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| The Best Pickup Line EverIt's been a while since I've written any stories, and so I'm trying to
get back into it. Here's a short piece I wrote over the weekend. While
it's not cleverly written or anything, I think it's a story that needs
retelling.
This is the story of the greatest pickup line
I have ever heard. And though as you'll soon see that the result here
was positive, it by no means will work for everyone. Like the previous
winner of this honor, “Hey, want to come look at the dead seal over
there?”, this pickup line is at least slightly context dependent, and
your results may vary. I recall this story as it was told to me during
one night of reverie a few months ago.
So I was at the bar a few months ago, I think it was
October. And my friend and I were drinking, having a great time, when
he says to me, “hey, I want to ask that girl over there out, but I need
you to be my wingman.” Being a good sport, I said okay, but on one
condition – he had to tell me what he was going to say to her.
He said, okay, here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to go
up behind her, knee her in the back of her knee, and tell her “I kneed
you.”
At this point you, the reader, are probably laughing or groaning at
the terrible pun and saying to yourself this couldn't possibly work. In
fact, that is what I told him, and he agreed.
Yeah, so I said to him, okay man, that's ridiculous, but
I'm going to be your wingman just to see you try this out. And so we go
over to the hot girl, he does his kneed schtick, and amazingly enough,
she does notn't throw her drink on him! In fact, she actually gave him
her number at the end of the night.
Oh and by the way, they're engaged and getting married this fall.
What? Only the best pickup line ever. | | |
| Why Mass Media has failed us. | | |
| The Situation RoomThe Situation Room is a show on CNN that specializes in making viewers
terrified of leaving their homes. I rather euphemistically like to
refer to it as the 60 minutes of PANIC. It is hosted by Wolf Blitzer, a
man who undoubtedly cries himself to sleep every night when he
remembers that he's not Walter Cronkite or Peter Jennings, and he
welcomes viewers by touting CNN's reporters all over the world, ready
to report on the latest fuck-up that the US government has managed to
get itself involved in.
The situation room itself is a studio with eight video screens, all of
which insist on being filled with animation every second of the
broadcast, clusterfucking for your attention in the least informative
way possible. It's like watching someone who just learned Powerpoint's
animation functions try out every single annoying little animation in
the span of the broadcast. Cub stands in front of one of these screens
and begins delivering his lines, showing off the fact that the
situation room is actually just another newscast, except it's done
standing up. Bravo to you CNN. How innovative. In a way this is CNN's
way of cockslapping local TV broadcasters. Ooh look at us, we're CNN.
We have so much money we can afford to use real TVs instead of that
lame-ass green screen shit.
So as little Cub continues his broadcast, what he says is conveniently
summarized by bullet points on the screen behind him. Excuse me, you
just read that to me. What the fuck are you doing putting it up on the
wall? Am I supposed to take notes on what you say? Do you think it's
vaguely useful putting text up that is tiny and spinning like a Jack
Russell terrier on crack? On top of that dear old Wolfy is standing in
front of the text most of the time, entirely defeating its purpose.
The day I watched the situation room was when they had three
commentators on to talk about Barack Obama winning the Democratic
presidential nomination. They had, in order: Black woman Democrat,
White Jew Democrat, and Doucheface Republican. The latter of which was
on because CNN apparently has this policy of when reporting a news
story, everything must be countered by some other viewpoint, regardless
of how irrelevant and useless it is. Cub asks black woman how she feels
about having a black guy win, Jew boy is asked about the party, and
republidouche is extolling the virtues of John McCain. Remind me again
why you're on this segment? Faux News is in the other building.
So feeling the need to justify republidouche's existance, the question
now turns to who looks more presidential, McCain or Obama, seeing as
most Americans apparently vote based on who sounds less of a jerk -
look where that got us these past eight years. Unfortunately, this does
little to help elephant boy's raison d'etre (look I know French), as it
is quickly pointed out that Barack Obama does really a good "voice of
god" impression while John McCain has the speaking abilities of Elmer
Fudd.
