walkinthelight17's Xanga

Growin' Up

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 01:04:21 GMT

While sitting in our living room this past December we (my siblings and I) were discussing the fact that I was going to be turning 24 within the next week. My Dad remarked “Wow, Steph! You’re almost grown up!”

I’ve been thinking about that statement for the past couple of months and realizing that I am practically grown up. I did the whole college thing, got my degree and have been working at my full time job for ten months now, and I’m a little scared.

I guess I never realized being grown up would be like this. I sit and look at other grown ups with their vast years of experience being in a grown up state, and it scares me. I see stressed out, tired out, worn down, and sad people. It makes me wonder where the joys of childhood went. I know some of this is due to the affects of our sin nature, but it still amazes me how unhappy some Christians are.

I remember as a child being awe struck at so many things, learning and understanding how things work together. How numbers are added, how you mix colors together and make more colors. As we gradually grow more independent the joys and wonders slowly fade. So slowly in fact, that we don’t notice it until as adults we venture back into the world we once lived and see how children are. Often we look back with contempt and wonder how people could be so silly (I’ve done this on many occasions, sadly), dumb and sometimes seemingly insensitive towards others feelings they are. And we scorn them because we understand as adults the things that as children were mysteries, things that could not be explained so they were wonderful.

I remember as a child sharing a room with my sister and one Sunday morning late in the fall my mom came into our room and said “Girls, look out the window!!” and she opened our bedroom shade and we looked out and it had snowed! The very first snowfall that fall. It was amazing. I don’t remember what year that was but the joy my sister and I felt from that first snowfall was unforgettable.

It is amazing how our reaction to the first snowfall (and the many subsequent snowfalls after it) changes as an adult. To us it means we’ll have to clean off the car before work, which means getting up early, which also means not getting as much sleep. It means slippery roads and trying to remember not only do we have to get up earlier to clean off the car but we have to get up even early so we can leave early so we can be on time for work. Then and to make matters worse we freeze cleaning off the car and freeze driving to work, until the car warms up and begins spewing out warm air.

I tire of people saying how much they dislike winter. Last winter I had the privileged (at the time I won’t have called it that… in fact I hated it) to work in the check in barn at Pepsi. Two garage doors went up and down all day as trucks pulled in and I checked the inventory on them. During the coldest part of the winter it was below freezing in that barn.

God used that experience to teach me a valuable lesson. Sometimes you need to put on 2 pairs of long johns, two pairs of pants, four shirts, a vest, a coat, a hat, a scarf, 3 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of gloves and shoe goo yours shoes and grit your teeth and see what you can learn.

I walked out of that experience having regained my wonder and enjoyment for winter. I really came to enjoy it. There is a stillness in winter that you don’t get with any other season, a harshness that creates something beautiful. The coldness that means the dying of something old but also the opportunity to save energy and bust forth with something totally new when the freezing temperatures are over. There wouldn’t be the wonders of spring without the harshness of winter. And then there is always the joy of shedding most of those clothes and feeling lighter and not as clumsy.

As I continue to grow up, and mature (hopefullyJ), I don’t want to lose that wonder I had as a child, that enjoyment and that amazement. Yes, things lose their mystery as we grow older but they are still amazing because God created them for his glory.

David says in Psalm 51:12 “Restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with your willing spirit.” (ESV)

He is asking God to remind him of the joy that salvation brings to us. As Christians it isn’t something new, we should already know this joy but we forget. I think that this isn’t because God isn’t reminding us of this joy, I think because it is because we choose not to take the joy he offers us.

God holds his joy out to us and we choose not to take it. We stand there and look at it. Joy that is free to us, costing us nothing and we shake our heads, and stare at it wondering what it is and if we really want it. And we choose not to take it. It is really sad. God is willing to give it to us, but we think we know better and we are content to stand there in our stress, in our tiredness, and in our utter exustion and refuse what he holds out to us.

