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Do you have Narcolepsy?

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 19:43:24 GMT

Please feel free to share! I feel so blessed not to have Caterplexy. I'd love to hear your experience with Narcolepsy- how long you've dealt with it and how you've dealt with it best.

Narcowhat!?

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 19:41:15 GMT

What do you know about Narcolepsy?

Ever seen those comedies where the person is always falling a sleep in there food- yeah, that's what I associated with Narcolepsy too. Just some silly Hollywood joke right?

A couple of weeks ago, I was diagnosed with Narcolepsy and I'm sad to report, it's not a joke. It's nice to make sense of all the things now, but I've had to deal with it for 8 years of my life, untreated and with out understanding of what's been going on. Let me give you a small scope of what's it's really like:

When I was 16 I came home from school and took an immediate nap (because I was a normal teenager, I was exhausted, and I took gifted classes and generally stayed up all night because I was supposed to have insomnia) Half way through my nap I woke up and half of my dream was in my room. It shocked me- so I tried to sit up but found I couldn't move- I was completely paralyzed. I tried to call out "Help"but my throat and neck felt like it was charlie hoarsed. My whole body was in horrible pain. When I finally got out of this state (called Sleep Paralysis) my whole body was sore, scared and very shaken up. My grandmother was convinced I was doing drugs or some one had drugged my coffee mug at school. I was tested for epilepsy and told by people from my church it was attacks by Satan. Since then I've had tons of these attacks- and they don't ever get any less scary. When your hallucination touches you- your mind thinks it's really bing touched and it feels really painful. There are 2 types of sleep paralysis (With and with out Hallucinations) with History dating far back in all cultures (and recorded in famous literature). Take some time to do a little internet research on it. You might find out some interesting things and won't be thinking I'm a nut right now.

Imagine sleeping, yet never feeling rested- always feeling exhausted. People with Narcolepsy don't get level 4 sleep- the sleep level required for your body to heal and restore itself at night. Not getting the required sleep can cause depression, weight gain, diabetes, stress, higher blood pressure and an overall shorter life span. Sometimes I feel so exhausted, I wouldn't care if I died, as long as I got some rest afterwards.

I don't consider myself a lazy person- I love to work, to get things done, but as I'm getting older I'm finding it harder. A constant struggle to push myself past exhaustion to get normal things done. If you know me- than you know I'm accident prone-a bit of a klutz. My mind and body go into something called "Micro sleep" (a.k.a a type of sleep walking) where part of the brain shuts down like it's sleeping. It's feels alot like being drunk. Being so tired you feel delirious, hence always bumping into things and hurting yourself. So tired you don't remember things you needed to do, and the things people tell you during this period are often a blur or forgotten the next day. A couple of weeks ago I was in a meeting with my boss and my eyes and head kept nodding off uncontrollably. This was before I was diagnosed- and let me tell you, it was so embarrassing.

I have my first intake for treatment on Oct 10th. The only cure they have right now is a life time of medication and regulation of sleep. But the questions and fears that are running through my mind are:

Am I going to miss half my life sleeping or feeling so exhausted?
Will I be nodding off like a 90 yr old when I'm 40?
How will I ever have enough energy to have children!?
Will my children get Narcolepsy also?

I have no reason to be embarrassed that I have a Neurological brain Disease.

It's just so frustrating. There are more than 50 symptoms and I've only mentioned a few here. Leg twitching is another one I never even realized until I was asked if it was a symptom of mine. Have you ever jumped out of a deep sleep? They say that your body wakes it's self up to regulate it's breathing. I get woken up 5 times a night by my legs jumping like an electric shock.

Narcolepsy is underdiagnosed and often missed diagnosed. Maybe you should look up the symptoms and see if you recognize any. If you search "Narcolepsy" on you tube- you'll find the true disorder and the average stereotypical Hollywood joke-which if you take a second look, you'll find isn't so funny. Here is a decent video I found that I think is true to the life debilitating subject. Watch and learn kids:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OuEDV1hBYw

On my last day of being 22

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 21:46:22 GMT

Today, is the last day that I'll be 22 yrs old.

