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SubscriptionsSites I Read
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| NY May Soon Have a Blind Governor.
Spitzer probably to resign over Prostitution ring scandal.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/10/nyregion/10cnd-spitzer.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin
David A. Patterson will probably be the first blind Governor in the nation.
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| Throw the bookbag over the wall.
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| Winging it one last time.People change slowly. Piece by piece, parts of people gets chipped away and new pieces take their place. Every second we're changing, and if we don't pay attention, parts of us get knocked out and we become someone who we never wanted to be. Then we wonder how and why it happened afterwards.
My parents always told me to live each day with the same principles, and to always do the right thing even if other people were doing otherwise. I looked around and people were living more varied lives, doing things differently each day, yet still getting to the same place. It seemed like more fun, more exciting, but now I know they were probably looking at me and thinking, "wow, I wish I had that discipline every day", because that's what I think now.
Kenny Smith said in last night's Knicks broadcast that "David Lee knows what his is good at. Not many people in the League know that." David Lee just does what he does best. He's added to his game, but he hasn't changed how he plays it. You feel the same intensity, the same level of care every game from him. Not every one is cut out to be an All-Star, and David Lee will probably never get to that level. But he does one thing that many All-Stars never do: he does his best each game and gives it his all when he's called upon to play. Even though his all is not good enough for All-Star consideration, he's more successful than most of the players in the NBA.
So I've changed a lot the past year. I've always been the one to study my butt off before each test to make sure that I was the most prepared I could be, so that I would cover every single base the teacher could possibly hit to. But, the past year I've taken school a lot more lightly. I used to get worried if I didn't study at least a week before tests; now, I don't study until the night before if at all. It's a dangerous game to play, but I've always wondered how smart I really was and how much I could really figure out on the spot in a pressure situation during a test in which I knew only the frameworks/big picture. Frankly, I've surprised myself and a lot of occasions, but I've also figured out that I'm not the brightest since my grades aren't as high as they once were, in the days where I studied a lot. The past year has been fun, and very enlightening, but I can't take it anymore.
Maybe I'm a coward, maybe I'm not a natural gambler, but my parents are right when they say there things in your life, your personality that you just can't change. I used to hate when they said this because I'd look at all the people in the world that have seemingly flipped their life upside and yet have been super successful, and think that I was capable and smart enough to make that switch in my life too. And I did it this year, I made the switch to turn my entire way of life around, but I've learned 2 things from it: switches aren't made right away in life, and two, I miss being the old me, being most prepared. For 19 years of my life, that was my competitive advantage, the one key that took me from being another Asian kid in Queens, to another Asian kid in Stuyvesant High School, the freaking best school in the nation, to being a captain of a team playing a sport that I only tried as a scrawny sophomore 2 years prior (not that I'm still not scrawny). I worked to get there and I hope in the eyes of others, I deserved and earned it. Yet, it's funny how easy it is to get sidetracked, to be totally illogical, and move away from what made you successful to try something else, something totally opposite.
This process wasn't a total waste of time, but now that I've reached the total opposite end of the spectrum of who I was, it's time to make a decision. I can continue to push the envelope and live life in the total opposite way that I was brought up by my parents, and hope that one day I'll be comfortable doing so. But I really don't want to experiment any more. I'm tired of constantly thinking about every little decision in life. There's a constant struggle to make sure that I do things to match the "new me", but yet it always conflicts with uncertainty of outcome. Old me was about preparation, details, predictability and certainty; new me was about knowing the big idea and figuring out things so I could change outcomes on the move. And this constant struggle between the old and new is why people change slowly, and never, or hardly ever, can flip a switch in their life and be someone totally different.
I'm tired of thinking, not reacting. I'm tired of wondering about my values, and worrying about whether I can do anything in life if I continue the way I do. Maybe I'll miss out on some opportunities by going back to the prepared kid and spending more time to do the things that I do, but ultimately, that's who I am. I can't keep living life trying and hoping that one day I can be like the people I see. I've got to get back to the person that got me where I am today so that I can move forward to who I want to be.
I have a strong feeling that I'm going to look back and read this entry and laugh about how completely silly I sounded. I hope by that time I've learned to reconcile my two ways of life and be able to draw upon both whenever the situation calls for it. But for now, I'm going happily back to my old ways first. Then I'll see where life takes me.
I really hope I'll pass my final tomorrow,
Perry
PS I notice that my comments link say "huck it to me deep". That's terribly ironic because I haven't caught a huck in a game with someone guarding me in 3 years. That's one thing I'm going to put a lot of work on this winter.
PPS I can't believe I still like to play ultimate frisbee even after almost all of you (i.e. Sticky Finger alum) have dropped off. Ultimate frisbee is almost like an opposite end to business. Hippies don't do finance. Whatever. I don't want to conform that much...
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| I graduated high school regretting not going through it with more fun.
Now that I've done that in college for the past 2.5 years, it's funny, but I guess only predictable, that I wish I had studied a bit more.
We want what we see in others that we don't have.
When we get it, we want what we once had.
I've got to figure what I really want for the rest of my life.
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