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| Someone reminded me that I never explained the bye-Xanga thing. I just switched back to blogspot, that's all. It's much cleaner.
To save you the trouble of finding it way back in the entries, here's a link.
http://darklighter.blogspot.com
Oh, and please disregard everything that was written on and before 2005. It was a really weird time. 
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| I'm done with xanga. Bye everyone! | | |
| The day I just spent in Gainesville makes me wonder why I don't come back as often as I ought to. Just seeing many of my friends and talking to them make me feel like there are still many people who care for me and like me for who I am......and that feels really good.  Hopefully the next two days will be just as great, if not better.
Also, I finally got a ticket to go to New York for Thanksgiving (for cheap too)! Since I won't be going back home for Christmas, it would be nice to still spend time together with my cousins, who are practically brothers to me. And a really cold Thanksgiving in an exciting city would be an interesting change for me....not that good ol' Southern Thanksgiving dinners in short sleeve shirts and sandals aren't nice either.  It would also be nice to see if New York is a good place for a possible future career or pursuing the doctorate, since I've always felt more comfortable at an urban environment....I guess I'll find out soon enough.
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| I'm awake. I shouldn't be since I felt exhausted at 9pm and went to bed thinking I would wake up fresh the next morning instead. I only wish I hadn't woken up sooner.
I had this dream, the contents of which I cannot reveal here, not because it contains scenes of explicit and adult situations, parental discretion ad-......er, right. Anyway, it's not about that. I can't reveal anything because it has really private things that I can't tell anyone: suffice to say, it portrayed an alternate reality where I was living in a situation at my present age that I would be...I guess happier about. It wasn't even something unrealistic where I've been recognized for numerous achievements or sitting on heaps of money. It could have be attainable given the right situations, which made it all the more emotional. If only my actual real life would be like that!
And on that note, my head is spinning at this moment, which means I should try the sleep thing again.
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| I don't know if it's a good or bad thing to have second thoughts about a job. Last Wednesday, I was minutes away from telling my boss that our arrangement is not working out. Literally minutes. That's how much assertion I had about quitting, or so I thought.
There are a lot of things at work that cannot be more perfect. I work in a research institute under a professor that reflects much prestige within the field. My officemates are some of the nicest and friendliest people I've ever met. The office space is the absolute opposite of a cramped-up office cubicle that I was expecting. There's free food and beverages. Flexible lunch breaks. No pressure. No work.
Unfortunately, it's the "no work" portion that has gotten to me. You can laugh in my face and say you're stupid for complaining about not having work. I don't care. As much as anyone may prefer being able to earn money for being idle at the office most of the time, I had different expectations coming in. I assumed that the position I took will challenge me in ways education did not, by going into and beyond what I've learned the past two years and translate it into a heavy workload that provides me with invaluable experience. If there was overtime, I wouldn't mind. I just wanted to learn more and be more prepared for a good career in the future. Although they are important parts of the research process, I shouldn't be spending more work time stuffing folders and making copies then doing something more stimulating to the brain. I certainly did not get my master's degree in health education just to master the art of stapling health education materials.
So I waited. I was optimistic during the last week of July when I first started. I thought to myself: the work will come, and all this waiting will be worth it. Then came August. And September. Now October. Nothing. I have done nothing that used any knowledge of what I have to offer. I'm not trying to be haughty and say my ideas can single-handedly change the direction of what we do or what the field does as a whole. During the past few months, however, I have come to discover that most of what I am capable of doing, drawing up, and brainstorming will not be of use under this environment. It's very discouraging. At one point, I even started pondering if I'm even a fit for this field, and if my personal culture matches those of this profession.
There's a common belief from the everyman that the first job is never what one wants it to be, which pretty much translates into don't expect too much from it. I refuse to believe that I should conform to that belief, even to this day when I'm experiencing the same situation. You can say my expectations are too high for thinking that my first job would be personally fulfilling, and I will patiently listen, pretend to think about it, and call bullshit on it. What's wrong with high expectations? If a person doesn't have expectations out of life, then what pray tell is the joy of living? I've taken close to 3 months on a wait-and-see approach that fell stagnant. Expectations turned to pessimism. My work ethic started to falter, along with me counting down to when I'll get off work to go home and waste my life away. I was depressed, angry, antisocial. I hit rock bottom. By last Wednesday, it was time to cut ties with this job and seek out other pastures. I was going to sit down with my professor and lay down an ultimatum: that if what I've been doing (which is a lot of nothing) is all that is expected of me and that there will not be anything more challenging, I will have to pursue other options.
Long story short, after a hour-long meeting with my professor, during which I pretty much unloaded onto him every novel idea I have about image-based interventions, stereotypes, and counter-media, I decided to stay. He basically told me what will be expected of me in the near future in terms of my position, the things I will be able to learn, and the opportunities that I will encounter. Looking back now, I have a feeling he knew that I was frustrated with my work or lack thereof (I may have slipped him a couple of hints during a recent conference). What he said put me somewhat at ease, which then translated into my decision to give this a couple more months until time for another reevaluation. I mean, when I think about it, if I had quit, chances are I'll have to become a wellness coach for a period of time, which for sure pays more, but.......ugh, that's just boring to me. I do research. I love looking and finding trends in quantitative data and complement them with professional interpretations. I'm an innovator. This is what excites me. Oh, and in two weeks I'll be learning how to do structural equation modeling, identifying mediators and moderators, learn SAS and SUDAAN on my own..........by the way, this is where the nerd in me explodes and, subsequently, where you can yawn. Come on, I won't blame you. I'd yawn too.
Work has become way more interesting ever since: the following Friday morning when I arrived work, there were two giant boxes of journal articles waiting for me to peruse and reorganize. I was caught off guard for a couple seconds, then proceeded to complain to some coworkers about how giant those two stacks looked and how it will consume my weekend and beyond. Deep down inside, however, my heart with filled to the brim with anticipation. And as I looked through all these articles that my professor and previous staff members have compiled, I can't help but marvel how they all tie into this brand new concept I've been thinking of.........oh, nevermind. I wouldn't want to bore anyone with my crazy ideas. But somehow amidst this new wave of excitement, with all these journal articles now scattered all over my living room floor, organized (Note: messed up) in a way only I can understand, I thought to myself:
My time is now.
Oh, and as a side note, a third box was at my desk when I came into work this morning. That's when I cried foul and.....maybe actually cried a little. 
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