22 long years that have flown by like mere days on a summer's breeze and all I have to show for it are quite a few grey hairs, some skin spots and wrinkles. Yes, that's right. I'm 22 and I have wrinkles.

So, on my last day of being 22 I think I'd like to make a record of a few things that have been on my mind lately. Perhaps I'll look back on this very blog 20 years from now in wonder of how much I've grown, perhaps not. And perhaps I won't live another 20 years, so here it goes:

Ever since I can remember as a child, I held all the world with such wonder in my eyes. I was so confident that I was bound for greatness of the best kind. The kind, of helping others and making a noticable difference. I rambled on and on to who ever would listen about the adventures I'd go on. When I was 4 I was bound for Egypt, and South Africa. The Great ruins of Greece and the people of China were beckoning my name. I lived to read 1974 copies of National Geographic dreaming that one day I would get the chance to see the things they got to see.

The other thing I've thought about constantly for as long as I can remember is Death. I remember being awake at night when I 5 years old holding a knife fantasizing about stabbing myself in the stomach to make them all sorry. As I got older I had many misconceptions about death as if it were a made up TV/Movie special effect. By the time I was 13 I had made up my mind that I'd be willing to sacrifice my life inorder to save others, even if they never knew it. By the time I was 16, the world felt like just to much and I wanted nothing more than to die. It all seemed so pointless and life just felt so numb. When i was 18 it was the least of my worries as I was convinced that when I died, I'd be going to a way better place- so it wasn't on my mind as much. Then a couple of years ago, my friend Louis wrote a blog about how one day, we're all going to die. Well that's a duh kind of statement, but then it hit me. I will cease to exist any longer. Suddenly, every breath I breathed just didn't seem to have enough air. There weren't as many hours in a day, and every single night I lay awake thinking of the day it will happen. I am plagued with paralyzing thoughts, inescapable as I try to rest my mind on my pillow.

Wondering what my last thought will be when I die.

Will I be ready to die? Will I ever be ready- is anyone really?

"This is your life, are you who you want to be?"
A great song by Switchfoot, it still holds true to me today but with different meaning. To me, it means this is your only life- the only chance you get. Are you happy with yourself? Will you be remembered as you'd like when you're gone?

I used to be Christian. I say "used to" because there are no churches in Amsterdam I can attend. There is no fellowship for me here. Many would claim there is no God here. I would never claim that. But I don't read my Bible as much anymore. The words fall empty and hollow- the morals are basic and true. I question if God is a person, is He of substance or of ecsence? Is he a life force, basic carbon, or our imagination?

I read the series other wise known as " the Golden Compass". As wish Harry Potter Radical Christians had a hay day with the series so I decided to read it for myself. I understand what many of them were upset about. The series claimed God was a fake- just the first piece of consciousness to realize itself and so he lied to the other beings of consciousness that he was their creator. I hated the obvious discrimination to Christian beliefs and the fact that they wanted to " kill God". It won the Nobel award for " young minds" which I thought was dreadful, because young minds are so easily cultivated. While the end result of the book was that when you die, you simply dissolve into dust, rejoining the rest of the Universe, it can be so damaging to young minds to have nothing to look forward to in the end.

It's my biggest Fear in Life.

To go into the darkness, the unknown to find that there is nothing there. It all goes black. I cease to think, to exist, to just be. I'm scarred to death of dying- but what choice do any of us have?

I am even more scarred of not getting the chance to live the life I always dreamed. To have adventures and a family of my own. To leave behind a legacy and to make the world just a little brighter of a place than when I first came into it.

Tomorrow, I will have lived 23 years.

I have no career, no car, no plans. I haven't gotten the chance to go to school-and if I still lived in the US it's guaranteed I'd be something screwed on health insurance. At the Average Life span of an American- I'm already 1/4 though my life span.

I hope to get married to the man I love the most, have a few children, be close to the people I care most about and perhaps some day realize what on earth I'm here for. Guess I can join the ranks of the other 7 billion people on this earth trying to figure out the same thing. I am so blessed. I can only imagine what it must be like to be an orphan, a victim of war or of a disaster. I can only imagine the questions they must ask and the fears they must face. My hope is to inspire hope in those. To do what I can for those people- so perhaps they too, will get the chance to try and figure out what they're here for and what they're meant to do with the precious time they get.

