Some days I am the evil mommy I never wanted to be. I hate that and sometimes I hate myself.
A friend once said that when she was in the deep throes of PPD, she would think, "If only I didn't have my kids I'd kill myself."
It's a strange conundrum, motherhood in this age in this country. Sometimes you feel like if only you didn't have your beautiful child(ren), you'd do away with yourself in a second and yet with PPD or mommy induced depression, perhaps if you didn't have your child(ren), you wouldn't be depressed enough to commit suicide at all.
It isn't like it's their fault for being born or for being so difficult to be around some days. We all know that. We all know that we may end up with a spirited child or that due to our own upbringing, we may lack the skills to cope with life as a parent. That's why the whole parenting thing is so scary.
I actually said to my daughter today that I didn't sign up for "this". "This" being up until 3 am with an incredibly high needs toddler, a messy house, two obnoxious dogs, tired out of my mind, alone besides the kids, wanting a glass of wine and a couple valium along with the time to chain smoke an entire pack of unfiltered cigarettes. When I was first pregnant, I thought of worse scenarios. I did, in fact, sign up for this. I corrected myself with her and we talked a bit about how hard it is to be a mamma and how hard it is to be almost 3.
I remember thinking that while I was happy with my choice to keep my pregnancy with Sephie, I had never been so pro-choice as I was when she had colic. Now that I have gone from colicky baby to easy baby to intense toddlerhood and am entering spirited childhood, I am more pro-choice than ever. This shit is not for the ambivalent.
I am not mad at my daughter for being born or for being intense. I am not mad at her because some days I do think about all the different ways I could kill myself. That is not her fault or her burden. It is the burden placed on me by abusive parents, a society that keeps me locked in a house with her by myself constantly, a society that judges every move I make, and a burden placed on me by the social pressure to remain invisible as this goes on.
Without her I was not thinking of suicide. Without her I was not wishing I could go do things that could hurt me or my life. With her I struggle to overcome those things though. With her in my life I am challenged every day to make both of our lives more rich.
I am glad I chose this path. I am not ashamed that I struggle, or that sometimes I can't cope. Some days I laugh at the irony and some days I cry. If I didn't have my daughter to protect and love forever, today I might have done myself in. If I weren't alone with my daughter, struggling to protect her and guide her, I wouldn't have wanted to. Today is a crying day for me. Perhaps tomorrow I will read this and laugh. | 
