"Do you ever think about leaving Dad?" I blurted.

My mom was unruffled by this outburst. "You can't be together as long as we have and NOT think about it, Jessie."

"But are you MORE than thinking about it?" I asked. "Because-"

"Because Bethany has seen the Signs?" She said the last two words derisively.

"She TOLD you about that?"

"Of course she did," my mother said. "She tells me everything. She even told me that she asked you to be Marin's legal guardian."

And here I was, all this time thinking that the Blonde Bond had been broken.

"Have you given HER an answer at least?" she asked.

"Not yet." I shook my head. "I don't want to make commitments I can't keep."

Mom pursed her lips and hummed, as if her unspoken words were darting around the inside of her mouth.

"What?" I asked.

"That's the problem with your generation. No commitment. Taking responsibility for Marin would mean the end of your carefree lifestyle."

I took offense. "My life is not carefree...."

"Yes it is. CAREFREE. Free of care. Young people today want to keep their options open just in case a better opportunity comes along."

"That's not true...."

"You've got a temporary job, a temporary apartment," my mom said. "How can you care about ANYTHING when you treat EVERYTHING like it's only temporary?"

I opened my mouth to protest the obvious: Everything IS only temporary. She lectured on.

"None of you seem to be in any hurry to grow up...."

"And I don't want you to think I'm picking on you," Mom said. "From what I hear, it sounds like your friends are even worse."

I leaned back into the seat and closed my eyes to the maligning of an entire generation.

"Your roommate can't decide if she's gay or straight. And just look at Sara. She lives with Scotty, the father of her child, but has no plans to marry....And what about Bridget and Percy?" she asked. "They've been engaged for a year. What are they waiting for?"

"Actually," I began, "Bridget and Percy are waiting until marriage is legal for gays...."

My mom snorted. "Oh, they're just spinning their wheels with that kind of talk...."

I refused to admit that I had been thinking along those same lines.

"I get it, Mom," I groaned. "You were married at twenty-two, so you think everyone should be married by twenty-two."

"You think I was ready to be a wife and mother at twenty-two? I hadn't gone to college, hadn't traveled anywhere outside New Jersey, hadn't dated anyone, hadn't slept with anyone besides your father!"

I did everything I could to resist shouting, "TMI! TMI!" I had no idea that the confessional conversation would go even deeper within my discomfort zone.

"I didn't have the same choices that you have now. I chose from what was available to me, and dedicated myself to it for the next thirty-four years."

I was rattled by the word CHOICE in this context. "You say that you didn't have as many choices back when you were my age," I said. "Maybe that was a positive thing. I feel completely paralyzed by all the possibilities."

I'm not crazy for feeling this way, you know. I've read several studies for Think suggesting that more choices make people less happy. Why? Because there will always be more opportunities passed up than taken up. Ergo, as our options expand, so do our desires - and unmet desires in particular. And didn't we establish in Buddhism 101 that desiring begets suffering?

And yet, even with science AND religion on my side, I was fully aware of how self-centered I sounded. But I was not sufficiently ashamed to shut up.

"By choosing one option, I'm closing myself off to all the others that might be even better. I'm afraid of making the wrong decision. I'm afraid that the mistakes I make now in my twenties will lead to decades of regret."

I paused before asking, "How did you know you made the right decision at the time?"

Note the switch from "choice" to "decision".

"I didn't!!" She punctuated her point by punching the air-conditioner button.

So. I'm updating. Wow.

Maybe it's only because Chrystle and Chris are sitting on my left and made me think of one more way to procrastinate and not study.

a'sdfjsd'lfjdl'fdjaslkfjdslfjdl'fjadklfjd'klfdlk!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shoot me. Now. ARGH! Must study.

Sigh.

It's such a good/bad feeling to not study and have fun when you know you should be studying. Haha, oh gosh.

"... and all shall be forgiven."

No matter what, it's always the small acts of thoughtfulness, of pure simple kindness that restore my faith in the world.

The feeling is indescribable when I realize how lucky I am to be loved by him. While the future will always be uncertain, in any situation, I know that at this moment I am overwhelmed, overcome with how much I am feeling.

A reminder to myself for the next time I feel depressed, angry, frustrated, lonely, excluded, forgotten...To remember what a waste of energy those kinds of feelings are, since they always bring out the worst part of myself, the ugly bitter resentful me.

Because if he can humble me and make me so grateful -- with one small act -- that there is someone out there in this world that cares about me in this short short life, isn't that what it's really all about?? -- Showing you care.

No one could appreciate him for what he is, or what he does in his life, more than I do. Thank you, Mark Nicholas Chang.

some things that have been bothering me lately: (although "bothering" might be too nice of a word)

1. "friends" who you just realize you don't really get along with as well as you thought. and it's sad to think that it isn't because they are bad people (because you've been friends with them all along) but just that the personality doesn't click with yours as easily as it should -- on both sides there is less tolerance and allowance for different beliefs, different ways of looking at arguments, and differences in reacting to disagreements.

2. chronic disagreements between friends that aren't really so much about the physical aspect of hanging out, as the emotional supportive side of friendship. the quick judgments, hasty conclusions, and general assumptions between both sides about what a friend really meant to say and do. it's about feeling frustrated in not being able to talk about it openly, because even though the friend may understand and maybe even forgive, it's probable that the quality of trust will never be the same. and it's about feeling frustrated with the idea of an expendable friendship based on the lack of physical support.