well hmm dont really know how i ended up posting again. guess its kinda just nature when i keep wondering into thought about one thing or another. ugh, im so tired but i cant sleep. its like my body is worn out but my mind cant stop thinking. tonights gonna be a long night. so today in school i realized how much better i am at getting my work done, how i work ahead and manage to get really good grades without really making an effort, kinda makes me feel good seen as how i usually had to try really hard. i think the only thing im going to have to make a real effort to pass is english...on a count of my english teacher is ancient and really really really needs to stop the whole teaching thing while shes still behind. as for all my other classes im passing with c's and b's and a's i know i can probably bring the c's up in time for report cards. the whole snow/ice days kinda sorta threw me off. but owell... we shall see next week i think? its kinda funny, cause im talking to my little sister now, and its funny how shes the only one i really fully open up to nowadays. i mean of course ben. but i leave the parts about him out. i dont wanna pressure or make him feel uncomfortable. shes 2 years younger than me and probably one of the strongest girls i know. me and her, been through it all, and all before the age of 18. its funny how life works out. two girls, two families, best friends, and the only people either one trusts with their world. she truely is my heart. because without her. i really have no idea where id be sometimes. not as to say we dont get into sisterly fights, cause i tell her when shes being a brat and she tells me when im being a bitch. and we still hug and laugh after. id do anything for her. and its funny cause i miss her and im talking to her now. we only get to see each other once and awhile since her and her dad moved to ashburn. things at her house are hectic in the ways of prision and mine, just busy and looong. she has friends in ashburn but none who she can really count on. i guess cause we both have trust issues. and i have friends here whom i love and would do anything for. not to say i dont trust them, i just cant open up to people. i dont know why...only one persons broken me completely. and right now hes busy. i love her so much, and wish i could be there for her like RIGHT there. but i know i cant be there for everything. i just shes my babie..and i never wanna see her hurt because in our life weve had enough of that to last us a few more years...i just pray shell hold out and hold on till i can get her outta there.and i swear, i will get her out and bring her... h.o.m.e speaking of home, or rather my roomate jessica, i love her to death. i just think she needs a serious look at how good she really has it. shes living with us for $100 a month. which is pretty damn nice if you ask me. my dads only requirement was going to be her going to school which she hasnt been doing. do to her exessive party life-style and laziness. now my dads thinking about making her buy her own groceries and such seen as how she hasnt paid her rent or expensive phone bill. ugh, sometimes i wish i wasnt so nice. if she keeps this up im gonna get it for taking her in, because i begged my dad to let her stay he was edgy because of my last roomate you indeed skrewed me and my dad over. i loved kina just like i love jessie. but i cant keep letting people fuck me over. because i have enough issues with my dad without having to defend people who give me nothing to defend them with....i just wish sometimes i was a heartless bitch. as for tomorrow which starts in an hour and a half. it wouldve been my 2 year anniversary. interesting how the world works..funny how i thought we'd make it. maybe it was just hope. maybe it was love. maybe it was all those things. its funny today i was talking about him,and he may be on my mind alot but mostly just cause thats where im used to him being. if he only knew, i care so much for him and only want the best for him. true, i miss him. true, i still love him with all my heart body and soul. but you cant force something to happen and i had to realize that. i love him, probably always will. but if he wants me im right where he left me...for how long i dont know. but sooner or later..ill forget every song that makes me miss him or makes me think of a certain memory. actually thats a lie, cause i could never forget those things, because every memory with him has left a permanent indent in my brain and on my heart. something to remind me that benjamin james harvey once held my heart and i once held his. he took it back, but i let him keep mine. i just sometimes wonder what hes thinking. weather he ever thinks about me like i do him. or if he ever regrets what he chose. if theres things that stir and old memory of me or of us. or if the date tomorrow will even trigger in his brain. sometimes i laugh at how pathetic i am, missing him like i do. cause i still see him still talk to him, still hang out with him. i guess its just not the same. nor will it be. even the moments we have where hes with me, and loving and holding me like he used to. they are just that a moment in time. another blip of what used to be... maybe one day when im strong enough ill take all of me back. but till then ill watch him hold my fragile heart, watch him hold it carefully, so as not to break it. hopefully he never does... happy anniversary baby...we almost made it. wow. kay so that was alot of stuff up there in my brain. i think its time to eat and go to bed i love you all | 
