gay porn:
every morning at work, i follow this strict protocol. the designer calls to tell me that he will be arriving in five minutes and to be waiting for him downstairs in the lobby for him. i then have to either email/call about 8-10 people, alerting them of his impending arrival. (this really is like the scene from 'devil wears prada', where people are scurrying around to make sure everything is in order). i run downstairs with $20 to pay the driver. i carry his bags into the showroom. and as he gets settled, i run to the kitchen to prepare his fruit salad (he's very specific about what fruits he likes).
it's not bad. i've got this down pat. in fact, the ppl at the deli that delivers the fruit salad to the office recognize my voice on the phone even though they've never even seen me, hahaa~
the other day, however, was a little bit...frustrating. didn't receive a phone call from him. he just breezed into the office so we're all caught offguard a bit.
designer, "where is my louis vuitton receipt?"
me, "your what? i have no idea what you're talking about."
designer, "the receipt. i returned a gift and received store credit awhile back. find me that receipt."
me (asking him silently), what are you TALKING about, you mad man!!! but aloud, "i need you to give me more details about it. do you know who you may have given that receipt to?"
designer, "oh yes. it was to another one of my past assistants. what was her name again? it was that stupid girl."
(after throwing out names of past assistants, he finally remembers which one it was. this girl was THREE assistants ago. um, when was this receipt even issued?!?!)
so off i go...scurrying around the office like a mouse on crack. i resigned to calling somebody (who was on their day off) apologizing profusely that i needed them to help me find that damn receipt.
lo and behold, that person knows exactly where it is! it's located in one of his file cabinets. sorry, his LOCKED file cabinet. thank you. i just really love it when things are made just a WEE bit more difficult for me.
anyway, after searching for his hidden keys and going through about 102938 files...i finally find the receipt [along with my sanity]. i triumphantly return to my desk with this louis vuitton receipt from...oh, January 2007. in small font, it says, "no longer valid after one year from the date issued." it's okay though. all is not lost. this happens to my designer all of the time and he somehow always gets his way at these major stores.
i think i'm done. i sit back in my chair when another coworker comes running to my desk and blurts out, "he told me to tell you that he left two magazines in the car." that's it. no other details. which magazines? no idea. what car? no idea. when? no idea.
so i go back to the designer and go, "um, so i heard you left two magazines in the car."
designer, "yes."
me, "what car are you referring to?"
designer...looking at me like i'm really slow, "the one that brought me to work today." (keep in mind, this was the day that he just came into the office without letting me know ahead of time. also, there are about 3 different types of car service that he uses).
me...again, "i'm gonna need more details."
designer, "call the car service. but if i didn't leave it there, then call the upholstery place that i went to the other day. and if it's not there, call the wessel o'connor gallery in DUMBO. i left two Elle Decor magazines and i want them."
(really? are you friggin' kidding me?)
i contact the car service. they contact the driver. no magazines.
i contact the upholsterer place. nothing.
i then google the art gallery to look for their phone number on the website. but really, i'm thinking...what are the chances that an art gallery is going to hold on to some magazines that somebody left behind?
and then what suddenly pops up on my computer screen...
why yes, this was on the HOMEPAGE of that art gallery website. (i can't even post the other picture because it depicts not 1, not 2, but 3 nude gay men in very inappropriate poses). um, EW!!!! i'm sitting at my desk, completely paralyzed when...
my coworker glances over and blurts out, "OMG, WAI MING! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, YOU PERVERT?!!!!!" 
ahahahahahahahahaha...btw, i'm totally going to be flagged down by IT. but really, i'm just doing my job! so anyway, after the initial shock wears off, i call the art gallery.
me, "hi...uh, i have a random question. if somebody were to accidentally leave two magazines at the gallery, would you keep that in your lost & found...or would you toss them?"
art gallery guy, "i imagine we would keep them for a short period of time...and then throw them out."
me, "oh perfect! i'm calling for somebody...and he thinks he may have left his two Elle Decor magazines there. is it possible for you to check?" (notice how i'm being very vague)
art gallery guy, "hmm, you wouldn't happen to be calling for Edward, are you?" (um, what! how did he know?!?!? ewww...and how many times has he gone to that exhibit?!?!? EWWW!!!)
anyway, sadly...i wasn't as victorious with the magazines as i was with the LV receipt.
but if you want to read something absolutely ridiculous, here is the short bio of the artist behind that exhibit, which was entitled "IN YOUR FACE", ahahahahaha...
"Stephens, originally from Illinois, moved to San Francisco in 1966 from Chicago. By 1967 he would print and distribute one-off magazines featuring the work of Walter Kundzicz of Champion. In 1969 he began producing hardcore gay male nude magazines (the first being Hard?), and began taking photographs of nude men to supply them. In 1973 he also founded In Touch magazine (now In Touch for Men). After being prosecuted in Texas for obscenity, he pled guilty, was fined, and received a one year suspended sentence. The judge waived the fine because Masters told him he was putting a child through college, but he did not reveal that the college-age student was also his gay lover. He would also work for Catalina and founded Studio 2000 in 1992 (later sold to Falcon) before retiring in 2006."
________
ahhhhhhhhh, i can't wait till this job is OVAHHHH! april 18th...counting down the days 
| 
it
was a wonderful, though fleeting, moment of freedom. now i spend my
days looking at only-God-knows-how-many flight search engines, visa applications, etc. forget
the driver's license...it's not happening :( 
hahaa, not to
worry. i assured julie and jennii that i'd use my [limited/nonexistent] knowledge of the constellations to guide us 
congee?
)