New Realizations

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 20:52:56 GMT

I was supposed to try and talk to a stranger today. I had 3 opportunities where it seemed I connected with someone by catching their eye for a minute or bumping in to-but I just couldn't work up the nerve. Just the thought of that agitates me to my soul-Can you believe it! Me, uncongenial and no nerves? But other than that- I had yet another relatively GOOD day.

On the tram ride home I started to toy with an idea in my head- an inspiration you might say. It's been quite awhile since I've been inspired to do something. I'm an artist (or used to be) but every time I get inspired lately, something is always standing in the way (finances, time, supplies, space) of me creating my ideas...and that's what I feel I did best in Life. I felt inspired to make some t-shirts with sayings all my own on them. Every where I've gone in the world, I've taken the country by storm, had a blast and loved it there. The "real" Melody I know is impulsive- so I think it's time I just be that again. I just hope my shirts can send a message about me (since according to my last post every one knows I'm American anyways". Here are a few of my ideas:

A t-shirt that says,
"When will you stop looking at my skin color, weight, and culture and start seeing me for me."

"Kiss me I'm a crazy Southern belle"

"I <3(heart) N.O.L.A" on the front and a picture of a fleur de lis on the back with "New Orleans" above it and "Cajun Girl Fo' Life" or Fo' sho....beneath it. I'm not quite sure what I like best- but I gotta represent!

And then there is my favorite:
(on a white shirt with type writer like letters)
"Now accepting new Friend applications"
"See me for more info"
And on the back an Ad:
"Requirements: Must be nonjudgmental, fun, adventurous, congenial, not self centered, silly, and flexible with your time. Living in Amsterdam, creativity, and a sense of humor a major plus!"

You may be thinking that one is a little out there. A desperate Melody does not take Desperate measures but a crazy Melody does take crazy measures...and that's what I'm shooting for. My boy friend pointed out that I was getting older and couldn't be immature(crazy) any more (that people change when they get older)- but I'm 22! I really feel that I need to enjoy this time while I can and stop acting like I'm 40 already! I just want to feel good about being myself. Nothing wrong with that right?

On a closing note: I don't really believe in horoscopes- I've always thought they were quite ridiculous, but I accidentally opened "My Yahoo" instead of my mail a few minutes ago and was surprised at what I found. It really hit the spot with everything I've been feeling and thinking lately.

"You should follow the trail to frivolity today. Find an idea that is totally 'out there' and see where it leads you. There's no need to stick to your normal routine right now -- you can put things on auto-pilot, and they will go well. Wake up your sense of adventure. Let it be your rudder today, instead of your calendar. It will steer you toward unusual people who have unusual ideas that speak to some piece of your soul. This could be the awakening of a whole new side of yourself."

A Chance meeting with a Stranger and meeting more Strangers for a Chance

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 17:53:30 GMT

I was making the nice commute home from work today across Amsterdam Central Station while talking on the phone. I stood on the median to wait for my tram and noticed a guy who seemed to be trying to get my attention. "ugh- he probably wants to ask Directions" I thought, but I was still talking to my boyfriend so I ignored him and walked a little farther down thinking he'd get the picture and ask someone else. Normally I'm very out going and don't mind giving directions- but sometimes wonder if I have an invisible tattoo on my head that only tourists can read saying "Ask me for Directions!"

Well, 2 seconds off the phone and he's standing beside me. He tells me "hi" and says "you are from the States right". When you live in Europe- it's never generally anything special to be from the US (they sometimes even detest you for it) and I was thinking "duh" but answered "yeah?" making eyebrows that said "crazy guy".

Well, he noticed those right off the bat, because it seems he came over to talk about me and my body language. Yeah- kinda strange I guess. He said he could spot that I was American from 40 feet off. That he wasn't hitting on me and that he just loved Americans in general. He said it was the way I dressed, how my hair was and the way I carried myself with such "confidence" ("dang it!" I thought- I honestly even tried to dress "Dutch/european" today). I thought this was all kind of funny because living in Europe- I don't feel very confident and more so out of my element than ever. I actually got refused from my last job interview because I was "over confident". I was told several times in my life that my confidence was "intimidating" by friends and teachers- and all the while, I'm trying to figure out what the hell is I am so confident about, and why don't I see it in myself.

