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vanessajlynn
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Country: United States
State: Missouri
Metro: St. Louis
Birthday: 6/7/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: anything that has to do with Japan, the arts, watching the travel channel and the history channel, climbing on crazy structures at the City Museum, laughing at mystery science theater 3000
Expertise: observing people, places and things, musical groups and singers, psychology, cosmetology, making fun of myself, being alone in a crowd, libraries, starbucks, borders, burning cds, tripping in front of large crowds, doing impersonations, pushing the wrong pedal while driving, and staring at cloud formations.
Occupation: Retired
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  musixhealing
Member Since:
11/8/2004
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| The PruningCamp was wonderful this weekend. It was a chance to get away. After
crashing my car, and bombing a big math test, and getting a ticket in a
construction zone ($378!!!), and still dealing with the breakup, I have
been basically wondering what is going on. I mean, I've been trying to
live for God and do all the right things, and then, all of the sudden,
everything went wrong. I wasn't mad at God, but I was confused. So I
went to camp this weekend and wonder of all wonders -- the speaker (who
was really gifted!) was talking about the joy of the Lord! Exactly what
I needed to hear! Anyway, the thing that struck me most was the verse
in John 15 that says, "The branch that does not bear fruit, He cuts it
off. But the branch that BEARS fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear
MORE fruit." !!! And I realized then that, when you're not bearing
fruit at all in your life, he may cut that part off, to start over new.
But the branches that ARE bearing fruit, He prunes them so they might
bear MORE fruit. So, it doesn't matter if you're doing all the right
things and living for God -- if you are, it's even more likely that He
will put you through something just so you will bear even MORE fruit!!!
How amazing is that?! I definitely, definitely have drawn closer to the
Lord through everything that has happened and I haven't been this close
to Him since sometime last summer, so it's pretty neat! I can't wait
for the summer, because I will get to go to camp and counsel. Speaking
of counseling, I saw a few of "my girls" that I counseled 3 years ago.
They were 13 and 14 and now they're 16 and 17 -- they're gorgeous and
so beautiful inside and out. They've really blossomed in every way, and
it was just wonderful to get to talk to them and hear about what God's
doing in their lives now. I will be counseling 5 weeks altogether
spread out over June and July. My Dad is speaking the last week in
June, so that should be fun.
Anyway, I'm going to study with my
wonderful friend, Madelyn. Granted, we're studying math which is NO
fun, but we will get to hang out, so that WILL be fun! Tomorrow, she
and I (both Music Therapy majors) are going to the Bible Study at
Maryville University -- I can't wait to make friends there!
Love, Vanessa | | |
| I ALMOST DIED THIS WEEKEND!!!
Wow, I've had my life flash before my eyes when I slipped off the cliff
when I was trying to jump off of it at Johnson Shut-ins... it's a SUPER
tall cliff and it's not really safe to jump off of because you have to
jump far enough over a tree and rocks to not "splat" but I was getting
a running start so I could miss all that stuff but my cousin yelled
"Look! A park ranger!" write as I was nearing the edge of the cliff and
I tried to stop, but I had too much momentum, and I slipped off and
fell in on my side and when I was falling, the people watching were
screaming, "She's gonna die!!!" and my life flashed before my eyes and
I thought, "I'm not sure, but I think I would rather die saving
someone's life then falling off a cliff!" and I smacked the water and
got the wind knocked out of me and consequently had a huge bruise
across my side, but I lived, obviously. And then, this past summer, I
was dared to do a flip off of a big cliff on a float trip and I
decided, "What the heck, I'll prove I'm a daredevil and attempt a
double front flip." Needless to say, I thought, going down, I may die,
but I was kind of happier that I would die doing a double-flip off of a
cliff than falling off. But yesterday... oh my gosh.
It was
raining and I was driving my Mom's car (oh, the luck), and I took a
corner a little too sharp and the back end of my car started
fish-tailing into the other lane, so I whipped the steering wheel left,
but my car kept going right and I saw a tree and I thought, "Well, I'm
going to die", but, in that split second, I realized, "But I've left
behind some good music, some good writings, some good jokes, some good
drawings... so it's all good." and I felt peace about going to heaven.
