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| Starting OverI'm starting my fast again tomorrow or really "today" and I'm going to fast till I get back to Melbourne next Monday which is about six days so hopefully if I stick to it I'll get back into the 40's. I'm looking forward to seeing Tiger again! But I'm also sad about going back cause I don't think I'll stay away from drugs, part of me is counting down the seconds till I get to have a needle stuck in me again and the other half is dreading it...I'm not sure how Matt will take it either, he seems pretty content on not using anymore so if I go and score I wonder if/how much Matt will get angry? I don't really want to think about it :-/...
Well today was a pretty nice day even though we never went to the beach, Matt didn't really think it was warm enough and well it wasn't, not to go for a swim anyway but it would have been nice to tan a bit but by the time Matt was ready to go it was already 3:30pm and getting cold so we didn't really bother. We're going home soon and we haven't even taken any pictures or even seen the beach...:-/...oh well...
I binged so much today! I bet I've gained back all the weight that I've lost!  ...I'm too scared to weigh myself seeing I'm already "so" fucking depressed! So I guess I'll just weigh myself this Sunday or early Monday when we leave so I can quickly update one last time because when we leave I can't update anymore! Well unless I go to the Ringwood library near Eastland but I can already see myself lazing around at home like I used to so probably not...ohhh I don't want to go home! I want to stay here! But I miss Tiger too much so I have to go back and protect her  .
Debbie's boyfriend Dan has returned home from the bush and brought along a huge bag of weed! So Debbie, Dan, Matt and myself all got stoned tonight! It was just what the doctor ordered, weed is like my "home grown" antidepressant, lol XD. I haven't smoked in such a long time that by just a few puffs I was "smashed"! I ended up nodding off to sleep for aged and now I can't sleep! I've been going to be real late like 4am and getting up around 12pm which is pretty normal for me, I used to go to bed at like 3am and get up at 2pm so it's a "good" change I guess?
Anyway, getting stoned was pretty much the only high light for today, I'm looking forward to fasting, it's becoming a type of coping mechanism to my depression and Matt arguing with me but it's annoying when Matt only notices when I'm eating "a lot" but never says anything when I don't eat "at all"...I kind of like to be noted for my will power lol :P.
I'll see yas tomorrow. | | |
| EggshellsI'm back, I'll just start off were I ended my last post....
After I turned off my phone I just sat and sobbed for a while, trying to breathe and just listening to everyone's conversation. I would of killed for a large dose of heroin, $200 worth right up my right arm would of been heaven, would of numbed me "for good" thats for sure! The women I was sitting next to passed a bong to me and offered me a smoke but I refused even though it would of been great to have I just didn't feel worthy of anything, I didn't want to take anything from anyone.
Then all of a sudden dread over came me, Matt showed up "How on earth did he find me here?!" I just dug my face into my hands and hoped he'd just go away. One of the guys there almost got all "protective" of me and said, "Who's this cunt?" Very well knowing it was "the angry boyfriend." Matt said who he was and told them to look after me and then said to me that the front door will be left open and I can come back when I'm ready. Then he walked away...
I felt so confused, you see I'm very quick to forgive people...even if Matt had stomped me into the ground I still would have gone back to him, so I guess if I do get hurt it's pretty much my own fault for staying with him...I'll love him no matter what he does. So after about an hour or so I took off after thanking everyone for letting me chill there for a while. When I got home Matt was waiting in the living room, I braced myself almost expecting the fight to continue but instead he held me really tight and said he was really sorry and that he loved me. I was soaked and emotionally exhausted, so I got changed and noticed Matt had written something in the back of my diary, it was about Matt explaining that the way he acted was like he was "someone else" and that he felt really bad for his actions. I think Matt has a anger problem but maybe I shouldn't do things to make him angry like answering his questions even if it's about something I don't really "want" to talk about but sometimes even when I "do" answer a hard question he then makes me feel stupid for how I answered so in return I really don't know what to say.
