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uncatagorizedrockgoddess
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Birthday: 1/7/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: NFTY, TSHY, singing, fashion design, music, politics, mind expansion, silly online cartoons, meeting new people, seeing new places. hanging out with all different kinds of people, people watching, psychology, human nature, my own human nature. evolution, global warming. the environment, good books. history. hippies. communes. socialism. democracy. pretty things, shiny things. ugly things that are really beautiful. photograpy, painting, drawing. my art, and other peoples art. sleeping and doing nothing and wasting time. influencing, being influenced, absorbing, and staying true to myself. love and loving, not just people but everything.
Occupation: Retired
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  MermaidOuttaWata
Member Since:
6/10/2003
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| thanks mommaybe its hereditary. my mom is drawn to the sick, the dying, the weak. she cant escape death, old age, disease. it surrounds her and haunts her. me, i'm haunted by the sick, but another kind- the depressed, the weak of mind. the suicidal, the hopeless. i constantly tell my mom, when she seems out of steam, not able to keep on giving, that it's her place. that this is what she was meant for and its her destiny- shes a comforter and a solver and a divine mother. its her role in the world to help and to defend the sick and dying. but it is my job to cure sadness? to make people want to live who believe they have nothing to keep going for? am i really capable of this huge task? but it seems that these people, either im drawn to them or they are drawn to me. even those i considered happy-go-lucky, eventaully they are revealed as deeply suffering behind joyful facades. i dont know how to help. i can feel that this isnt a coincedence, this pattern, but what can i really do besides offer a shoulder to cry on? how do you convince someone that their life is worth living, no matter what? that they have worth, that mean something to the world, and to me?
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| something like pain..we're just two lost souls swimmin in a fish bowl, year after year
the first moment i saw you- the talent show. i thought you looked like an old man in a little boy's body, so beautiflul i couldnt tell exactly what it was i was looking at. remember watching movies at expo? and the necklace i stole from you. then raw corn and the kiss. your dreds and my virginity..nothing lasts. the mug you bought me, (it broke.) the pillow i made- the song that still reminds me of you. hating you on christmas day. my birthday, the fortune teller, knowing everything about us. 10 days of silence. one or two other moments, and today. i knew you didnt want me there but i couldnt leave. you used to melt me with a glance, and i wanted that back. what i meant to say was, i used to love you.
i sure know how to make a holiday memorable..and why do these things always happen in the fall?
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| idiot..wow so basically i just feel like the stupidest person ever. im never this girl..i hate this. im always the one who doesnt expect anything, who doesn't want anything and doesn't get hurt. im the heartbreaker not the one who gets dissapointed. this blows. the second i decide i like someone for real i get totally shot down. and i cant even be angry at him because hes so fucking nice. i cant even hate him, its not his fault he doesnt like me. i just feel really dumb and i hate being in this position. i never fucking get like this! the last time i really got hurt was josh heintz. no one since then mattered. this is nothing compared to that though. ill be over it soon, whatever. its not that big of a deal. im just..idk. i am sad. and its just weird for me to have feelings like that..i just dont get like this. i move on, i dont care. even if i kind of could see things happening with someone, its never a big deal if they dont. because i never have expectations. but i kind of just got..idk..im probably just being a fucking drama queen. idk. moping around like a loser. ill probably fuck justin when i go home this weekend. ha.
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| ouchies!i just dont think josh cares about me. anymore. he used to be so infatuated with me..i really miss the way we used to be. he was so sweet, and i guess i loved the way he was so into me. i definitely miss that. i realize that both times we were really good together, we were drinking. and when he said all thosse sweet things..im sure he was drinking most of the time. i mean a perfect example is a text from him i have saved.."dont tell me its the booze talking because its not..i care about you so much more that anyone before and i'm all smiles when i get texts from you." it was the booze talking. but does that mean he really does care about me? i mean sometimes the truth tends to come out when your inebriated..but maybe he just gets more emotional when drunk and it seems like he cares about me. but the way things have been lately i have no reason to believe that he even has feelings for me at all anymore. i mean the way he treated me this weekend was extremely painful. and talking to him is painful. we have nothing to say to each other anymore and we always piss each other off. i was so excited for him to come see me..he wasn't excited at all. i mean it seemed like he was annoyed that i was really looking foward to it. basically i really jsut dont think he likes me at all anymore. i shouldve realized i wasnt different..i mean DUH, he said right out that he falls for every pretty face that walks by. obviously he never loved me, thats just silly. and i dont love him either. i care about him alot, and this hurts. but love is something else all together. it's probably not a good idea for me to go see him over spring break. i mean, i want to see him. i don't want to never see him again, and i dont want to never talk to him again. but it doesnt make me happy at all. and i think i'm better off just cutting him out of my life. but i cant really do that..i'm pretty much addicted to heartbreak. maybe it triggers a certain chemical release..i'm an addict, really. it's just plain science.
