hmm...

school is almost over...

i'm happy, but

strangely, very sad

and a little disappointed...

but hopeful for the summer to come, i suppose.

Currently Reading Amazing Grace: Lives of Children and the Conscience of a Nation, The By Jonathan Kozol see related

argg!

i

am

stressed

like

whoa.

WHOA.

Currently Reading Wideacre : A Novel By Philippa Gregory see related

me & regina at 1 am.

"You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth."

...it's strange what the subconscious holds onto regardless how much you consciously want to let go. it doesn't matter what you do, what you say, what you write down in a journal for no one to see... some things just linger in your mind for the rest of your life. good things, bad things, things you've yet to classify; you know, the ones that make you squint your eyes and tilt your head a bit.

the whole idea of memory completely fascinates me to begin with... and to think some things just cannot be forgotten is even more compelling. why? why is it that certain events, people, or something someone said, are permanently engraved into a subconscious psyche

have you ever stayed up all night, or gotten up ridiculously early, just to think existentially? just to feel what it means to be alive and to breathe and to process thoughts... the fuzzy connection between the conscious and subconscious makes for beautiful self-discovery, if not insight or curiousity about the world around you.

"I wish I'd see your face below
I wish I'd hear you whispering low
But you don't live downtown no more
And everything must come and go." 

Currently Listening Sound of Melodies By Leeland see related

Sound of Melodies

sometimes i wonder if i'm going to lose it one day.

i seem pretty put together... sometimes i even convince myself! but days like today, when all i do is sit and watch a law & order SVU marathon for 8 hours and then just want to go to bed and sleep and not do anything tomorrow...i don't know. i'm worried for myself. i can feel the depression slowly seeping back in. i know it's because of stress--although i have gotten to a point of enjoying my fast-paced college-student life. but i forever hear the little girl inside me. she's crying and screaming "I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. I CANNOT DO THIS." and sometimes it's really hard to ignore her...well, me.

self-worth has plateaued. i'm at this point where i'm pretty convinced that the guy i want doesn't exist-- so i need to get used to being alone. because i won't "settle" ever again-- it's not worth it. but the ideal guy i have in my mind probably doesn't exist. and all the good guys i know are married, engaged, or unreachable. so i'm just coasting through my singleness... usually okay with it ,but sometimes REALLY getting stuck on it. i mean, it's definitely a good thing: i have way too much to do to have a relationship, and i like spending time with my friends and family, and not to mention learning more and more about myself... but there are moments that i think i could MAKE time for a relationship. at least a DATE, for crying out loud. but no, all the guys from church are married, and all the guys in the art department are either potheads or gay. (not that i have a problem with that-- i just can't DATE either of those catagories, lol).

whatever. i'm giving up on today and going to bed.

tomorrow will be better-- this i know. god's never let me down before, and i know He won't start now.

Currently Listening Try By Bebo Norman see related

i can't relax: tension is what holds me together!

as this semester closes, i am ecstatic about over a month of no classes, but even more excited about the coming of spring semester. next semester brings me 3 art classes, intro to sociology, and an english class: could my life as a student get much better? i think not. and, although it means less money, i get to take fridays off the first half of the semester, and thursday and friday off the second half. i think i can get over the decrease in funds, considering it will mean more time to do what i love: be a student.

today is beautiful. i'm so excited the sun keeps poppin' out from behind the clouds, i've finished my hardest final, and i've had time to relax. granted, i should be rewriting my paper for my final Dead Sea Scrolls class tomorrow, but i figured if i didn't take time for myself now, it wasn't going to happen today. although i'll probably be a little stressed later tonight when i have to crack down on my work, i'll be less stressed than if i would've not taken a little breather this afternoon.

anyway. life is good. a little boring... i've been praying for god to give me an adventure. mom says that's dangerous, and i'd have to agree with her, but... i'm just sick of being stuck in a rut doing the same thing everyday. god's sent a little bit of excitement my way-- but it'd be even way more exciting if it were reciprocated, if you catch my drift, haha.

well, i guess i should go get fancied up for work. and try to work off this caffeine-twitch i've got goin' on. (yes, again-- it's finals week, what do you expect of me?? hehe.)