I feel as though I'm walking on eggshells most of the time, when I notice that Matt seems upset I ask him, "Are you upset with me?" And then he just says, "If I was "upset" with you Mekah I'd "tell" you, you asking that "makes" me upset, do you "want" me to be upset? Do you "like" it when I'm upset?" And he says that in a scary tone too :(. Everyone boyfriend I've had after Ryan has had anger problems, Ryan never yelled at me, called me names or degraded me at all but he never took me out anywhere so eh, I don't fucking know anymore. Matt isn't Mr. Perfect but it would be nicer if he didn't explode so much when we're in an argument, if I don't want to talk about something then it should be dropped, if I start talking about something Matt doesn't want to talk about I drop the subject straight away! It's simple and saves a lot of stress! So I can't see why Matt can't do this :-/. Anyway, we made up again and hopefully, I "pray" to god that we never fight like that again, if we do I don't know what I'll do to myself...it won't be pretty that's for sure...
So for today, nothing happened...I'm not fasting anymore either...it's making me very ill. Matt has a bad cold as well but hopefully he'll be better by tomorrow, it's going to be 26 degrees! A nice warm day and I'm looking forward to going to the beach! I just hope not too many people are there, it's been ages since I've worn a bikini infront of anyone! The last time I did was when I weighed lie 45kgs, now that I weigh like 5-6kgs more I feel a little insecure :-/.
Well I'm going to go now, it's late and I'm tired.
I still haven't slept, Matt almost started "another" argument about Sara moving in with us. I've already told Sara she could and she's all happy about living with me but now I have to tell Sara that she "can't" cause Matt doesn't "trust" me. He thinks Sara and I will just go off, get speed and just tell Matt something else. He said I "always" lie to him which is totally bull-fucking-shit! It's so unfair for Matt to do this! Sara doesn't have anywhere to go! I told him, "So where does she live? In here car?!" I think Matt expects her to live in her car...or just doesn't care. He let Simon live with us! And he's a junkie that lied all the fucking time!!! The only time I "ever" lie is when I'm too scared to tell the truth due to Matt's "anger" problem -_-''.
Well, I better go break the news to the poor girl...I wish Matt treated me the way he "used" to, he used to make me feel special, safe and loved. Now most of the time he just yells at me, calls me names and makes me feel like shit! It's like its his goal everyday, to argue about pointless shit, make sure my self-confidence is lowered a little more, make sure I feel as though what ever the argument is about is completely "my" fault and of cause to make me cry! . But then once this has all been checked off, he says sorry, that it's not my fault and that he "loves" me which in return cheers me up a little and so I don't dump him.
I'm going to have a mental break down if this continues...I'll end up in a mental hospital for the rest of my life! | | |
| Torn apartLast night was just awful, I ended up cutting my left wrist 4 times cause of it...I'll have to update later on what happend when Matt isn't around or waiting for me to get ready. I'll just say for now...Matt turned into a raving monster, screaming at me, calling me names an kicking me out of the house to cry in the pouring rain! But now everything is ok...until next time? It gets worse each time, at this stage I'd "peafer" just to get my lights knocked out then have to go through the emotional tornment that his words and anger put me through
And some how I still feel as though it was all %100 my fault...
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I didn't do too much damage, just enough to numb the hurt I guess. The fight started off by Matt asking a stupid question that I didn't wont to talk about, about two months ago Matt and I had a huge fight, it was the day I over dosed actually. I stayed over at Berky's house and everyone (including) Berky says I slept with him! Which is totally untrue but I guess it does look a bit weird if everyone says I slept with him including the fuck that I "slept with". I wouldn't sleep with that dug fucked moron even if he paid me a million bucks! But last night I wouldn't say anything, I said I didn't want to talk about it but Matt kept pushing it and getting angry and more angry as I continued to ignore him. He ended up grabbing me by the shoulders and shacking me whilst yelling at me saying he was going to smash my stuff.
I ended up running outside and up the road to sit by the bay, there i cried hoping Matt couldn't find me...but he did and continued to scream at me calling me an idiot, retard, whore and then when I headed back as I was getting cold in the rain he started to push me away saying I wasn't welcome back inside! He said he was going to call the cops and that I should call my dad to send me some money so I could get back to Melbourne and stay with Berky again, he said I could then suck his cock again and sleep with him! I yelled out for Debbie to come outside but Matt just kept pushing me away, so I ended up screaming at him to go fuck himself and then walked down the road crying.
I passed two guys outside their house, they asked if I was ok in which I replied, "Of cause I'm not fucking ok!" I then stopped a couple of meters away and slummped down onto the foot path and just cried. I was all the way in Perth, I knew no one I could go to! So I go back up and said sorry to the two guys and introduced myself, I asked if I could come inside for a little bit. They let me inside and I sat down next to the guys wife, they were all pissed and stoned but at least I was out of the rain, it was pouring down...Which Matt had hoped at the time, "Go sleep in the gutter you whore! I hope it POURS down tonight!" It kept repeating in my mind.