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| so josh is here. idk what the fuck this kid is about..im totally confused and sad. idk what im doing anymore. he wasn't excited to come. i told him i was excited and he was like, stop saying that. when he got here friday night he wouldnt kiss me. all night. and i kinda brushed it off at first but as the night went on i was getting upset by it and just weird things he would say, like we were standing in front of the place we were looking for, burrito loco, and i was like where the fuck is it and he was like oh its right there, and we laughed and he was like youre really bad at this. and we laughed and i was like no your just really good at it. and he says to me, youre going overboard. and i'm like..wtf..? thats weird..w/e..so dinner was alright and everything but like he was tired and wanted to go home, and we were walking back towards penn station through washington square park and i dont remember wwhat he said but he said something that really upset me. and i just start walking completely the wrong direction and im like dont follow me, you wanna go that way, penn's over there. and idk what happened i guess i gave up on it. w/e. but i remember i was pissed and when we got there we waited in line to get his ticket and when he went up to the window i walked off. idk why i was mad, i forget. so we get on the train and i upset because he just will not kiss me. i feel like im hanging out with a guy friend who has no idea i have a crush on him. its really starting to upset me. so im like kissing his neck and stuff and hes like, not here. so im mad so im pouting and i just kinda sit and dont talk to him. and then at some point im jsut so frustrated that i have him pick out a lipglosss (they taste good) for me to put on. and im like oh you should smell it, this causes a slight lip gloss fight, ya know whatever, flirty, but he still isnt gonna kiss me. ok so at home we watch purple rain. (dont even fucking ask..the kid's quirky..idk.) and im like trying to get close or whatever and he just keeps shooting me down. and im pouting and whatever. and at the end of the movie i just attack him. and like we're laughing and whatever and hes like oohh youre a rapist haha..but he like..doesnt wanna touch me. at all. like he concedes a few kisses..but FUCK THAT..i shouldnt have to settle for conceded kisses thats RIDICULOUS. this kid is my fucking boyfriend and he doesnt want to fucking kiss me..WHAT THE FUCK. i'm not asking for a whole lot..i just want him to show some kind of interest. im fucking pissed jsut writing this. I'M DAMN FUCKING PISSED. anyway. the next day, i dont really have anything planned and he wants to go to jay and silent bobs secret stash, this comic book store in red bank. so we drive 2 hours to see this damn comic book store. everything is kinda nice, not great or spectacular but nice. he talks about music the whole way there and i listen. comic book store is a comic book store..w/e. we're walking around we see this other cool store and go in, we're looking around and whatever, he sees this rubber duckie trash bin and hes like if i had any money left id buy it. and im like dude its 12 bucks, i'll buy it. so i buy him the fucking thing. the place has a photo booth, so he wants to do pictures. cute. i like this idea. i want a picutre of us kissing, i go for it, he refuses. "not here." WE'RE A DAMN ENCLOSED FUCKING BOOTH. WTF. so i'm fucking ANGRY at this point. i'm done. i stalk out of the store fucking steaming. i walk as far from him as possible, lke the other side of the sidewalk. we see this candy store we were thinking of going in before but didnt, and hes like, youre allowed to go in you know. so i debate going in and im like no. i'm fucking mad. so i sit down and lean against the wall and hes like i dont get it and i'm like, i'm dont get you. wtf. i tell him my greivances and hes like i dont want to have an argument on the sidewalk blah blah blah so im like, if we walk back to the car will you tell wtf your issue is? so we start walkign back to the car and the sidewalk is fucking deserted. the closet people to us are a block ahead of us walking away from us. and im like can we jsut fucking talk and he wont and im like no ones fucking around!!! so we get back in the car and hes like mad at me now, and hes like im sorry i wont fucking make out with you in a photo booth but it can never just be one kiss with you youre crawling all over me blah blah blah but im just not like that or some shit, idk and i get upset and at this point im crying and im like, i just dont understand, you dont see your girlfriend for two months youd think the first thing youd wanna do is kiss her. i can almost understand not wanting to show affection in public, w/e, i dont like it but i guess i can deal, but when we;re in my goddamn bedroom alone, i expect you to show me how you feel, and i shouldnt have to bed you, ya know if you dont like me anymore you should just tell me. and hes like i told you thats not it. and i'm like, i feel pathetic, i shouldnt have to beg you for attention, i fucking love you, you make me feel terrible about myself. and im like maybe you should jsut go home now..some other stuff i dont remember the conversation exactly but i was