!"

i'm interested to mark where it is that we stop counting and start trying to remember...
because there is a beauty to behold in both, in the newness and the history.
and i'm blissfully enjoying the former but still impatient for the latter...

nevertheless, three months.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Sun, 25 May 2008 15:11:54 GMT

last night i was at a concert (www.brokenwalls.com) in a beautiful little mountain town. the music was awesome, but there were these two little girls who really stole the show. they couldn't have been more than five, one wearing a bright red dress and one with long pigtails and a butterfly tshirt. every time the band started to play their faces lit up and they ran to the front and started to dance. they'd jump all over, waving their arms, grinning and giggling and falling out of their flip flops. they'd close their eyes and scrunch up their noses and spin with the most enviable abandon. they danced their little hearts out for about two straight hours. even when they were tired and sweaty and their little eyes were glazing over, they'd stay up there and just kind of sway or walk around. like they just couldn't imagine sitting to music. so beautiful.

the past couple weeks have been like that, twirling and spinning in moments of beauty, moments that feel heavy with the presence of God. it's somewhat overwhelming... and i so want to sit here and describe each one (if i just had the time and energy!) i also want to whine about how tired i am and feel sorry for myself because i have a couple busy weeks. but when i stop and think about it, i love it. and i just can't imagine sitting any of these out.

even if all i can do is sway a little, i want to dance.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Thu, 08 May 2008 14:08:23 GMT

apparently in the summertime i am a staunch morning person. the sun starts peeking through my bedroom window around 6:30 these days, gently warming me awake. i try to fight it, i really do so love my sleep. but how do you say no to another day of sunshine? so i'm waking up around 7 and finding time for all sorts of things. yesterday i decided to pick up the guitar again and played until i got a nice puffy blister on my finger. today i played til i broke my pick. i'm sure the neighbours are all glad that i'm waking up early.

it's spring! i want a garden!! i want flowers and patio furniture and a barbecue. i know i would kill the flowers with my endless summer absence and i would probably never actually use patio furniture (mostly because i don't have a patio) but my mom is coming next week and i just thought how lovely it would be to sit outside with her and coffee and flowers and smallville's early morning sun. well, at least there will be coffee.

i am going away next week and when i come back my mom will be with me. which means i have to clean my whole entire house before monday. i'm busy this weekend so i really only have today and tomorrow. anyone care to wager on the likelihood that i will leave it til monday morning?

well, smallville's sun is early and persistent and fickle. now that i'm up, it's hailing. perhaps i should just go back to bed.

i just can't stop giggling at these guys.

Tue, 06 May 2008 11:24:57 GMT

better together

Sat, 03 May 2008 15:07:27 GMT

the essential elements of a good day:

sleep in

coffee

drive over the mountains (playing jars of clay's "redemption songs")

drool around a camera shop, book store, and ten thousand villages

spend recklessly at value village (the game "pit" and a blue suede belt for $4.46!)

hot sunshine & summery tunes ("brazilian groove")

ribs for dinner at swiss chalet

find a new park to hike

keep experimenting with the new camera

sit still

watch the water

sing with jack johnson all the way home ("in between dreams")

and, just for good measure, end the day with warm brownies and ice cream.

note: this day is best spent with someone holding your hand.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 19:27:52 GMT

a week is a rather short amount of time for so much change.

my job is taking turns i didn't anticipate. i'm not sure if it'll turn out for the better or worse... can't tell till i get there i suppose. but i didn't pursue these changes myself, i didn't ask for this. and it makes me feel out of control and somewhat unsteady... that things can shift so dramatically and so quickly. i'm sure i'll get used to it and get into the swing of things again when we settle into our new state of normalcy, but it does make me realize that the only thing predictable about my job is how very unpredictable it always is.

my town is not as safe and sound as it seemed a week ago. smallville has been rocked by something gruesome and tragic. our new normal is the national news trucks and their invasive cameras and microphones, checking our locks a bit more before going to bed, cautious and alert eyes guarding the streets, schools in lockdown, parents holding their children a little tighter. i keep scanning the news every day for the end of the drama to play out, praying that it will in fact come to an end and we won't have to continue too long in this tension. i don't want to be a pawn to media hype but... it's just true that i'll sleep better when this is done.

my heart is in nearly constant flux and confusion. the days i ignore it are best. how can anyone know anything for certain? and how do we set out on a course for life without knowing where it's going? answer me with "just have faith" and i'll roll my eyes and be tempted to walk out on you. faith in God, yes. but faith in others, in circumstances, in the future, in myself - how? taking life one day at a time only works if i want to get randomly tossed around by the waves. at some point i have to set my course, don't i?

i suppose that is only true if i am the only one guiding the vessle. forgive me as i slip into old christian metaphors here, but if Jesus is my captain i don't suppose it matters much if i know where we're going. he has a course set and what might feel like randomly tossing in the waves to me might actually be a determined course in a steady direction. maybe i don't always need to be in control.

pity. i do so enjoy control...

anyways, it's been a long and emotional week. but please don't think i'm so melancholy. it's just that these moments of introspection tend to reveal more of my fears than joys. i find it so much easier to worry than to celebrate. it's not a great trait... i think i got it from my grandma. but it doesn't necessarily mean that everything is such a mess. even in the midst of the turmoil and uncertainty, i quite often find myself enjoying the journey.