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| ..Who knew there would be this much pain and heartache..
»breaking it down
I never thought that it could hurt this much. To get so fucking attached to a person, not even as if they were you boyfriend. cause fuck man, i didn't ever think of him like that ever since yeahh .. but he walked out of my life, and the moment he stepped back into my life, it was as if everything was falling into place.. i started to find myself again. i wasn't so hurt anymore. It's like he took all the pain away from me. He made everything all better. He was my go to guy. Everytime something would happen, whether it would be good or bad, i went to him. i talked to him about it. and for some reason, just having him to talk to , just made a lot of the hurt go away. There was something about talking to him and having him as my bestfriend that made everything just right.
I can never forget that one morning. I called him in tears. I could not stop crying cause what had happened. And even though i knew that no matter what i said, he couldn't do anything to make me feeel better. but i talked to him about it. and it was like, he completed me in that , he felt what i should have felt as oppose to what i did feel. I felt so upset, angry, sad, and hurt by what had happened when i should have been pissed off. BUt i wasn't pissed off cause I'm an idiot. He was the first person i called cause i trusted him.
I trusted him with my heart and life. He was my fucking best friend. I thought he would always be there for me. We has gone through shit before, but i thought that, since we had been through it, and we got over it, that this time was better. This time was gonna be different. But i was wrong cause at first, it kind of was. But then I don't know, as time passed.. for some reason, it seemed as if, it was all abotu his problems. and what was good for him.. and what wasn't going his way. And when i would try to tell him something, it kind of was as if he didn't even care anymore. like everything just had to be about him.
He promised me that he would forever be there. that i could trust him. that he wouldn't lie to me. He said he would never break his promises. He said this time would be different. Then this happened, the same thing that happened before. He got what he wanted [[that girl]]... and he just left me hanging. He left his fucking best friend hanging. Some best friend that is. It's as if he is trying to erase our friendship from his whole life. Make it as if i never existed, as if our whole friendship was never there. And its killing me inside.
With every attempt that i make in order to try to fix things to make things all better.. i only get shot down and hurt even more. He doesn't try anymore. The last time we spoke , he apologized for not talkiing to me and he acted as if he regretted it and as if he learned his lesson or whatever, but ever since then, he still hasn't spoken to me. Its been like this for a few months now, and i feel as if i have been going through hell.. and i hate it. i really do . i just feel like at any minute, i could blow up .. i'll end up in the hospital... for being heartbroken... sad thing is, it isn't even over a boyfriend or crush or that shit. Its over my BEST damn FRIEND.
»on another note
I havn't been myself lately. I've been there physically, but mentally, i feel as if i have been distancing myself from others. Distancing myself from the people that i care about the most. The people that i know will always be there for me. They would never hurt me the way I've already been hurt.
»Anh Hai- You and I have not known each other for that long but like i've always said. Even when we FIRST met, we always clicked. You were able to tell me anything nad everything. And straight from the beginning, i felt as if i could trust you. and since that day, i only learned more and more how to trust you. I can tell you anything and everything and not expect you to judge me from it. YOu just kind of understand everything that i've beeen going thorugh casuse youre just that good. i know that theres times when you feel as if theres ntohing you could od or sayt o make me feel better, but you have to know that youre presence, you just being there for me makes me feeel better. Thank you Anh Hai, for always being there for me, and not letting me down. thanks for sticking by my side, regardless of how stupid i act most of the time. Thanks Anh hai.. for being my Anh Hai.
»Ling- Man, I dont even know what to say to you. FUck man, i don't even have to tell you things anymore, i think you just start to just be able to know what's going on with me and yaeh. YOu always know to react. and although we've had our share of retarded conversations, we both know that at the end of the day, i could always talk to u about shit tOo ... you are like the sister i never had, no joke. and you know that. I could tlak to you about anything and everthing. Even in silence lol. thanks for putting up with my shitt linh. i love and admire you for it.
