--So i read an away message of this a few mintues ago and it kinda sent me into a little tangent.... but its ok becasue i havent gone off in one like this in a while... and so... yeah...

*You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone. You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day. One day it's just gone and you can never get it back.  It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this right of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it.  Maybe that's all a family really is..a group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

**...just thought i'd throw out there to you that that feeling hits when your dad sells the place you call home. the place you've spent the last 17 years of your lifeknowing as your 'home' is no longer even part of your family's estate. its gone, someone else is about to take over and make it into their home...you'll never have the place that keeps you safe, or the same walls that have helped you though some of the toughest times threw tears, cheers, new beginnings, bitter endings.. they were there though it all and now their gone, there someone elses now.... believe me, this feeling is worse then moving out of your parents roof.....and add onto that not being welcome in the house your 9 year old sister lives in, not being able to see her becuase you cant stand your mother...not being accepted by your mother enough to be let into her home anymore. have your mother make plans for a baby shower for your older sister who is pregnant with your triplet nephews and not being able to have it because she plans it for a weekend she knows you wont be able to get there... have your mother hate you enough to tell your father that your his daughter, not one bit hers. have your mother blame you for all her shit inthe past and not want even attempt to accept you for who you are or where you have come in the past few years of your life...This is the challenges of life, these are the obsticales that life throws at you.... you learn to make the best of it, you hide the bitterness and take on the next day.. knowing that you are the 'outcast' of your family... but this is when you wake up and realize... YOU LIKE BEING AN OUTCAST.. it makes you who you are... and if your happy that way, so be it.....THIS is what makes us stronger in life, this is the way we get by... who knows maybe someday things will be different.. if its not inmy lifetime, maybe it will be for my future children, and if not my ch ildren... at least someones children that i know, or that i care about....

-Alright, so i feel better...my tangent is complete.. have a good night...thanks for reading!

Currently Listening Three Days Grace By Three Days Grace Just Like You see related

So in the past few days theres been a lot going on, i guess you could say. So, sit back and enjoy a long ride.. this might take a little while....

A) Central Penn life - eh, classes are alright. i only have one a day, so its not like they kick my ass hardcore or anything. its pretty laid back i guess you could say. I love my friends here more than anything, they are my second family.. ok, more like My family and so i wouldnt trade them for the world. its hard however, to make ends meet. Im running around trying to find the last $225 for my tuition for friday...so its kinda challenging in that regard... but somehow, someway, i hope to find it and keep my ass in school....i'm not working enough hours, which sucks major.. but, i know my hours will pick up after thanksgiving. i mean, hell, black friday i should have a shit ton of hours in....i'm hoping for a 18 hour shift!

B) Home is no longer home - Dad sold our house...and i took my trip home this weekend to go though my shit.  i made an entire bedroom full of shit break down into about 5 milk crates.  I spent my last night in my home of 18 years, on a couch in the addition.  its hard walking away from the fact that the walls of the house have seen, heard and helped me though more than anything else in the world ever will. The walls of my bedroom have seen more tears, blood, sweat, hatred, love, heartbreak....and everyother aspect of the life i live.  i cant believe its not mine anymore.. but at the same point, i'm ready to start a new chapter of my life.  ...its like im walking away from my bestfriend.... I've also decided that i hate my mother more than anything in the world....i dispise the woman and at some points i wish she wouldtn be here...the end, im not getting into fucking details... I HATE YOU...because, im not your daughter, you've disowned me since the day i told you i was a lesbian....and i'm better off as a person without you in my life...

C) Nephew News - I now know what they are going to be named ... Hayden Michael, Mason Andrew and Brody ?....i told april she shouldnt give Brody a middle name so he can be super cool like his Aunt! ... I'm also probably going to spend Christmas with April... well, if i can find a way up there im going to spend Christmas with her. She called me the other day and asked if I would help her cook dinner at her place because Jason wants to go down to his parents for the holidays.... so... yeah. i'm going to see what i can do...