But I hit the tree and the air bags smashed into my face and then the
car spun all the way around and the back hit a fence and it started
smoking and so I put it in park and jumped out, but the most disturbing
part of the whole ordeal was the fact that the lady in the minivan who
was coming the opposite way and saw the whole thing, looked over after
I wrecked and then kept driving... what a jerk! I don't care if you
think, "Oh my gosh, I don't know what to do or how to help", but
everybody and their goldfish has cell phones and she could've at least
taken a second out of her day to maybe save a life (as the Fray would
say) or offer a phone. But no... she was a selfish woman with no guts.
Anyway, I got out of the car and looked at the damage and, wow, the
front was all smashed in, the windshield had shattered, the back was
all smashed in, there were pieces of the car all over the road, and it
was smoking like a stack! Finally some fireman happened to stop by and
called the fire truck and the police and gave me the cell to call my
parents. The most uncool thing is that we don't have insurance coverage
on that car AND it was my Mom's and, needless to say, it's as totaled
as they come. But, luckily, my parents were just glad I was alive and I
started crying and told my Dad, "Dad, I am SO sorry, I know this will
cost you alot of money!" and he just laughed and said, "Well, the truth
is that it would've cost me more money if you had made it to the mall
then to have crashed the car" ... and I laughed and thought to myself,
"Thank you, Lord, for such great parents, with a sense of humor!"
Anyways, I wasn't shaken up, I wasn't scared, I just thought, "Well, my
time isn't over here on this planet, and I have one life to live, so I
mine as well go all out from now on!" Haha. I'm thankful, though. God
is good, and He apparently isn't done with me yet! =D I called a few
people after it happened to tell them I almost died, and to my dismay,
some of them responded with a "Huh." and not a "Are you alright?! I'm
SO glad you're okay!!!" but praise God for any friends, right?!
Anyway,
it's given me a new perspective and determination to live every minute
of this one life I have to live... not that I didn't have that before,
because I always feel that way, but it's just more exaggerated now.
Anyways,
the whole crash brought to mind what Jonathan Swift said, which is one
of my favorite quotes, "May you LIVE all the days of your life!"
Peace out.
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| Let's Pretend I wrote a new song during one of my classes yesterday. I think it has alot of potential, but this is a very rough draft, I haven't tweaked it at all:
LET'S PRETEND
1. Twenty years to dust / They came and went /
They came and went / Girls in bed with broken hearts / I'm on my knees
/ I'm on my knees /
Chorus 1: Let's pretend we never were /
Let's pretend we never touched / Let's pretend we never whispered /
Secrets better kept /
2. I think you'll realize one day / You
need my warmth / You need my warmth / You don't have to shiver, Darling
/ I am the sun / I am your sun /
Chorus 2: Let's pretend we
never were / Let's pretend we never touched / Let's pretend we never
flew / To space and sailed through stars /
Bridge: Leave for a
minute / I'll be waiting / Leave for forever / I'll be waiting / I'll
pretend I never fell in love / But pretending always comes undone /
Chorus
3: Let's pretend we never were / Let's pretend we never touched / But
clowns always wash off the paint / And actors make their way back home /
***
Well, that's the gist of it. My friend told me it had an emo sound to it. I think he's right. It's not going to be a lull of a song, it's going to be upbeat and maybe even a little pop/rockish.
Anyway, I hung out with Eric last night because I wanted to tell him that it's too hard for me to be friends. But I chickened out and I couldn't say how I felt, but I tried to let him know. How do I feel you ask? Well, to put it in the words of Colin Hay (a great musician):
I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You
I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
I'm no longer moved to drink strong whiskey
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
***
Colin Hay is strumming my pain with his fingers, singing my life with his words, k illing me softly with his song.
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| Make or Break
Well, Wednesday is the night, folks. I'm going to explain my philosophy
on women to Eric. I guess had some free time to think and I decided
that women can be divided into two categories: dogs or cats.