»Nhi&Jackie- Harrr... we only got closer lately.. but its been great. I wish i could see you (Nhi) more often, but with working for me, and your parents its hard, but i know that youre only one call away and you know that you could always call me toO if you want. I love you BOTH to death. you guys are like my little sisters... except better because i would never want to kill you =D haha.. but yeahs. thanks for the smiles and the laughs.. thanks for all the chills, and thanks for always being there. i love you guys. <3
»JuLia- So i guess it's true, we have really started to slip from each other, but i know that even when i need you most, you'll always be there for me, and i hope that you know that i'll always be there for you when you need me as well. My phone is better now, and i'm receiving all my calls, most of the time, so yeahs, just call ups... and like, yeahhh whenever you need to talk or whatever. If i'm working, i'll call u back.. but yeahs, thanks juLee for being there for me to talk to, when things get rough and all that.Thanks for not judging me for being the stupid person that i am. thanks for all the smiles and aluighs, as well as the tears and the pain... Having you with me, has most definitely helped to make me a stronger person. bOogernut<3buttmuncher.. never forgotten <3 i looove you homie! <3
»Marifi- Our friendship has proven so much to me, we havn't seen each other in four years, and still, when i need you most, you are still there.. even though you are 3851759815618965 miles away from me, i can still depend on you when i need you the most. I love you bestestest more then you would ever know. I miss those times that i could just walk up to your house, for the randomest reasons, and just be stupid with you. I loved how your family, was like a second family to me. I love how you knew everything about me, without me having to tell you. i love how you just understoood me.. without an explanation. you just got it. I love how you knew what was wrong before i even knew it was bugging me THAT much. I miss how things use to be. I miss you and your family. I miss the walks over to Mickey D's with all those quarters just to get some McChickens. LOL. I miss it all. i love you bestest.
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Merry Christmas! and Happy New Years <3
i only have really, one wish.. maybe its counted as two.. but im not gna say it... cause i know it wont happen anyways. merry christmas.
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| »Me Time«
You're the most important thing in the world to me
Can't you get it through your head
I ain't never gonna leave you, I ain't about to
Baby don't you understand how much I love you
I'm not deserving of your doubt and lack of trust for me
Boy it's disturbing you wouldever think that low of me
I've told you everything and anything that's going on
That's why I want you to know
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNIE HIPPO! I LOVE YOU SOO MUCHIES! <3
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| Maybe, just maybe, i've been looking at this all wrong.. i havn't been thinking as much as i use to.. i don't think through with everythin thats been going on.. i just kinda shrug em off and continue ... but its cause ive been hurt soo many times.. all i want to do is just ignore all the shit that i get put through.. i just can't handle the shit anymore.. so im so gullible.. i really am.. you could tell me the stupidest shit and being me, i'd probably go with it.. cause im just that gullible.. im tired of trusting people when in the end, it all ends up retarded in the end.. i can't take anymore lies.. and no more deceit.. i need people to fucking be honest with me.. and not make themselves to be the good guys when they aint.. i dont mean for them to be the bad guys.. i just don't want them to lie to me to make themselves look better and feel better bout themselves.. im not a person to judge.. im not a person that will be blunt bout something and come straight out and say that youre fucking two faced or anything.. i take the time to get to know a fucking person, and even then.. i dont say that shit.. its not who i am.. but i have noticed lately, that i have been the person to do that.. and i hate that im becoming the person to believe every fucking thing that im told... it beings me deeper and deeper into the shit that i've been putting myself through....
This world is so full of people being fake.. people changing themselves to make themselves appear better then they really are.. or maybe they're doing a horribly bad job trying to make themselves look better and they're making themselves look bad... and i just don't get it.. why the fuck would you change yourself.. i mean, how good could the people be if you have to change yourself and the way you are to fit in with the people that you may think are cool.. i mean.. okay there may be that clique and that group of people that you just thought were so damn cool.. but come on, to change yourself and be unhappy deep inside about yourself cause of the person that you've become.. is it really worth it?
People change themselves not only to fit in with that certain clique.. but sometimes they change themselves to make them family be proud of them.. hah.. i use to be one of those people.. but in time, i did learn adn realize that no matter what i did... they were never proud of me.. they never were satisfied with the stuff i did.. it was as if they were searching for that little or big flaw that i had in myself.. and they would always find it.. and they would alwys put me down for it.. maybe they did it unintentionally.. i dont know.. but i do know that i've grown up a little more.. and ive learned not to let that shit bug me.. and on occasion when it does, i learn to suck it up and not let them know how much it gets to me... and i have those people that i know care, right there beside me and holding my hand every step of the way.. and those people i will love and cherish the rest of my life... i love you guys..
but..
what will i do when i don't have that hand to hold?
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My name is Nguyet. I am known as Mae, Nikki or NuNu. I was born on