Matt then started to call my mobile so I turned it off...
I have to go, Matt's home again...I'l update later when he isnt around
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| Day 4
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9am: Nothing 
10am: Nothing
12pm: coffee, chilled water 3 diet pills
3pm: green tea, chilled water, 1 diet pill, nap till dinner.
6pm: coffee, chilled water, 3 diet pills
8pm: sleep herbal tea, chilled water, slow stretching.
10pm: sleep herbal tea, chilled water, sleeping pill
CW: 51kgs
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I stayed up till 4am last night watching the soccer with Matt and so I woke up late which explains why I had nothing till 12pm. Another kilo lost! Woot! And I haven't even had any laxatives yet, it's weird how I've lost a kilo every day so far but I'm pretty sure the weight lose will slow down pretty soon, I'll be over the moon once I'm back into the 40s. My hunger pains have died down a lot too which is a huge relief! I don't think I could take another day of intense stomach growling! Matt has been asking me about wether I've been eating or not, I tell him I eat just he doesn't pay much attention so he just shrugs it off, he hasn't noticed any weight lose though or maybe he has but hasn't said anything?
I'm going to scoot off now, Matt and I are going for a walk to the beach! We were supposed to go to the city but we both woke up too late so we'll probably do that tomorrow, I'll be back later.
P.s, I'm only up to "3pm" just I don't know how to change it :-/
I've been a naughty girl today...I "used" again :( but so I wont do it again I took a before and after picture so I can look at them and remind myself how bad and out of it I look!
The "before" at 8:22pm
I got changed, had the stupid fucking heroin >:( at 8:26pm
And the "after" at 8:27...Yes it kicked in that fast
I paid $160 fucking dollars to have a needle stuck into my arm and look what it made me look like, I look fucked compared to the first picture. I'm so fucking angry with myself! The withdrawals were dimming down and going away and now I have to start all over again! But I'll admit, it felt good...For the first ten seconds anyway :(, I hate heroin, I HATE heroin! I FUCKING HATE HEROIN!!!! HATE IT!!!! HATE IT!!!! HATE IT!!!! HATE IT!!!! >_<
So people, if any of you are even tempted at trying it or if you're curious...Don't...It'll destroy your family, your relationships, your friendships, your whole fucking LIFE! Got it? Good!
Anyway, other then that fuck up today was pretty good. I'm still fasting and going strong, didn't really do much today. Oh and if you're wondering how I got heroin here in Perth I called Simon and asked him how he got it when he lived here and he gave me a number to call which I've destroyed so I can't call it again! So, it's late and I'm nodding off on the keyboard...Please forgive me for being a junkie :(
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| Day 3I almost ruined my fast last night when Matt asked if I was hungry, I said no but my stomach managed to give it away -_-. So Matt said he'd make me something as I was spending most of my time in bed but I told him I didn't feel well...So he never made me anything..."Phew!".
I can't believe I've lost a whole kg over night! Probably cause I never lost weight on the other fasting days. I'm just going to save this and edit a few things so for the next few minutes my blog is going to look a little crazy lol
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9am: coffee, chilled water, 3 diet pills
10am: green tea, chilled water, 1 diet pill
12pm: coffee, chilled water 3 diet pills
3pm: green tea, chilled water, 1 diet pill, nap till dinner.
6pm: coffee, chilled water, 3 diet pills
8pm: sleep herbal tea, chilled water, slow stretching.
10pm: sleep herbal tea, chilled water, sleeping pill
CW: 52kgs
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I think I might have to cut down in the diet pills, my chest is starting to hurt because of them...But my mind is telling me thats the reason to my weight loss...So if I was to stop taking them I'd just balloon into a beached whale :(.
Matt's sister Debbie once had a eating disorder...You can really tell seeing shes sooo bloody thin, oh well...Thinspo lol.
I'm back! Matt and I went for a walk to the shops and bought a few things, I asked Matt if I could get some gum but when it came to paying for it he had to take the gum out cause he couldn't afford it!! So all of a sudden I became extremely depressed, I don't know why though...It was just gum!