The
cats are very mysterious and prowling. You don't know if they like you
or not and the truth probably is that they don't care either way. You
have to work for a cat's affection. If you want them to come to you and
"play", you have to bribe them with a treat. They prefer a particular
kind of food: Fancy Feast. When they catch something, they like to play
with it. They are picky and they like to get their own way. The problem
with cats is that, unless you're interesting and working for their
attention, they go curl up on their comfortable catbed and sleep their
life away. And if you aren't interesting enough, they will find
something that is. Cats are cold creatures. But attractive to some
because of their mystery and aloofness and beauty.
Then there
are the dogs (which is what I am). With dogs, you could go away on
vacatioin or just step outside your house for a minute and your dog
will run up to you and kiss you and wag their tails. They're excited to
see you no matter what. A dog will eat whatever is put in front of it.
Dogs are extremely loyal and will protect you from harm. Dogs can sense
emotions like anger and loneliness, and they can also sense things like
vulnerability and intimidation and personal injury. Dogs will jump up
on your lap and lay their head on your shoulder and sleep next to you
without you lifting a finger. Dogs will beg for treats and do tricks
because they want whatever you will give them. Sometimes certain dogs
get a bad reputation
because because they are too hyper. But what
they really want is to play with you. They will bring you balls and
other toys. Dogs are mostly givers, but also needers. But they will
never ask for more than they would give.
Basically, my
ex-boyfriend is attracted to cats. Women that don't pay attention to
him and don't treat him right. I think he likes things he can't have.
That is the sad story. Me, I'm just happy with whatever he will give me
and I overcompensate because I care too much.
I'm going to
tell him about my philosophy on women and tell him that if he wants the
playful, loyal puppy, then look no further. But if he is more
interested in girls who like to play games and don't care, then he will
have success finding one because that's what alot of girls are.
So
Wednesday night we are hanging out. It is the make it or break it date.
I know deep down that it will end, so I can't leave it lingering like
this.
I did love him, I don't know if I do now, but I did. I will tell him that I wish him all the best in life and love.
But if he wanted a fountain, I would never run dry.
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| The 24-hour Window Of Time Called Today
"It's so easy to lament the past or fret about the future. And yet the
only thing I'm being asked to manage at the moment is the 24-hour
window of time called today."
How true! I don't know about me
sometimes... I just carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, but
is it all in my head? Am I really carrying the world or am I just
carrying my own baggage from town to town. There's a verse in Psalms
that says the Lord will DAILY carry our burdens. And yet, here I am
carrying them myself... saying, "No, God, I want to carry this
tremendous burden on myself, but thanks for asking." And it's cliche'
but it's true... I don't want to read my Bible because I know God will
speak to me and tell me that His grace is sufficient for me and I need
not worry about these relationships that seem too matter just a bit too
much. It's hard to admit this, but I think I WANT to feel lonely, I
want to feel pity for myself, and I don't want to change. I can't
believe I just said that, but it is so true. It's funny - growing up in
a Christian family is great, but one thing that bothers me is that I
always know what the Bible's answer to my problems are: I have all the
verses on not worrying memorized, all the verses on how God has plans
for me, and all of the verses on peace and shelter.... and yet, I
almost wish I didn't know those so that I would think, "I wonder what
the answer is?" and I would read my Bible and my eyes would be opened
and I would say, "Now THAT is what I've been needing to hear!" ... but
it's not like that. I've memorized all of those verses so much and, you
know what, familiarity does breed contempt. I almost despise the fact
that those truths are so ingrained in my head because I don't want to
hear the truth. I want to hear lies. I want to believe lies. It just
proves that just because something is in your head, doesn't mean it's
in your heart. I am thankful overall for the wonderful Christian family
I have, but it's not always easy with so much familiarity... soon comes
a numbness. It's like the Scriptures are kind of dulled. That's why I
need to try every day to make my faith my own and not my family's or my
church's.
As you can probably gather, I am a little
frustrated. Alot of my relationships lately have been disappointing me.
I wonder why people aren't who I thought they were and why they're
treating me this way when I've tried my hardest to be the best friend
to them. I've just always been a loner and I love people and I love
reaching out, but it's hard for me to let people in close because I'm
afraid they will hurt me and every time I have let someone close, they
have hurt me. And I think, everytime I take that knife out of my heart,
the Lord is telling me, "I AM." And it's my responsibility to listen.
Selah.
I miss Eric.
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