Welcome to Fall Term 2005....I've got semi-easy classes i guess. But i think i'm honestly going to be putting a lot of time into this term. I'm kinda looking forward to it to some extent i guess. But yeah.... Term is going well, Week 1 is down as of tomorrow...
This are a little awkward though I guess. Maybe its just the fact that we're growing up or we're growing on eachother or something, I'm not real sure honestly. I dont know, its just like.. I get the feeling that I'm not good enough for Steve sometimes anymore. I feel like I've lost my bestfriend.... and it sucks. I dont feel like i can talk to him like i used to. But hey, its life i guess. I feel as though, he might feel that i'm just using him nowdays...but thats not the case at all. I dont want to have to ask him for money at all...I hate the fact that I cant pay for my tuition myself. I hate the fact that i have NO money to myself for anything....But yeah, its like hes never here to just chill n hang out with all of us.. its like, theres no 'oh, lets pop in a movie and all chillin the living room n watch it' its all about 'laying in the bedroom all over jessie'... i mean, dont get me wrong.. i'm happy as hell for them both being happy... But i hate not having my friendship, and that comfort zone to just escape to sometimes...
I miss my girlfriend like crazy.... I dont know why i originally was about getting into the long distance relationship again... But theres something about Kimberly that makes me want to be with her. And so therefore, i'm going to make this one work.. or at least try my hardest to keep it working.. i'm tired of running away from the good things that come along in my life and settling for the worthless. So, this is my duty of saying around for her... Shes an amazing girl and I truely feel more for her then i have felt in a very long time for anyone. It's a complete feeling.... and im really enjoying the way she makes me feel....
I hate this time of the year, i realize that i'm falling back into my downward spirals again... I want to just start taking my pills again, just so i can stablize myself for a few months, but at the same time i'm scared that i'm going to become dependent on them again. and i refuse to take medication for the rest of my life for this damn disorder than i got from my flippin Mother. This is one thing i will overcome a smarter way than that woman ever would have the courage to do, let alone attempt at the least.
Staying on the subject of my Mother.... I think its pretty shitty that she refuses to help me pay my college tuition. I simply asked her to help me with this months $300 payment because i knew i wasnt going to have it... so i thought maybe, she would be nice if i offered to send my checks home right when i got them.. yah, thats not good enough. She had the balls to tell me 'she doenst make enough money to help me'... Whatever, i dont need my mother in my life.. I really could care less anymore if i see her... I have decided that next time i go home, i'm going to tell her i dont want anything to do with her anymore because shes done nothing for me. She disowns me more then she would ever claim me... and its all because im not a cookie cutter daughter. Fuck it. I have always been myself and shes just too damn shallow to realize that maybe its what she never did, and shes scared becasue she knows i am so much like her, but i'm making smarter c hoices in my life then she ever could have....
Dad sold the trailer last week... Its kinda a little shitty because i mean thats my home... That was the house i grew up in and now its no longer mine. I have so many memories in that house, the yard, the area....As much as i'm happy that he sold it, i'm still kinda depressed that i'm losing my house. I dont know where he's going for now, nor does he. He's got to have everything out by the 15th of next month... where he's going with everything is beyond me... Mom's going to end up making more money off the house then Dad does. Which is shitty because I wont see any help with tuition still... and its going to send me back even more.. before its all said and done, i'll be dropping out of school because i cant pay for it.... which really sucks, because Its all playing out that i truely am the failure that everyone always told me that i was......I hate the feeling, but maybe its the truth..
... Its 5am and I suppose I should head to bed... I have class at 2:30 tomorrow afternoon.. as well as work at 5 and then i'm going out after work for the night with Leah... | 