D) Father of Mine... - Well, because i am HIS daughter and NOT my mothers... he's looking to live down here. He might have a job in Hershey... which is pretty exciting because its at a retirement center which is actually a really good place n stuff....he might be living with his parents for a little while, but then hes going to look for an apartment so he can have his own place. Which will be nice for the simple fact that i'll have a place to escape to and ill see my dad more then once every 3 months...I've learned one thing in the past few months of my life... My relationship/friendship with my father is more special to me than anything i could have imagined to ever have with anyone. He is the only one that i can confide anything in... i can remember the very first time i ever saw him tear up...and i remember the way i started to tear up the day he asked me if i listened to the words to John Mayer's song Daughters....and then on Friday night, i was at home...and we were listening to music while we were drinkin n stuff... and i broke down when it came on. ...he told me he would never again compare me to my  mother... because i sware to god, i never want to be like that woman... she frustrates me to no end... i cannot even start, nor do i want to really.. But....he told me today as i got in the car to come back to school, that its time for a new beginning... and i agree, and i intend to make this beginning a good one, i'm tired of not being good enough for people... i'm tired of being the one in the dust and never going to amount to what 'april is'....fuck it, i'm me... and I THANK GOD, THAT MY FATHER SEES THAT AND LOVES ME AS HIS DAUGHTER...

....one last thing... I FUCKING HATE YOU....thanks, you know who you are.... Bitch!

Currently Listening Dirty Little Secret By All American Rejects see related

Welcome to Fall Term 2005....I've got semi-easy classes i guess. But i think i'm honestly going to be putting a lot of time into this term. I'm kinda looking forward to it to some extent i guess. But yeah.... Term is going well, Week 1 is down as of tomorrow...

This are a little awkward though I guess. Maybe its just the fact that we're growing up or we're growing on eachother or something, I'm not real sure honestly. I dont know, its just like.. I get the feeling that I'm not good enough for Steve sometimes anymore. I feel like I've lost my bestfriend.... and it sucks. I dont feel like i can talk to him like i used to. But hey, its life i guess. I feel as though, he might feel that i'm just using him nowdays...but thats not the case at all. I dont want to have to ask him for money at all...I hate the fact that I cant pay for my tuition myself. I hate the fact that i have NO money to myself for anything....But yeah, its like hes never here to just chill n hang out with all of us.. its like, theres no 'oh, lets pop in a movie and all chillin the living room n watch it' its all about 'laying in the bedroom all over jessie'... i mean, dont get me wrong.. i'm happy as hell for them both being happy... But i hate not having my friendship, and that comfort zone to just escape to sometimes...

I miss my girlfriend like crazy.... I dont know why i originally was about getting into the long distance relationship again... But theres something about Kimberly that makes me want to be with her. And so therefore, i'm going to make this one work.. or at least try my hardest to keep it working.. i'm tired of running away from the good things that come along in my life and settling for the worthless. So, this is my duty of saying around for her... Shes an amazing girl and I truely feel more for her then i have felt in a very long time for anyone. It's a complete feeling.... and im really enjoying the way she makes me feel....

I hate this time of the year, i realize that i'm falling back into my downward spirals again... I want to just start taking my pills again, just so i can stablize myself for a few months, but at the same time i'm scared that i'm going to become dependent on them again. and i refuse to take medication for the rest of my life for this damn disorder than i got from my flippin Mother. This is one thing i will overcome a smarter way than that woman ever would have the courage to do, let alone attempt at the least.

Staying on the subject of my Mother.... I think its pretty shitty that she refuses to help me pay my college tuition. I simply asked her to help me with this months $300 payment because i knew i wasnt going to have it... so i thought maybe, she would be nice if i offered to send my checks home right when i got them.. yah, thats not good enough. She had the balls to tell me 'she doenst make enough money to help me'... Whatever, i dont need my mother in my life.. I really could care less anymore if i see her... I have decided that next time i go home, i'm going to tell her i dont want anything to do with her anymore because shes done nothing for me. She disowns me more then she would ever claim me... and its all because im not a cookie cutter daughter. Fuck it. I have always been myself and shes just too damn shallow to realize that maybe its what she never did, and shes scared becasue she knows i am so much like her, but i'm making smarter c hoices in my life then she ever could have....

Dad sold the trailer last week... Its kinda a little shitty because i mean thats my home... That was the house i grew up in and now its no longer mine. I have so many memories in that house, the yard, the area....As much as i'm happy that he sold it, i'm still kinda depressed that i'm losing my house. I dont know where he's going for now, nor does he. He's got to have everything out by the 15th of next month... where he's going with everything is beyond me... Mom's going to end up making more money off the house then Dad does. Which is shitty because I wont see any help with tuition still... and its going to send me back even more.. before its all said and done, i'll be dropping out of school because i cant pay for it.... which really sucks, because Its all playing out that i truely am the failure that everyone always told me that i was......I hate the feeling, but maybe its the truth..

... Its 5am and I suppose I should head to bed... I have class at 2:30 tomorrow afternoon.. as well as work at 5 and then i'm going out after work for the night with Leah...

Currently Listening Little Plastic Castle By Ani Difranco Fuel see related