Hosea 11

"When Israel was a child, I loved him,
and out of Egypt I called my son.
But the more i called Israel,
the further they went from me.
They sacrificed to the Baals
and they burned incense to images.
It was I who taught Ephraim to walk,
Taking them by the arms;
but they did not realize
it was I who healed them.
I led them with cords of human kindndess,
with ties of love;
I lifted the yoke from their neck
and bent down to feed them.
Will they not return to Egypt
and will not Assyria rule over them
because they refuse to repent?
Swords will flash in their cities,
will destroy the bars of their gates
and put an end to their plans.
My people are determined to turn from me.
Even if they call to the Most High,
he will by no means exalt them.
How can I give you up, Ephraim?
How can I hand you over, Israel?
How can I treat you like Admah?
How can I make you like Zeboiim?
my heart is changed within me;
all my compassion is aroused.
I will not carry out my fierce anger,
nor will i turn and devastate Ephraim.
For I am God, and not man--
the Holy One among you.
I will not come in wrath.
They will follow the Lord;
he will roar like a lion.
When he roars,
his children will come trembling from the west.
They will come trembling
like birds from Egypt,
like doves from Assyria.
I will settle them in their homes,"
declares the Lord.

Since I'm back at college, I'm back into the routine of eating whatever is around and that's usually always insanely unhealthy, greasy, fried foods. I don't want to plan to get down to 300 calories a day like I used to. I think I'm just giong to make a few rules. 1,000 calories a day. Fried/greasy food twice a week (hopefully make it to none). I've noticed that when I start out big like... only 600 calories a day and i have to exercise every day, I'll do it for a few days and everything collapses. Of course it will. even when i was full into my eating disorder, I didn't get there just as a decision. It built over time. I started out eating healthy, then watching how many calories, then making sure I only ate however many calories, and more and more things happened and eventually it was an obsession. You can't force an obsession. You can't force a disorder. So I'm going to start out small. I'm not sure if my caloric intake will lessen the longer I go if I start this with the hopes taht it will, but at least I have a reasonable goal to start out with. If it becomes another obsession and I go down to 90 pounds, I wont complain, though :)

I'm trying to figure things out. Needless to say, I'm not getting very far.

I never thought that dating an atheist would prove to be so difficult. I mean, of course I knew there would be differences and things we just wouldn't agree on, but it seems as if it's more than that. But I'm crazy about him, and he's crazy about me, and we want this to work. I will fight for this to work. It has to work.

On a slightly different note, I finally sat down and talked with Josh, my ex. We caught each other up on our lives for the most part. I don't think things will be as awkward anymore. I still cannot stand the thought of him being with another girl, though. Or even having girl friends. i know that's weird and obsessive and I'm trying to get over it, but it just bothers me. I want him to still like me. I want him to still want to be with me. I don't want to be with him, but he didn't want me to want him anymore. I never wanted him to stop wanting me, and he has, and him being with another girl is proof of that.

I'm trying to figure out God. Crazy, right? It's a hopeless endeavor, and it's not so much that I'm trying to figure Him out, but rather really figure out if he exists. I wont go into detail. it's way too complicated to merely type out, and I'm talking about it with one of my friends who is an amazing pastor/theologian. I'll get through this. It's just going to take a while. And in the meantime, I've never been so confused or felt so alone.

But I'm listening to Five Iron Frenzy, reading a book called The Samurai (for a class, mind you. It's dreadfully boring, although not nearly as boring as Wuthering Heights), and copying notes for my religion class. I intend to study for my first math class eventually, although I don't even understand it enough to sufficiently study. That's where Josh's friendship will hopefully come in to play.

have you ever had a group of friends that you could pretty much count on being there? You did everything together. It's not like you didnt' have other friends, but it was pretty much a set thing that you guys would do something together at least once a day. Go to walmart, go eat out, hang out at someone's place and watch movies or play games. It was your group. When you said, "My guys", people knew who you were talking about.
Now have you ever been disowned? Maybe something happened to cause discourse in the group, and even though amends have been made, your place in the group is no longer existent or it is being filled with other hopefuls. You are no longer invited over. You don't even know what's going on most of the time. Your group is no longer your group. You are no longer "one of the girls". You are the girl they should say hi to when you're in the same room. You are invited to do things only when you push that you would love to go hang out with someone cause you're bored. And even then, it is no longer the group hanging out. It is you hanging out with the group. And suddenly, friendship feels fake. Friendship is a lie. Love is a lie. The group and your place in it has become a lie.
Go find another group then, you say. I couldn't agree more, except for the fact that I cannot overcome the fact that I have done nothing to be disowned by this wonderful group I was so looking forward to continuing being a part of. They are my friends. We used to have things we did together. I don't understand why I have suddenly been disowned. Why should I have to go find another group when I see no reason why I am no longer a part of the one I was expecting to continue being a part of.
And so I wallow in my own self pity. "My friends don't like me anymore" the 8th grader cries.

So I just realized that the last time I updated, I was still complaining about Josh and how I was in love with him and he broke my heart...

That's ridiculous.

It's been over a month since that last entry, I've gotten on with my life, I have a new boy, I'm back at college in Indiana, and Josh and I are going to try to be friends again. 

I'm still insanely terrified of love and trusting someone, but I'm doing it. (Oh yeah, I think I'm falling in love. I'll let you know in a month or two. haha)

It's been months since I've seen you,
since I've heard your voice.
I know I fell in love too quickly,
but I fell, regardless...
and I fell hard.
You said there's little hope for us.
No doubt you're with her now.
But even as I lay here,
3 states away,
I can remember what you felt like
when your arms wrapped around me.
I'm not supposed to cry over boys.
That's not something strong women do.
Then why can't I stop?
I know you want me to forget you
just as I'm positive you have forgotten me,
but I can't erase someone I love from my mind.
You ripped out my heart
(pardon the cliche emo interjection)
so that's not a problem.
It's the memories;
the nights alone that haunt me.
Believe me, I've tried to forget you.
Why can't I forget you?!
I want to forget your voice,
your face, your hands, your scent.
I want to forget you ever existed,
but here I am..
crying and frustrated yet again
because I can feel you right here, next to me.
I thought the pain would subside by now
but it feels just as real as ever
and I miss you even more.