The guy was very nice, but I'm not quite sure what his whole point of the conversation was. I could tell he was an outgoing person and not hitting on me. He kind of rambled on things about humanity and cameras and Big brother- and he possibly was building up to the point of why he came over to talk... but then my tram came.

All I do know is that he was a Turkish guy living in Australia who deals in oriental rugs visiting a friend in Amsterdam.

I have his business card- but I'm not sure why. I'm tempted to email him to see what the whole point was, but I don't think thats very appropriate and my boyfriend might find it strange.

I'm quite sad though because there is a certain stigmata here against Turkish and Moroccan people (I guess the same way against "Hinndi's" and "Paki's" in the UK). They act like they are the Ca-ca roaches of the country and look down upon them. Being me and "Miss International Let's save the World" I really hate this stereo typing. I have to hit my Dutch boyfriend when he says things about it. Most of my friends here are International but not Dutch, Moroccan or Turkish because they are such closed cultures- plus the obvious language barriers.

I used to be such an out going girl- my friends and family can attest. When I was 4yrs. old I'd make 10 friends at the supermarket, and would go up to just about anyone and start chattering away. My family were very concerned that I was going to get kidnapped this way. And as I got older it just stuck- it made me a good judge of Character and believe that there is some good in everyone and that most people don't mind an extra friend or some one who will listen and chat. My family didn't think so (they believed I trusted everyone I met) and thought I'd get hurt. I realize that I generally categorize everyone I meet into two categories: "a safe person" and an "unsafe". Just because you are unsafe doesn't mean I don't like you- I honestly just don't trust you. One of my best friends in the US is marked as an "unsafe"- she's screwed me over quite a few times but I was aware of her nature and still loved her none the less, because that's just who she is- and despite the fact, she is a good person. I've done a bit of traveling around the world and have always made oodles of friends. Real "Friends" not "acquaintances"- people you just seem to easily connect with and have fun around. People who you feel you can act your self and not get judged or looked at strange.

Until now.

I moved to Amsterdam the Netherlands. I knew something was wrong the second week I was here and saw that it was practically impossible to find here what I've found every where else. It's the main reason I feel I just don't belong and probably never will. There is just something about the Dutch culture- and mind you there are some cool people, but scarce to find and are scarce for good ole' crazy fun.

But this chance meeting with a stranger reminded me of what I used to do, how I used to be. Perhaps not all is hopeless on this friend forsaken European continent. Generally when you try and meet new people who are Dutch you get a strange look and a slap like attitude in your face- which is why I quite trying. But I think it's time that I try and be "me" again. I'm tired of this old hag I've accustomed myself into acting like. I'm tired of not having any real friends. Perhaps they just don't exist here- but I think I really need to try my best and search it out fully before I just quit and settle for less than best- or nothing at all.

I've been here 2 years now and only have made 4 friends.
Silvia
Andrew
Ricky
Roary
Only 2 of them are "real friends".

On the way home I knocked on a strangers door. It was a young couple from the UK that I had briefly met once before when I was trying to relocate and save my cat who had climbed a 4 story tree and had gotten stuck. I then did what I (used to) do best. I just reminded them of who I was and stated that I was sorry to be a bother, but that I was always looking to meet new people and make friends - that I wanted to thank them for helping save my cat and said maybe we could grab a drink some time. We all shared our names and jobs that we were here for and exchanged info. They seemed pretty cool and down to earth. So it's nothing official yet, but it's an opportunity. I just need to keep up at it and I'll update my "friends list" again in another month to see what I can muddle up.

Wish me luck, and if you have any cool friends in Amsterdam- hook me up!

**DARE: A dare for you. I dare you to go and talk to a complete stranger. You might learn something interesting you might make a good friend- you could even save a life. You never know until you try.

How do you resolve disputes with your significant other?

