Searfoss’s Fun-Ass Guide to Summer Boredom!
Are you tired of June, July, and August? Do you feel like you’ve had your fill of summer vacation after only two weeks off? Are raring to get back to that schoolwork, and those summer projects you should’ve been working on? No, you’re not motherfucking mental: just follow some of these fun-ass suggestions concocted by the castrated master of wasting time, Matthew Searfoss, and everyday will feel like its June 18th!
No Shame in Games!
-I Broke a Nail! - A fun-ass variation of Whisper Down the Alley, best-described as Bitchsmack Down the Alley. The last person standing wins a whole roomful of Turkish delights.
-Duck Hunt! - Bring the fun of the hit Nintendo game to your local pond! Items: A BB-gun, BBs, ducks, hunting arena, Doberman. BONUSES: Red-feathered bastards and pregnant ducks, +2 points.
-Candy Poker Tournament - Wegman's offers a fine selection of a wide variety of candies, chewies, nuts, gummies, uppers, downers, screamers, and quarts of Tequila. Instead of playing with money, use that cabbage instead to first buy candy. Great for long roadtrips!
Conversion Table:
1 Gummy Worm = 4 Swedish Fish = 2 Almond Joys = 6 Cheetos/Fritos/Negroes/Tortitos = 1 Whale with the Cherry-filled Blowhole = 16 Pez (You can make up the rest yourself)
-Tweeter Bonanza! Get rides from your friends and insist on listening to your preference of music, and then turn the volume up so fucking loud that it blows out the subwoofer. The person who can't get any rides wins!
-CD Toss - Just what the name implies. Make little penis-shaped pieces of iron on concrete slabs in your backyard, and try to ring your sister's Green Day albums around them.
-Benjamin Franklin (Great for warm days!) - A pool game. Everyone who's playing gets in to swim during a lightning storm. One person is labeled "The Crazy Inventor", who then calls out "Benjamin". The other players respond with "Franklin". When someone is tagged by "The Crazy Inventor", they become "The Crazy Inventor" The first to get electricuted wins.
Creative Cooking!
-A Grilled Cheese Contest w/ Your Friends. Suggested Prize: 18 Pounds of Motherfucking Roast Duck.
-Recipe: Searfoss's Cheesy Cholesterol Mecca - Ingredients: 16 Cheese Slices, 2 Slices of White Bread, 1 Stick of Butter, 8 Slices of Pepperoni. Heat a frying pan on the stove. Melt the entire stick of butter in it. Put one slice of white bread in, and then 8 slices of cheese. Add 8 slices of pepperoni, and then the last 8 slices of cheese. Finish off with the other bread slice and flip over. Now let it cook, goddamnit. Delicious.
-Recipe: Searfoss's Benign Lemon-Lime Fantasia - Ingredients: Mountain Dew, Lime Sherbet, Vanilla (Bean) Ice Cream, Quart of Tequila. Just blend all that shit together. Serves 18 if you distribute in shot glasses. Delicious.
Fun-Ass Ways to Irritate Your Parents! (Or make them feel out-of-place)
-Never go anywhere without a manila folder. Always change the subject if they ever ask you about it.
-Laugh after they give you an order.
-Laugh after they scold you for laughing at an order.
-Claim that any shit you've got in store for them can be handled twice as fast/efficiently by their fully-grown ass.
-Stare at them until they leave the room.
-Pull pieces of lint off their clothes while they're eating dinner, and fling them onto their plate while they're not looking.
-Ask your mother why she doesn't look like a hybrid Mariah Carey/Tyra Banks.
-Ask why your father wouldn't rather be married to Mariah Carey or Tyra Banks.
-Ask your father why your crotch smells funny after masturbation.
-Put your father's internet porn right next to your little sister's Wordmunchers game.
Grande Finale: If you're ever grounded, put on your own performance of STOMP with everything you can find in your room. Charge everyone in your family $35 dollars after you're ungrounded, and hand them a bootleg Playbill.
Fun-Ass Fact! Penguins can shit six times faster than humans can!