We choose to live in our bitterness, our unhappy state. We choose not to be content. We aren’t happy with what we are doing. Saying, “This isn’t what I had planned, this isn’t want I wanted.” “I didn’t want to be doing……, I wanted to be……”, “I didn’t want to be in (a place or city), and I wanted to be in (another place or city).

Paul says in Philippians 4:12, “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well feed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” (NIV)

I think we can call say we live on the plenty side of things. But my point is that Paul says he has found the SECRET of being content. It is a secret. Not everyone knows. Sadly I can’t believe how many Christian people haven’t discovered the secret. It isn’t like you have to search hard and long to find yet. Yet we ignore it. We choose not to be content. All we need is God, Christ crucified for us. Not in God plus……. Just simply in him. Then you will have found the secret to contentment.

I don’t want to lose that awe and wonder that contentment to be amazed at God’s creation. That joy of being a child.

I still want to walk out the door in the morning on my way to work and breath a deep breath of fresh and just be happy cause it is a new day and wonder what I might learn, and be amazed that the sun is coming up again and that the air is, whatever temperature it is, and that it smells the way it does. Even though deep down I would rather be in my bed still sleeping.

I want to get to work and walking in the door and smell the smells and be excited to see what happens as the day unfolds, even if my boss is in a bad mood or even if anything goes wrong.

I want to get in my car and drive home and be so so excited to pull in the driveway and see if I beat my Dad home and say “Hi guys” when I walk in the door and see what is for dinner and just be happy cause there is dinner and because I have a family to come home to and that I have a home.

If you would have told me a year and a half ago that I would be 24, still paying off college debt and living with my parents I would have scoffed in your face and said whatever. I wanted something different. I wanted to be living in my only place somewhere else doing something that would earn me recognition as a person. I thought I deserved what I wanted.

Now looking back, I don’t care what I desired back then, I don’t care that those dreams I had then stand unfulfilled. Quite frankly I stand discussed with the person I use to be. That person was unhappy living so much for the next day that that she couldn’t see and enjoy what she had at that moment. She made plans for years to come and but was too busy to enjoy what she held in her hand already.

I look forward to the rest of my life because God has taught me that if I still live in my parent’s basement 20 years from now that, that is enough for me. If I never marry and have kids of my own, or never do another thing that the world would consider amazing, if I never travel to far off places or see or do all the things I’d like to do that is ok because in the end it doesn’t matter.

Dreams change, people change, contentment is taking the dreams God has for your life, no matter how big or how small and embracing them as your own, because God’s plans for your life are better than anything you could ever have come up with for yourself.

I hope I never lose that wonder, and that joy I had as a child. I hope I never lose the contentment I’ve found in Christ in the last year.

I sometimes wonder if the reason God doesn’t give us some of the things we desire (other than them not being good for us) is because he sees that we aren’t happy and content with what he has given us. If I gave someone something amazing, and they weren’t happy with it I don’t think that I’d be very inclined to give them anything else.

Answer to Prayer

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 23:26:29 GMT

As many of you know I asked pray recently for some job opportunities. God has answered in an amazing way. I feel so unworthy of the way he has provided. When I really think about it I’m moved to tears.

Over the past week I’ve had several job opportunities come up. The one I felt most lead to follow would have involved quitting one of my jobs and taking a pay cut, as well as being away from my family 5 days of the week and also missing out on an opportunity to go on a missions trip to Mexico through one of my jobs.

I heard an awesome sermon this weekend. The pastor talked about being where God can use you. Having a right relationship with God and being willing to give up whatever it takes and just follow God. He talked about Abraham and how God called him to leave his extended family and go to the land God would show him. He also talked about how God called Abraham to sacrifice his son.

I was really convicted. When I think about taking a different job it appeals to me. The adventure appeals to me. But when I really think about it, I don’t want to leave my family. I don’t want to give up the things I enjoy (not that they are all bad, some of them are very good), but I need to be willing to lay everything down, family, money, possession, a sense of belong, and go where ever he sends me.

I finally got to that point. I feel like I might have been at a similar place to where Abraham was when he was ready to sacrifice his son. I can’t sit here and worry about what money I make, what my long term goals are I need to let it go and say “God, take me… all that I am… all that I ever hope to be and just use me… where ever you want me…. However you want….”