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 11:53:15 GMT

I just watched P.S. I love you last night with my sweety(P.S. I bawled my eyes out- you can't possibly find a more chick flick than this). We had to laugh how much the couple fighting in the beginning remarkable resembled us. He's the loud tempered type and I'm the Ms. logical talks way to fast and out of everything she possibly can type. But we're crazy about each other- and making up for fights is so fun that I think we instigate disputes just for fun. Having disputes and disagreements about things is normal and healthy in a relationship. You just have to find a good middle ground.

But when things do get rough calmy talking while leaving your emotions on the back door step helps. And if that's not possible- I like to stick things in a letter so that I won't be interrupted and I think I'd be a little confused if my boyfriend started arguing with a piece of paper.

I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!

What's the best '80s band of all time - or, at least, of that decade?

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 11:47:56 GMT

"Babies of the 80's" -Something Corporate

I'm such an 80's girl. The ever growing 80's DVD collection should be a dead give away. But I have to say the best 80's band would have to be a pull tie between the Cure and Tears for Fears. They are still both in my top favorite bands.

I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!

The not so average Freudian Dream

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 11:37:34 GMT

Last night I dreamt the world was a grain of salt and God was about to accidentally eat us on his Tuna fish Sandwich.

I have lots of freudian dreams that generally coming out meaning something. This one wasn't one of those. It was just plain weird. I dream just about every night- and I generally remember my dreams when I wake up. I have different types of dream (difference as in the way the feel or their tone) and that's generally a give away if it's an important pay attention dream or one of those "let's just play around in here to see what happens like my brain is a PS3" kind of dreams.

Some people don't believe dreams are important- I believe they're a view into the inner psyche. I have to believe that because I've had too many dreams that meant something important and had loads of symbolism in them (no wonder why I love F. Scotts Fitsgerald books). I'm one of those weird people that has dreams about other people and then tell them and they go "whoa" because it's totally relevant to something they're going through with at the time. I also suffer from Deja vu- where I dream of a place and then a month, a week, or a year later I see the place or person I saw. I quite enjoy that Deja vu because it gives me a sense that I am where I am supposed to be at that moment.

Any one else in the same boat?

The Shallow Hal Syndrome

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 13:04:41 GMT

When ever I'm getting dressed I (as most people do) take a quick glance in the mirror. I do a sideways and back check to make sure everything is ok and I don't have my underwear pulled over my shoulders or any clothes tag still attached. I generally think I look...ok. Well, then again I'm not nearly as skinny and healthy as I used to be but "I'm 22, I'm getting older, what more should I expect" is what I generally tell myself. I guess I worry more about my style than I do my weight.

So maybe I started stress eating a little after Hurricane Katrina-ok perhaps alot. And maybe this move to Amsterdam has caused a bit of emotional eating from time to time. They don't have diet/low fat foods often here in Europe. You generally get the real deal cheese, bread, parmaham, creme fraiche stuff. I know I've gained a few pounds, I had to buy bigger pants and take my grandmothers magazine reading advice that you look better in clothes that fit you when you gain weight. And so I thought to myself "It's not that bad, I'm still me".

And then the camera rolls out. (Cue music: "Dun Dun dun dunnn") You guys may not know this, but I love being the person behind the camera. Although I seriously need to update it, you can check out my hobby photography page to prove it (Meant2BePhotography). So, I'm in a few photos with my boyfriend, with friends at a party- what ever. And when I see them I horrified and utterly panic stricken. I know the truth about cameras and their capabilities. I know they're supposed to add 10 pounds on- but from where I'm standing that's more like 40!

Low and behold, it's my Shallow Hal syndrome, which I'm sure if you've seen the movie you would know it's well named. I'm not being hard on myself- I know that I'm...fat. I know that I'm overweight. I just honestly can't see it in the mirror. And my friends here are just like "nah, you look ok- that's you, that's what you look like". And that's the truth. That's how they visually see me and they don't think anything of it because they didn't know me when I was healthy.

So after my BIG(or should I say chubby?) epiphany, I begin to wonder what I should do about it. What are the steps to begin taking to get myself out of this massive rut? My friends and family noticed how big I had gotten when I visited the states for Thanksgiving- I was completely embarrassed. I began to feel so hopeless. I don't have the time or money to go to the Gym or buy Weight Watcher programs, and pills. I became a vegetarian for 6 months and dragged my poor boyfriend along with me to see if that would help, but absolutely nothing changed. If anything, I actually gained weight!