When we got home I slammed the shopping bags down onto the table and stomped outside, slamming the door behind me and had a smoke in the backyard. A few minutes later Matt walked out and asked if I had a lighter, so I started to search for it in my bag but it was taking Matt too long, he said, "If you keep everything in one place." I had then found it but by that time Matt had walked inside to find another one so I threw it at the back door and said, "Fine, piss off then!" I hate it how hes always saying that I should keep my stuff in the one place...It makes me feel like some kind of stupid unorganized person :(.
I then quickly went back inside and sat in my room were I started to write in my hand written diary.
After a while I then went out the front door to have a smoke, I sat on some steps with my back all hunched over, Debbie walked out to have a smoke too and asked me," Is Matt giving you a hard time?" I replied, "No, just moody." I so wanted to tell her why I was "moody" I wanted to tell her about my eating disorder and that I'm not eating and feeling really fat and depressed. I seriously feel like cutting myself...No one has noticed that I haven't been eating either...I don't think they care either. Debbie then asked if I wanted to come for a drive with Matt and her to go see his aunt but I said I'd rather just stay home and then went back inside and sat in my room were I just sobbed while watching Ophra...God I'm just such a fat loser!!
Matt and I were going to go for a walk to the beach but as much as I'd love that...I'm just too depressed.
Matt then walked in and asked what was wrong, I looked at him and he started laughing!! he said I looked "funny" I told him I wanted to be left "alone"...When he left I cried a bit, when matt said i looked "funny" I straight away thought "ugly" :(...It's like he's taking the way I feel as a total joke! I so feel like cutting, maybe then he'll see how seriously depressed I am!
I'm back for the last update for today, I seem to be having very bad mood swings...It's almost like bipolar disorder or something...I get all depressed and just want to cry my eyes out and cut but then after a couple of hours or sometimes even just a few minutes I'm all happy again! I don't even know why I get depressed half the time! I'm thinking it's either due to no heroin, lack of food, my eating disorder or the fact I haven't had my period for nearly two months...:-/. I tested myself today and no I'm not pregnant, although I did test myself late in the afternoon and you're supposed to test yourself first thing in the morning which I'll be doing tomorrow morning but I'm about %99.9 sure I'm "not" pregnant *pout* oh well :(. I don't know why I want to have a baby either O_O, like if I was to fall pregnant now it would be very bad timing as I still haven't kicked my drug habit, money wise Matt and I would be fucked and the house we live in or should I say the area we live in is no place to raise a child as heroin junkies are everywhere! But it doesn't mean I'd get rid of it of it either...I truly don't know what I'd do and I don't think the methadome I'm taking would do the baby much good either, anyway enough of babies lol. About 3 hours ago Matt and I went for a walk to get our dome and then came home as I needed to go to the toilet (very important seeing I don't go much lol) and then we set off to go have a look at the Mosman bay. The bay is beautiful at night, the lights from the city on the other side of the bay make a nice touch to the scenery.
We both sat there for a while until Matt brought up a very touchy subject which made me depressed again, he started to talk about all the debts we have due to heroin and how he'll never touch it again until all his debts are paid...But what really got to me was when he said, "It won't be hard for you to give up, you aren't addicted so you don't need it, you just won't it." I then blurted out, "How'd you know! You're not me!!" I was then moody all the way back home and then we some how started an argument about how you can't be addicted to speed which is utter bullshit and offended me because my dad was badly addicted to it for YEARS! It's just as addictive as any other hard drug wether it's heroin, ice, trips, xtc or even pot! If it wasn't addictive then 1. Why would people do crime to get it? 2. Why would women AND men sell themselves for it? And 3. Why did my dad continue to inject it for over half his fucking life? But I didn't say all this to him, I just agreed to disagree and moved away from the subject.
And so now I'm sitting here wondering if my centrelink money has come through, it normally goes in at about 12:30am in Melbourne which it would be now seeing Perth is two hours behind Melbourne but I normally always wait for my money to come in cause when it does I'm off to score! But now I cant, I won't, even though I'd love too. I have very mixed feelings for it right now, one side says "I don't want it or need it, it's a waste of money and so not worth pricking my arm for." But the other side says "Fuck I'd love a taste now, needle goes in, blood draws back and in 10 seconds you'll feel so sooo good." Heh...Fucked isn't it?
Well I'm going to end tonight's update and have a nice hot bath, I'm looking forward to going to the city tomorrow and spending my money on something worth while :). Night night people, wish me luck and pray that I wake up and have lost weight!! ^_^
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