I want to a person that can say that… and mean it …

I received a phone call today. Upon calling the person back they had an even better offer to the one previous extended to me. The one I was willing to take if that was what God desired to me.

Amazingly, this offer will means I won’t have to quit one of my jobs, will actually give me more hours at one of my jobs doing what I love doing and I’ll still be able to be home with my family as well as going on the missions trip with my one job (if I’m accepted).

I feel unworthy and totally amazed in how God works. I’m amazed at how the more I let go of the dreams that I have, how God takes them, turns them around and fulfills them and makes them even more than I ever thought thay could be.

I asked for wisdom and direction and I got way more than I asked for… in a good way.

Thanks for all your encouragement and prayers. All praise and glory be to God for all the things he has done is and doing.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 01:46:29 GMT

I'm scared of...

When people ask you what you are scared of, what comes to mind?? Spiders, death, cockroaches… I usually can’t think anything. I’m just not scared. But then I thought that I must be scared of something. There has got to be at least one thing I’m scared of. So I’ve been thinking on this for a bit (I know this is hard for some of you to imagine… a blonde thinking… deep thoughts… lol)

The first thing I’m sacred of, the most sacred of, has is my long term goal. I am fairly certain, that I am called by God, to work as a missionary. I’m not exactly sure what this is going to look like long term, if I am called to work on the business / organization side of things or if I am called to go live in another country. Never the less, I know that I will know, what I need to know, when I need to know it. I may not have all the answers now (and this is hard for some people) but I know that God will give me the answers and direction when I need them and it may not be that much in advance. Someone once said that God is always on time but seldom early.

Having said all this, my first and biggest fear is that I will get so caught up in the things I have, and the activities I do, that I will forget this and live as the world does, spending money on things I don’t need and going places I don’t have to go. Not that all that is bad, but there is a point were all this is rather sickening.

For example I have just started a job that has been a dream of mine for some time. Something I’ve felt passionate about for a long time, but I wasn’t really sure how to purse such an idea. A good friend of my family’s, told me about this opportunity and I applied and was accepted. I am so thrilled by this and so bless that God would choose and allow me to be used in such a way, that it brings me to tears. It is a dream that I believe God placed there for a reason and he is fulfilling this dream and it amazing.

I am however, still afraid that I will get distracted by the carrying out of this dream, that I will forget what I am called to do. Yes, I know that I will love working at this new place. I’m afraid that I will love it so much, that I will be content and stay there.

We think that just because something is a good, that we should be content with it. We tend to be content were we are in our walk with God, and discontent in our possessions and pay. Where in reality it should be the opposite. We should not be content with our walk with God, we should always be striving to know him, love him and desire him more, and we should be content with what we have. It is so easy to be distracted by the world and want more. I’m afraid that I will get distracted by the things, of this world and not carry out what God has called me to do.

Along this same line, I am afraid that I will let other people distract me from this. People say get a little more experience in your field, save some money, get a new car, build your retirement fund, gain some capital, spend more time doing this or that. This is not wrong in and of it self, but if this is not what God is calling us to do then it is wrong. I am afraid that I will let everyone else determine what God is calling me to do. I am afraid that rather than listening to God I will listen to those around me. Not that God can’t use others but ultimately we must listen to God.

Just listening to God is hard. Not saying that you should completely tune out others, that would be wrong, but I think sometimes we tend to listen to those whose voices we can hear rather than genuinely seeking God. We let others drowned out God’s voice. It seems we think that what other people think is more important than what our creator commands.