reeeeeeaally upset. im crying alot by now. and hes silent and im silent and i'm like, i think we're done. i'm miserable when your not here, i'm miserable when you are here. and he doesnt say anything. doesnt look at me, doesnt look upset at all. nothing. and im like, you dont have anything to say? youre not gonna try to talk me out of it? and hes like its a one person decision and im like it doesnt have to be and hes like you raise a good point. so we;re jsut kinda sitting and its sinking in and i dont know how i feel about it. so im like we still goin to seaside? and we drive to seaside. and everythings the same but kinda better. i mean i kinda feel nauesous and stuff and regret it and dont regret and feel ambivalent..butits all kinda at the back of my mind and we;re actually getting along like nothing happened. so on the way home i pull over in kiwanis park. i wanna get some fucking attention already, this is getting ridiculous. so we're pulled over and im like c'mere and hes like idk i dont wanna complicate things and im like its not gonna change anything i just wanna be with you now. and hes like im afraid youre just gonna put me on a bus tomorrow and ill never see you again, and im like i already said i dont want that, i wanna still talk and see you and everything, and we talked about the summer and how it'll be easier and we'll see each other regularly and such. and with much coercion we make out a little and i manage to drag him into the back seat but he wont even really give me any tongue let alone anything else. and hes like its time to go and im like we have plenty of time and hes like im trying to politly say i have some boundaries you need to respect. whatever. fine. stupid..but whatever. we get back in the front seat to go home and we kiss again and hes like sarah..and i'm like josh, i love you. he goes, i know. and im like, just checking. he hasnt said it once, not since hes been here, not when i saw him monday, not on the phone for quite a long time. idk when the last time was. he doesnt talk to me like he used to, he used to be so sweet and i loved the way he made me feel. now he just makes me feel like a groupie. he makes me feel desperate. at kiwanis i told him i dont wanna be without him. that i broke up with him because i felt like he didnt wanna be with me anymore. he didnt deny it then. i wish he would just say, i do want to be with you. i do still feel the same about you, i came here because i love you and i want to be with you. not because i was bored and there are no other girls in my life right now. anyway when we did get home we watched an evening with kevin smith, and i kinda cuddled up to him on the couch and such and he didnt object but he didnt initiate. and we changed positions alot because we were both tired and its a small couch, hard to get comfortable lay down and whatever. so im startin to get ticked again because hes not showing any interest in having me near him at all. im like all the way on the other side laying down, making sure to not touch him. and i give him some stony glares. and after a couple minutes i guess he caught on because he took my hand and motioned for me to lay down in front of him, kinda spoon style. which was nice. not the most comfortable ever but its just so nice to be close to him. and that did make me happy, just laying with him, hes like half asleep and im just kinda breathing his breath and i felt very content. but thinkig about it now, i shouldnt have to give him "im mad at you stop being a deusch" signals and looks for him to do that. he should just do it. from the fucking beginning too.
idk what i want anymore. i feel alot for josh. but i get fed up with him pretty quick. its not any of his dumb quirks that bother me though, its the way he treats me. and i feel like thats something pretty fundamental. like it would be unreasonable for me to be like, look, youre really into prince and comics and i cant be with you because of that. thats actually kinda what i like about him. but the way he's been treating me isnt cool. i dont understand it. i dont like it. i dont know how he feels about me, he hasnt said anything about it. i mean, when i said you dont like me anymore he denied that. but what does that really mean..i mean he's not gonna jsut be like yea, i have to spend the next 24 hours with you, but yea i realy dont like you anymore, i dont wanna be with you. he probably doesnt. im sure he regrets coming here. i regret his coming. it hasnt been fun. there were nice moments. there were very amiable moments. but there was alot of shit in between. and alot of boring in between. and thats probably 85% the fault of new jersey and not our relationship, the boringness. but still. idk what to do. idk what tomorrows going to be like. i feel like we wasted today.
omg. my mom jsut came in. i guess she was going to the bathroom. i told her to get the fuck out and started sobbing. she wanted to know what was wrong and i didnt know what to tell her and im so fucking..idk i feel pathetic.
long convo with mom..she thinks hes gay. gay gay gay gay likes men gay. i think she has a point.
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what's better than 2 hot boys? two hot boys with their lips all over each other. tehe.
I want beach! *Pines*
