| | somewhere along this journey i took a wrong turn and everything around me looked similar to what i thought it should look like, but i have come far enough down the road to realize what wrong turn i made and now i just have to figure out how to make it right.
i have been hurt and ever since i take great care to maintain the thick wall around my heart. the more hurt i feel; the taller and thicker the wall gets, eventually keeping everything away just to avoid more pain. but God has been in the process of breaking me. i didn't realize until today that it's probably this wall that he's working on, one brick at a time. for a long time i've been asking Him what He's doing to me and why without reply. i think it's because i couldn't handle it. if He would have tried to tell me six months ago that He wanted to break down the wall around my heart, i would have hired more guards and invested in barbed wire. somehow because i didn't know, He snuck in and made a big hole. normally i would get freaked out by said hole except that He has His love gushing through so hard and fast that nothing else can get in or out. mostly because in this darkness and silence, i have missed love the most. i want to feel loved and to feel capable of love, which apart from God is impossible.
there's a song by barlowgirl that really resonates with me in this moment:
Why? Why are You still here with me? Didn't You see what I've done? In my shame I want to run, And hide myself.
Yeah, but it's here I see the truth, I don't deserve You.
But I need You to love me, And I, I won't keep my heart from You this time.
And I'll stop this pretending that I can, Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me
I, I have wasted so much time Pushing You away from me. I just never saw how You could cherish me.
Cause You're a God who has all things, and still You want me.
And I need You to love me, And I, I won't keep my heart from You this time.
And I'll stop this pretending that I can, Somehow deserve what I already have
Your love makes me forget what I have been. Your love makes me see who I really am. Your love makes me forget what I have been, oh-oh.
And I need You to love me, I need You to love me,
And I'll stop this pretending that I can, Somehow deserve what I already have, Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me, I need You to;
I need, I need You...
that wrong turn i made was thinking God would only love me if i did something to deserve His love. i prided myself in how much i have done for Him, all the sacrifices, all the steps of faith, but really i was just trying to buy His love, which i already have. i wouldn't let God just love me. that's all He wants to do. He doesn't want to fix my wall, He wants to break it down.
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| | Posted 4/6/2008 6:31 PM - 23 views - 1 comments
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