Others have a hard time understanding that we may be called to give up the “comforts” and go live “uncomfortably” were God has called us to live. To give up what we have deemed security and safety. When in reality living outside of God’s will is the most uncomfortable you can be, and you never truly safe or secure anyway. I heard a gentleman speak this past weekend and he said that “Until you are willing to be shipwrecked, your faith can never be what it should be.” You won’t really truly see God’s power unless you are willing to live in total abandonment to him to be shipwrecked if you will. I’m sick of people holding back when God tells them to do something. Yes, there are sometimes things you must do first. Especially, if you have committed to doing them, (for example me paying off my debt), but there comes a point when you’re just making excuses (like Moses did in Exodus). Why is so hard for me to step out in faith?? Why do I have to examine ever angle and sit there and go “Well, God I’m not so sure about this…. I mean after I start and finish step number one what is step number two??”

Genesis 12:1 “The Lord said to Abram, “Leave your country, your people and your Father’s household and go to the land I will show you.”” (NIV)

Genesis 12:4 “So Abram left, as the Lord had told him…” (NIV)

Just like that, God tells him and he goes. He didn’t know where he was going, and you don’t see him making any excuses. We want to know the whole story before it starts, but in the end that would ruin it wouldn’t it?? If you know the ending do you even pick up the book and read it anyway?? In most cases I think the answer is no.

So yes, I’m afraid that I will love my life, right now, as it is, too much and I won’t want to see what is next, and I’m afraid that I will seek to purse my desires and / or other people’s desires for my life over God’s plan for my life.

I attended the chapel service at the juvenile home this week as I always do. As hard for it is for some people to imagine, every week I struggle with going. The flesh side of my self doesn’t want to, really doesn’t want to, but I go anyway. And I’m always blessed by the message and God always gives me his love for the kids there. Actually getting there is always hard; there is a real inward struggle. I don’t want to go… be away from what I want to do, to be outside my comfort zone (even though I’m not really uncomfortable there.) But I go anyway and I’m always glad I go once I get there and am inside but up until the point were I ring the bell and they let me in I always want to turn around and just go any where else.

This week the message was good… (It usually is). The gentleman who spoke was speaking in regards to a question one of the kids had asked several months ago. The question was “Do people who have never heard about God go to hell when they die??” This has always been a tough question for me. I was never really sure what to think. I know that you can’t go to heaven without confessing belief in God and really living like you believe in him and all he has done for you, but the other side of me says this is not fair.

The gentleman who spoke referenced the following passage:

Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raise him from the dead, you will be saved.” (NIV)

If you don’t confess you can’t be save. If people don’t know who God is and what he has done they can’t confess. I read a little further and found:

Romans 10:15 “How, then can they call on the one they have not believed? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can they preach unless they are sent?” (NIV)

As the gentleman pointed out in the chapel service if people can go to heaven without confessing, believing and living like they believe in God why would we even bother sending out missionaries and in fact why doesn’t God just come back now??

I’m sitting there in the chapel service totally thrilled about this new opportunity and the fulfillment of a dream that God placed in me and I’m thinking about a million tribes all over the earth (particularly those in Mexico) that have never heard about what God has done. Realizing that if they haven’t heard then they can’t confess and if they haven’t confessed they will not be saved. I was like “Wow.”

I’ve read both of the following passages of scripture about a million times and I saw them this time, in a new light. I could think of particular people, that I know, that haven’t gotten an opportunity to really hear about God enough to understand his greatness. And they haven’t heard because people haven’t told them yet.

Because I am too stubborn to just do what God tells me, without making excuses, people are going to hell, because I are sitting here in my comfortable room making excuses and second guessing God. Some people may just spend life in eternal separation from Gods grace, because I can’t step out in faith and obey him, simply because I don’t feel I can trust him with the outcome of this step of faith. I do not have the power to make them decide one way or the other what they believe (God is the only one who can change hearts) but if God calls me to go tell them and I don’t… I will be held accountable for my disobedience.

I know that God calls us to do many things, in many places and that God is fulfilling the dream I had that I believe is something he gave me. I also realized tonight that telling people about God (that have never heard about him before) is very important. Probably one of the most important things you can do besides obeying God. God can use us to fulfill Romans 10:15.

I have a passion for people my age and younger who are hurting and want to see God and understand God in this life right now as it pertains to them and I also have a passion for those who have never even heard about God.

