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If you're from PETA........you might not want to read this. This is going to be me venting a frustration that I have been keeping inside for a long, long time. It has to do with horses.
Now I want to state right up front that I do not hate horses. I don't mind them. They're just fine. But I am bothered by horse movies. I will not state which exactly are the worst horse movies, because chances are many of you have them on your list of favorites.
Horse movies are a lot like sports movies. In a sports movie, the team starts off horribly. They're hopeless. If they win one game it will be a miracle. Then, there is some sort of change........ either they become angry, unified, or get a new coach with a much larger spending budget, and then go on to massive success.
Horse movies are similar.............. the horse starts off either getting shot, tripping and doing four somersaults, getting hit by a semi truck, or falling out of a B-57 bomber. They're usually hurt very badly, but they never quite die. There is then a dialogue scene that goes something like this:
Vet: "Now if we're lucky, this horse will walk again someday."
Horse Owner: "You mean she won't be able to race, ever again?"
Vet: "Absolutely not! That B-57 was at 30,000 feet!"
Horse Owner: "So there's no way on this earth that the horse will ever race again in a huge important race and win the whole thing while I smile from the sidelines, the jockey and I sharing a 'We knew all along that the horse would race again and win' kind of look?"
Vet: "There is no way."
Horse Owner: "Darn. Guess we'll have to shoot the horse."
Little Girl: "DADDY NO!!!! YOU CAN'T SHOOT THE HORSE!! LOOK AT HOW I'M CRYING!!!!"
Horse Owner (aka Father): "Well, alright. But don't get your hopes up. At the very best, this horse will walk again someday, if we're lucky."
Vet: "But she won't race."
Horse Owner (aka Father): "Right, there's no way she'll race."
Now at this point in the movie, we basically all know that the horse is going to walk again. Then it's going to be ridden. Then it is going to begin training. Then the people around it will start getting CRAZY ideas of it racing........ they'll talk each other out of it for awhile, but eventually the horse will be entered in a huge race.
Then we'll see newspaper stories on the amazing horse that wins all the races. His owner will be a crooked and crafty looking man, while our hero horse's owner is just a poor old guy who used to ride in races but fell off one day and hasn't raced since.
So enough of dragging this thing out...... In sports movies, sometimes the team that has had the incredible turnaround makes it to the championship and loses. Not often, but it sometimes happens. The horses never lose. Ever.
So here is my thought........ I think this idea would sell like crazy. Here's a brief outline.
1. Horse gets hurt.
2. Everyone is hopeless.
3. Someone tries to put the horse down.
4. Someone else interjects and saves the horses life.
5. Horse walks.
6. Horse trains.
7. Horse enters race.
8. The night before the big race, a slightly mental horseman enters the stable, and lights up a cigar.
9. The slightly mental horsemen forgets that he just won a bet to see who could swallow the most gasoline and still walk.
10. Boom.
11. The horse doesn't make it.
12. The end.
So that's my idea. I'm not sure if it would actually make money or not, but some of us would be happy. It would make every horse movie from here on out better as well........ there would always have a slight hesitancy to believe that the horse was going to win the big race.
We'd always wonder if perhaps another slightly mental horseman would make another deadly mistake.
Let me know if you like the idea. If you don't comment, a slightly mental horseman will enter your bedroom and......
Boom.
Cheers. | 
