it's been awhile... i guess i'll start this with a quick summary of the past year:
august/september/october/start of november 2006: misguided relationship, made the wrong decision when i had two guys to choose from, made the wrong choice and ended up with an overemotional, weak, clingy, loser with a severe gambling problem. doing massive dosages of pure dxm powder (up to 1500 mg daily), among other substances- this drove me to the edge of sanity, and the stress of having to pretend to feel love when i couldn't even feel my heart eventually pushed me off.
end of november: had a major psychotic break. altercation with family involving a 12 inch hunting knife, ended with me demolishing a steel door and my dad drivng me to a hospital and literally dumping me out of the van and driving off, telling me not to come back home until i got help. being insane at the moment, i ran off into the surrounding wooded area and hid from some people on the premises with flashlights, my delusional mind telling me they were hunting for me. i had some obscure notion that i was a lion and humans were the enemy. i evaded capture by climbing trees, crawling on my belly through mud and leaves, etc, and eventually made it to the streets where i stayed about a week, sleeping in this empty factory/warehouse place i found in a desolate part of philly. a lot of other things happened that week but this is merely a summary. it was pretty cool and exciting at first. until sanity began to break through the mental fog and i realized i had a family to get back to. i went home only to find restraining order papers, which threw me right back into a psychotic rage. broke through the window, attacked my mom, she called the cops and smashed up my stereo (my most prized possession at that time), hitting me in the knee with the hammer in the process, cops carted me off to the hospital, where i stayed a week.
december 2006: on account of my outstanding ability to lie convincingly, i got released after only a week in the psych ward. however i'd been so focused on escaping there that i didn't take into account that i had no place to escape to, thanks to the restraining order and paranoia of pretty much my whole family. i guess i can't blame them for that but i can blame my dad for setting me up to be arrested- he told my mom to have the police waiting, after which he drove me to the house so i could "get some things" to make living on the street easier. yup, he seriously was condoning a life of homelessness, poverty, and in all likelihood, prostitution, for his own daughter. but this is the same guy who pulled a gun on me when i was 16 so it's not that surprising to me anymore. anyway, long story short, i drank almost a whole fifth of vodka he had bought for me, then when he locked me out of the van and nobody'd let me in the house, of course i ended up breaking through the front window. i'm not trying to put the responsibility on somebody else here, but it was below freezing outside, i had only a thin long sleeved tee and jeans on, just chugged a bottle of vodka, and had nowhere to go. once inside, cops showed up within minutes, one cop yelling in my face like a drill seargeant telling me that i was, among other things, just being "an ASS!" and that she had no pity for "crazy jackass drug addicted punks" like myself, while i tryed to refrain from either laughing in and/or vomiting on her face. one cop simply shook his head and said "this is getting to be a habit with you, isn't it?" i recognized him and a few others from previous incidents such as the lead pipe standoff of 2006. i said in the most sincere tone i could muster that i just wanted to go back to the hospital, but miss drill seargeant informed me that i wasn't "getting off that easy this time." i spent a month in prison on a list of over a dozen charges ranging from contempt to criminal mischief to aggravated assault and possession of an 'instrument of crime.' wtf do they mean by instrument of crime, anyway?
january 2007: after pleading and asking nicely for a month for my parents to post bail didn't work, i moved on to threats of arson and physical harm whenever i finally did get released by the system. i don't know if that helped my case or not, but they finally did post bail on new years' day. i was still in exile though so my dad put me in a motel until he could no longer afford it, then convinced me to give this rehab house a try. i stayed there a few days, then called him up and essentially told him he could shove this rehab crap up his ass, and either find me somewhere else to stay, or expect to see me on his doorstep again. he took me all over philly until we found kirkbride center. for the first time in my life, i had to lie to stay in a psych ward, the irony of which was not lost on me.
middle of february: wore out my welcome at the psych ward- i believe some of the staff were catching on that i wasn't quite as disturbed as i wanted them to think i was, and when they called the number i put on my paperwork i'm sure whoever picked up at my parents' house informed them that i wasn't welcome there. the doctor that worked with me came right out and called me on my bullshit, saying basically that i seemed like an intelligent person trying to play dumb and exploit the system. i guess the look on my face gave me away, because within a week i was released. at least he helped me out by talking with my mom and convincing her that i wasn't the violent maniac she may have expected me to be, and also convincing her to give me another chance.
march 2007: check email at public library, find an email from the other guy i had considered back in august 2006, end up trading numbers and talking on the phone. this is a landmark event that only seems important in retrospect.
april/may 2007: one relationship disintegrates as another shows potential, i come to a slow realization that i may have made the wrong choice. i notice emotions emerging where only apathy once resided, and come to realize the startling fact that i may still have a heart after all. by the middle of may i'm fully convinced, and kick the life-draining emotional leech to the curb, hoping that the constant obsessive compulsive phone calls and letters and unexpected (unsolicited) visits will stop shortly thereafter.
june through november 2007: each day adds conviction that i finally made the right choice. each day also brings new and stronger emotions, and as time goes by the wounds of the past heal in ways i thought they never would. i evolve and gain strength, though in spite of every instinct telling me it's safe, i hold myself back a little since i've learned from experience that when something seems too good to be true, it usually is.
december 2007: i start the month with something i never thought i'd have the strength, or desire, even, to do- i burn everything from past relationships. pictures, letters, anything combustible, all fed to the flames. the sense of freedom, strength, and overall positive emotions that were unleashed while i watched the flames consume all the tainted memories are indescribable. i have not since regretted it- the present renders the past meaningless anyway. i don't regret the past though, though i suffered immensely i feel it merely served to teach me and make me worthy of what i have now. on december 19th, i finally got to reap the rewards of patience, loyalty, and true love. this was the much anticipated day a man named Scott flew into philly from kansas.
...and happily ever after... or at least until my next entry... heh.
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