So the boyfriend and I got to talking and we both agreed, this has gone far enough, and it's past time to start to do something about it. Once again I turned to the power of the internet to do diet research for the 5th time in a year. There are just so many sites that claim the other site is wrong and there's is better and blah blah blah. It's a bit confusing to say the least utterly frustrating. But the one thing I kept finding over and over again, were about Calorie, sugar and Carbohydrate intake. Here are a few things I've concluded:

I am a sugar addict (feel free to meet me at the next SAA meeting), chocolate, candy, cakes you name it, I love it. I take tea and coffee with atleast 6 scoops of sugar. In highschool when I stopped drinking my scheduled one diet coke in the morning followed by one starbucks in the afternoon and my candy hot tamales I suffered from caffeine sugar withdraw and that's no joke. I got head aches and became super grouchy. It was actually one of my teachers that pulled me out of the class to say she recognized that I had an addiction problem that she recognized from her daughter's same problem. At first I was like "I don't do drugs Mrs. VanZandt" and she laughed and told me she noticed I wasn't carrying a diet coke into her class anymore.
So I know how hard it is to cut the sugar, really I do- but I'm doing it now. I'm eating apples, bananas, and grapes. I still have to remind myself not to drool at the cake and cookie isle at the grocery store. I stay as far away as possible. The truth is, Americans eat more sugar in a year than the world combined! Next time you're about to bite into that almond joy or that big Hershy's smell the chocolate bar. Take a deep whiff. That sugary smell you're smelling is detected by your brain. Apparently we still have the same mechanisms and survival modes as our ancient ancestors had during ice ages and gathering times. A food that smells high in sugar relates to fat and our brains naturally want us to crave that because we used to need all we can get, but in today's society food is so prevalent. The more natural sugars we intake, the less simple ones we'll crave- so that means fruits instead of Ben and Jerry's.

Followed by sugars I love vegetables honestly- but vegetables piled high on pasta and rice with some Garlic bread on the side! Carbs aren't necessarily bad for us, especially if you do sports or long hours of physical work- but I'm generally stuck at a desk all day, and I don't consider walking down a flight of stairs an olympic feat. So if you're not being procassed in the NFL, it's ok to have some carbs, but with portion control. And that is what counting calories is really about. Just because you have to keep your diet restricted to a certain amount of calories everyday doesn't mean you have to starve, you just have to be careful in what foods you eat and get the most out of them. Your dinner should consist of mostly vegetables followed by some protein and maybe some carbs if any, and should be the smallest meal of the day. And instead of 3 meals, you should have 6 (I consider them pick me up snacks in between) and I know this is true now that I've been following this diet for a week now. I'm already feeling the burn!

If you're interested, check out this Ideal Weight Body Calculator. It's not perfect and you should be the judge but it was right on with what my doctor told me. It even tells you if you need to gain a few pounds! If you are interested in trying to loose some weight it is recommended to do it over an extensive period with exercise combined. That's the honest healthy way to do it, and can even help prolong your life, bring down your chances of getting sugar diabetes and heart problems! You might have to do some online conversions, but you can use the information you get from the Ideal weight calculator and enter it into this nifty Calorie Calculator and it sets out how many calories you should be eating daily to reach your goal. My boyfriend was marked "obese" by the Weight Calculator and has to use 10 kilos to be in a healthy range again, so he's doing a program over 5 months. I have to loose 15 Kilos (about 27 pounds) so naturally, my weekly schedule is a bit longer than his.