And I’m faced with a choice… which one is more important? I think the answer to that question depends solely on God’s will for your life. For me I believe it is telling people that have never heard about God or whose contact with true believers is very limited or non existent, someone who can’t walk a mile or two and find a church.

I have a heart for both, and figuring out which one is the right one for me has been a real process. A process that has created a lot of pain and discomfort in my life, but it has also created something totally amazing, something that only God could design. It has been a process of letting go of dreams I had, and God replacing them with deep burning desires for things that I myself could never want, but because of God grace in my life I desire them more than any of the dreams I ever had.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 00:43:03 GMT

Excuses

One of my least favorite phrases that my Dad said frequently to me as a kid was, “I don’t want to hear your excuses”. Oh, how I hated that sentence. It made me feel that I wasn’t valued and that he didn’t care about me. Never mind the fact that it usually came after my Dad had discovered that I hadn’t done something that I was suppose to, or that I did something I wasn’t suppose to do. It didn’t matter; I still hated that sentence when I was young.

Looking back now I realize how right he was and how I was wrong. All my Dad wanted me to do was to obey him, and when I didn’t he certainly wasn’t interested in my excuses, it didn’t change the fact that I had still disobeyed him. In fact, it made it worse because it showed him that I didn’t feel that I was wrong, that I didn’t feel that I had disobeyed him. All he wanted was my obedience and not only could I not obey but I sinned even more by trying to justify my disobedience.

Now that I am so much older and wiser (ha ha), I find myself in the same place as my Dad did when I was a child. People’s excuses for not doing things quite frankly disgust me. My excuses for things disgust me, and yet I still make them. While some excuses are quite valid many are not. Yes, things happen, more important things come up. I understand this.

More recently I’ve found that when I disobey or let someone down, it is goes a lot better for me if I just admit I’m wrong rather than making excuses. The lecture that usually follows is not as long if you just admit you are wrong and say you will do whatever it is you didn’t do, or that you won’t do something you weren’t suppose to do, again. It is a very hard thing to do and I admit I have not yet mastered it. Saying your sorry and meaning it also goes a long way. Asking God to give you with genuine repentance even when you still feel rebellious is an excellent thing to do. Outward submission is not submission if the inside isn’t right, too.

Back to excuses.

I say I can’t love that person, can’t care about her or treat her with the respect she deserves. I can love a million other people, people that are in the juvenile home, people that are homeless, people with strange clothes, or odd colored hair, people that smell like body odor, people that don’t respect me, people that treat me wrong, that take advantage of me. I can love all those people, that many other people have trouble loving. I can love them, but I can’t love that one person that annoys me. I can’t love this person because I don’t want to. I am so wrong, God calls me to love as he has loved therefore any excuse I can come up with is not valid.

People say they can’t help it, something happened in their past that makes them the way they are. Afraid. Unwilling to step out and take a chance. Not willing to trust God with the results. Not only does this belittle the power of God but it also keeps us from truly seeing how awesome he is and leaves us in bondage. I can’t change because of my past. God isn’t powerful enough over come my past. It is so sad. We let Satan use things in our past to keep them from experiencing all the wonderful things God has for us, and all the things he wants to use us for.

A week or so ago I had the opportunity to hear a missionary friend of mine speak. He said, “If God wakes you in the middle of the night and you feel called to pray for someone and you do not, God will wake up someone else to pray for them. But you will be held accountable for your actions.”

This made me think. If God calls me to do something and I don’t do it, I will be held accountable for it and I really doubt I’ll be making excuses then, and if even I was God would say “I don’t want to hear your excuse.”

If God calls us to start a project, take a job, give food to a homeless person, step outside our comfort zone, or give up an area of our lives that we have been holding back, and be don’t because we don’t know how long we’ll be around to work on the project or if we will ever finish it. Or don’t know how long will be in that job, or we might actually have to talk to a homeless person and people will think we are crazy, or we might have to change something that will upset our perfectly structured, controlled lives. Or even worse we might not be able to by that new outfit or it would put our bank account down to a balance that makes us uncomfortable we are making excuses. We are disobeying.