Let me end by saying The Situation Room is not all bad. When there are
natural disasters or major world-spanning events, it's rather useful to
gather everyone together in one giant room. But for the love of god,
stop making so much shit fly across the room all the time. I mean
seriously, we know that you're all spouting off bullshit, you don't
need to show us the flies that are buzzing around it as well. | | |
| Iron Man3 out of 5 flying monkeys
The superhero film genre has been typically characterized by films
which, to put it lightly, fail miserably. Who could forget the pain
that we felt when films such as Catwoman, Elektra, Night Rider, and
Spiderman 3 came out? There have been few exceptions to this rule,
those being Batman Begins, Xmen, and argueably, this film.The strengths
of Iron Man is it gives the geeks what they want. Really smart guy
comes up with really cool suit/machine, and uses it to fight crime. A
plethora of closeups of the suit provide great eye candy for the
audience, though one has to question why Tony Stark, brilliant mind,
would work on experimental technology so close to his collection of
really nice cars. What sappy love scenes that Hollywood appears to love
is thankfully cut short in this film, and the one sex scene lasts for
approximately 20 seconds, and is characterized by a girl who now holds
the record for worst kisser ever. One has to wonder though, with all
his money, why couldn't Stark buy a better home security system, as
throughout the film it seems anyone who wants to manages to welcome
himself in. He has a freaking computer running his house! Wouldn't that
electronic being notice?
Robert Downey Jr. continues his recent streak of finding roles that
seem to have been written for him with Tony Stark, the billionaire
bad-boy-turns-good that apparently is a trend in the comics-writing
industry. His supporting cast is equally strong, and I would argue that
his Israeli assistant delivers the best performance of the supporting
group, on the grounds that his backstory gave him a strong character.
The movie is not without faults, however. The film unfortunately falls
where most superhero films do, in being outright predictable. The evil
villain tells the hero what he's done midway through the film, the
seemingly sidestepped girl becomes the main love interest, the villain,
at a range of 20 feet max, still manages to miss the hero, even when
firing a missile. To some degree I suppose this is what people want, a
no surprises movie; but it drops Iron Man from being anywhere in the
list of great films because it takes no risks. It is fun, but does not
challenge the viewer with anything particularly over the top. The
soundtrack is regrettably forgettable, as the release features none of
the rock songs used in the film, leaving just the score, which
unfortunately reminds me of the soundtrack to 300, except with far less
gusto and no choir.
Despite these problems, Iron Man still provides great entertainment,
and hopefully marks the turnaround of the superhero film, as Dark
Knight and Hulk-via-Edward Norton are released this summer.
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| Headliners week of April 28thTeen In Bomb Plot Wanted To "Kill Jesus"FLORENCE, S.C., April 29, 2008 A teen accused of plotting to blow up his high school told police that he wanted to die, go to heaven and kill Jesus, federal authorities said Tuesday.
....because you know how hard it is for Jesus to STAY DEAD.
UW Officials Reinstate Sex Toys SeminarMADISON, Wis. (AP) -- A sex toys seminar planned at the University of Wisconsin-Madison Law School was canceled by school officials last week over fears products would be offered for sale.
What a college education brings you.
Marriage on the rocks? K-Y to the rescue!K-Y's new contribution? A product, YOURS+MINE, that is "designed specifically to increase intimacy and communication between couples." The man uses a blue lubricant containing a substance that is "invigorating." The woman uses a purple lubricant providing a sensation that is "thrilling." And when the two mix? A new sensation "ignites" between the two of them.
Bonus points: the bottles glow in the dark
Time's top 100 most influential people of 2008http://www.time.com/time/specials/2007/article/0,28804,1725112_1726934_1726935,00.html
Topping the list:
1. Miyamoto of Nintendo
2. Rain
3. Stephen Colbert
4. Tyler Perry
5. Heidi Klum
Truly, (1 and 3 excepted) a list that can only be surpassed by anyone talented. Or interesting. Or worthwhile. | | |
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