DVDs that won't Dissapoint/Depress you!
-City of God
-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
-Indiana Jones and the Masked Crusader (or whatever the fuck it was, the one with Ssshawn Chonury)
-Rush Hour 2
-Chappelle's Show, Seasons 1 and 2
-The Matrix/Star Wars Trilogies
What's in Store! Downloads Galore!
-Viktor Vaughn - Mr. Clean (video)
-Don't Know Why - Norah Jones (audio - she might've made a video)
-De La Soul feat. MF DOOM - Rock Co. Kane Flow (video - Live from The Carson Daily Show)
-Gil Scott Heron - Save the Children (audio)
-Common feat. John Mayer - GO! (video)
-Madvillain - ALL CAPS (video)
-Jurassic 5 - A Day at the Races (audio)
Way(s) to Piss off Police Officers!
-Diall 9-1-1 and report a Super Nintendo Entertainment System being stolen, then when (if) they send someone to investigate, have a yard sale on your driveway with nothing but those 2 items. Nag the officer about not buying anything if he tries to question you. Constantly request to be frisked, and if he's perverted enough to, tell him he missed a spot.
-Drink different types of soda and see if a local officer's breathalizer can read what types they are. When it can't, label it defunct and break it in a crybaby tantrum.
-Everytime the cop's about to get out of his car and give you a speeding ticket, go a little further to give his doughnut jelly-gut a workout.
-Use his breathalizer like a thermometer for animals.
-Give a cop a "Slimy Eagle"
Grande Finale: When a cop approaches you for speeding, start and end the conversation with: "1,197 American murders occur everyday...it's too bad your chief didn't think you could handle them, you're here giving tickets out to no-name motherfuckers like me when instead you could be tracking down the next Charles Manson..."
Good Legal Fun!
Prank Calling Options: (www.switchboard.com, or check the White Pages)
-Chinese Wokery
-All You Can Eat Buffet
-Exotic Dreams
-Mara Schneider
-Darth Vader
-Subway, and ask for Jared. If say that's confidental information, respond with: "Don't be a jealous bastard, he burns more calories than your ass ever will eating hoagies, and he's never got to work another day in his life." Alternate: "I told you he wasn't motherfucking real, pay me my money!"
Fun Suggestion! Smear honey all over yourself and colonize your very own literal bumblebee hive. Sell the honey to make a profit. Or let male strippers/prostitutes lick it off of you.
$$ Ways to Make Legitamate Money! $$
(Without getting a goddamn job)
-Candy Poker Tournament
-Bet on the existance of Jared from the Subway commercials with your friends.
-Couch Cushions
Fun Suggestion!
Items: -A deck of cards
-A Doberman, Rotweiler, Pitbull, and a Poodle
-A table
-An interrogation lamp
What to do: Create an exact, real-life replica of the four dogs playing poker painting and give it framed to your dad as a late Father's Day gift.
Fun-Ass Websites to Visit!
www.homestarrunner.com (personal favorite)
www.ebaumsworld.com
www.lyrics.astraweb.com
www.bored.com
www.xanga.com/unicornlover224 (ladies personal favorite)
www.sound-ink.com
www.metacritic.com (if you like hearing assholes with bullshit coming out of their mouth instead of their behind)
www.addictinggames.com
www.coffeebreakarcade.com (home-page favorite)
Fun Suggestion! Masturbate
"Great balls of fire!
Guess who just crawled out the mud the mire
That could make you trust a motherfuckin liar?
A real shuck n' jiver!
Vaughn never been a duck n' diver
He spit on the mic, yuck, saliva...
Hold it like a drunk driver hold a CB on a sharp turn
Still clutchin' his chest from the heartburn
What's your handle? I need a Zantac, ock
And thanks before I blank into anyphylactic shock"
Fun-Ass Jokes! (Searfossrighted, it took me weeks to think of these motherfuckers)
If Spiderman shot his girlfriend would he have smoked Mary Jane?
What do you call a Muslim marsupual? A pro-Allah bear.
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