You can check out the Healthy Weight Forum for more tips as well as search for low calorie food and recipe ideas. A few simple small rules I've fit into my life style are:

Eat until you're 2/3rds full and then wait. It's a Japanese rule to help your digestion to catch up to your eating so you don't over eat. But now that I'm using portion control, I am perfectly content/full once I'm finished with my meal. I don't feel hungry or full. However, I have to fight the urge to not start snacking while watching tv.
When eating out, always leave some food left over on your plate. Seriously people- especially if you're American. You know how big the portions are, OutBack has enough calories in there fries to feed a whole Ethiopian family for a week! One McDonalds meal is enough calories to last a whole day! Eat half and get a to go box so you can have it for dinner or lunch the next day. And order water instead of coke. If you eat out alot, it saves a ton and is way more healthy for you!
Take a walk around the block or neighborhood after dinner. This is my best piece of advice. Everyday after dinner, grab your i-pod and just take a nice relaxing walk around the neighborhood.
Choose the best diet for you and have a healthy diet partner to keep tabs with. I'm using my boyfriend, and I believe having a real person to keep accountable with is best, but if you need more support and advice you can join my new blog ring where we can keep each other updated!
Don't attempt stupid feats like this:

True Wisdom, Xanga, and Murphey's Law

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 15:27:53 GMT

I love how I wrote the title and now I'm going to write about all of those backwards in order from which they were listed.

Murphey's Law
Today I realized that I am not affected my Murphey's Law- I am Murphey's Law! My middle name should be disaster-seriously. And the fact that I just wrote my whole post to have it erase by my cat walking on my key board only confirms it further more. So I am very sorry to myself if this post isn't as ok as it was the first time. sigh

Today I woke up at 6:50am. (This gets better honest!)

I fed 4 cats, a dog, a bunny and 2 children before I had to race home to get ready for my interview at 11am. I bought a tram pass and then had to go to my friend's house to meet a repair man to fix their heater. From there I went to my interview, trekked all over the Jordan (old school Amsterdam- nothing but cobble stoned streets) met a friend/ex-colleague for lunch and then raced home on my bike nearly killing myself, 2 other bike riders and a pedestrian and then did some much need grocery shopping to top everything off.

Now imagine doing all that in style...and heels.

They were more like the heels of hell and I would never recommend any one to try that in Amsterdam at their own risk of a possible broken ankle, a slip of the bike pedal and a serious "bike has an unwanted meeting with a moving car" wreck, or just a whole lot of foot pain if they managed to survive it.

Wisdom
So on the way home saw this cute old, old couple. Seeing people of that age is quite normal here as the Netherlands can now boast the tallest population of people in the world as well as the longest life span.

"Wisdom" was the word that came to my mind when I saw their faces. And then I remebered that phrase "wisdom coming with age" and wondering if it was neccesarily true. I know a man who- it seemed the older he got the more immature, irresponsible and unintelligent he got (I'm sure we all know somebody like that). I can't even scratch the surface of wisdom in the man. But then I wonder if really gaining wisdom for a person like that is gong to come later on in life when he realizes he wasted so much time and attention on things that really didn't matter and all the things that did, had passed him by.

Aristotle defines wisdom as knowledge of causes: why things exist in a particular fashion. I think perhaps that particular man will one day gain understanding in his follies and become one of those old grandpas always telling young people to not make the same mistakes as he did and how youth is wasted on the young.

It's so funny how I know we've all heard not to make the same mistakes as so and so and from their own personal experience bladi blah, but I think that personal experience is the best way to learn from situations and life. Sometimes you have to try things out on your own to see if the same circumstance applies to you as well. Wiki describes Wisdom as: having gained knowledge, experience, and intuitive understanding, along with a capacity to apply these well.

I can cope with that.

Xanga
Now, if I take my own knowledge, experience and intuitive understanding of xanga then I'm pretty sure I am way way out of the loop with xanga.

I'm not some perfect, creative, clever writer who has or wants readers and fans. Living in Amsterdam has made me feel like I've fallen off the edge of the map. I am so far away from my friends, from the fun- from those sarcastic familiar tones and sayings and thoughts that made me laugh more in a day then I had in my entire childhood. I'm not conceded, and I'm not posting just to post with nothing to say-I'm doing this for me. And while Disaster might be my middle name- "random" is often my last so I wouldn't know what to expect to come from my posts.

But none the less, I can't help feeling like I'm trying to make friends or xanga buddies with people I don't even know. It's like wedging yourself into a group conversation with out knowing if youré wanted there. I like the posts I've been reading from them-they make me smile and I really appreciate the comments back too.

Amuse me.