God says he doesn’t want to hear our excuses. All he wants from us is our obedience. He wants us to step out in faith and trust him with the results so that his true power and glory can be shown, so that our weakness can be made perfect in his strength. Anytime we willing disobey we are mocking God, we making him to be less than what he really is. We are being rebellious children that deserve nothing less than a good spanking.

The question is: Am I willing to stop making excuses??? Am I willing to give up the things that are holding me back and live a life in full abandonment to God??? Am I willing to admit I am wrong and just obey him???

Monday, September 17, 2007

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 23:47:44 GMT

Thoughts on being single...

This post was originally written in response to a note my friend Sam wrote… it was first posted on facebook but in order to remain consistent in my postings… it is now posted every where… it has also been edited several times as I’ve been thinking more on this subject… every time I reread it more thoughts seem to come…

So here it is…

(this was suppose to be a comment on Sam's note... but it was too long by 1700 characters so... I guess I just wrote a note)

Sam... I was thinking... a deep thought... lol... being single is something we might never be again after we get married... I mean you could be when you're older... and your spouse dies (which will be just totally sad)...

I enjoy my freedom being a single person... I don't have to worry about if the other person is happy or what I'm doing that might bother them... or do I spend enough with them... or too much time... the list goes on forever...

Plus, this is the one time your life when you can focus totally on God and you don't have the distraction of a significant other... I'm praying right now that God would instill in me the feelings for him that I hope to have for my future husband someday... I'm praying that God will give me a deep burning love and passion for him... I think if I had a significant other right now I would be distracted from this... I think it is quite possible to have stronger feelings for our significant other than we do for God... not to mention we are prone to think about that special person and spend more time with them than we do with God...

Right now God is your lover (he should always be) this is a new concept for me... it is strange to think that God has a deep deep passion for us... it totally amazes me.... I can't wrap my mind around this concept... I feel undeserving of this passion he has for me... and that is what makes it so amazing...

Right now I can focus on developing good habits that I might not have time, this discipline or the energy to develop later... I have more time to devote to intimate fellowship with God...

After you have a girlfriend you just won't have as much time for this... it should still be your first priority but you will be distracted from it...

Don't get the idea that I am 100% doing fine in this area... cause I'm not... and it is hard... I try when other couples are together and I'm alone... to remember God is there... he loves me more than that couple loves each other... I pray that I can enjoy his company like that couple is enjoying each others company...

When someone talks about their significant other... I think of God... my lover... I ask for his grace in dealing with it... it is so so hard to hear someone talk over and over again about the special person in their life... but in reality God should be the most special person in our life…

I mean wouldn't be awesome if we could think about God in the same manner that a boyfriend thinks about his girlfriend??? or talk about God the way couples talk about each other???

I'm far from this... so so very far... and I pray that I would have the deep passion for God now... that I hope I will have my husband someday... I think the reason I'm single now if so that I can focus on developing that passion for God... instead of someone else... if I don't have a deep passion for God now I think that after I have a special someone there is a strong possibility that I will never develop a strong passion for God... or that it wouldn’t be as strong as it could be…

This doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be married sometime… I’m happy that God has given me this opportunity to serve him as a single person and to be able to focus on him…

It is easy for other people to influence you to make the choices that they want you to make and this sometime distracts us from following what God would have us do… I’m sure that many times they don’t mean to be a distraction… but when you care deeply for someone sometime you are more prone to listen to them than you are to listen to God…

This ended up being longer than I wanted... but it was good... I needed to write it for me as much as I hope it helps you...

I may post more on this subject as I think about it more…

I got a book called they were single too and I'll let you read it when I done with it...

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 01:01:12 GMT

What does summer mean to you??

When you look back at a typical summer in your past what do you think of?? Does it mean more vacations?? Just good weather and you still have to work?? Does it mean a sense of freedom?? Does it make you relax?? Does it mean a break from school and only having to work and not balance work and school?? Does it mean more time to hang out with friends??

When you look back a typical summer in your past did you grow in Christ??

I remember being in high school and the warning that was always given to us as we left school in the spring… the warning not stop growing in Christ during the summer. I always said that I would keep growing and stay strong… ironically I can’t think of a single summer where I didn’t slip backwards in my spiritual life.

Looking back summer was a time where I could get away with more… there were less rules and it meant a certain freedom. Because of this it meant the tendency towards certain self destructive acts. I certainly abused my freedom.

The beginning of this summer started out with a choice… was I going to continue on in my typical summer pattern??

The summer started off on the wrong foot… but God used this for good. I fell flat on my face in front of a Holy God… and cried out for help. God answered in a powerful way.

I wondered how he could still love me after the things I’ve done. Yes I know I’m a Christian but how could he still love me after I have been anything but honoring to him??

He reminded me of his unfailing love for me… a love that is not based on what I have done or will do but a love that is based on his deep burning passion for me… when ever I get a glimpse of the undying love he has for me it brings me to tears. The only thing I can do is say thank you and worship him.

Because God has given me the passion to live this summer to please him I have learned so much. Here is one of the things I’ve learned:

I am a single female. I think pretty much all my female friends are either married or dating someone. I am a pretty content person generally but living in a world that tells me that I should be dating someone is not easy. Everything comes in twos. Even though I generally don’t really desire to have a relationship (not that I would mind though), I see those around me with their husbands (wives) or boyfriend (girlfriend) and want one.

About 3 months ago I started a new job (I thank God so much for this job he knew I needed it) and I picked up the book “And she lived happily ever after”. God has used this book to teach me a lot.

“Our goal is to find contentment in God alone. If we learn to wait on him rather than the perfect husband (or wife), we’ll experience contentment much sooner…. How we view our singleness hinges on how completely we give our plans and ambitions and desires into God’s hands.”

This summer I’ve come to value my life as a single person in a much much deeper way. I’m still surrounded by groups of twos but instead of being annoyed I just pray to my Father in Heaven asking for a deeper knowledge of him and praying that I would find my satisfaction in him and only him. The result of this has been more joy and contentment in God than I have ever experienced. I can also see how God is using this to produce in me a deeper desire for him.

I think that is all for now… I’ll write more later… I’ve got a lot of things running through my head… sleep being one of the prominent ones…. J

Up coming topics could include…

Mission trip thoughts…

Waking up…

What are you really doing with your life…

Song lyrics…

Update

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 00:59:29 GMT

I’m trying to make a new commitment to journal/blog more… because I’m on so many blogs the post will all the same… so regardless of where you go… you’ll read the same thing… which makes it easier for me… and well for you too… you only need to check one of them… J

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 02:07:51 GMT

Do you ever wonder...

Why you're still were you're at... I mean why not somewhere else...

For example... if I had had my way, in January I would have headed to south Texas to missionary training school... guess it wasn't meant to happen yet... as I look back on the last few months there are a lot of things that wouldn't have happened had I been in Texas... I wouldn't have been able to help my brother through the difficulties of being a teenager... and one of my best friends wouldn't have a boyfriend...

So I sit here and wonder will I ever end up in Texas... I don't know... guess I'm suppose to be here for awhile yet... maybe Texas is one of those things you want but never get cause God has other plans for your life...

So I'm left here to wonder... I've got a lot going on in my head and I'm not sure how to sort it out... maybe I'll post about it later...

On a different note... I have a new job... I'm really excited about it... but also kind of scared... it is different from any thing I've done...

That is all for now... I'm tired and sleep sounds really good...

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Sun, 11 Mar 2007 00:18:06 GMT

And He Laughed at me...

So the most common question I get ask on a friday at work is "What are you doing tonight?" and usually I'm just going out... or hang out with a friend... nothing to big or exciting... but this friday one of the guys asked me that and I told him I was going to church... and he laughed at me... and for once I didn't really care... then he said... "you're kidding right??" and I was like "no, I'm not kidding"

I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or a bad that he laughed... did he laugh because my walk with God is so bad that he can't picture me going to church... which would be a bad thing... or was it because I don't live the strict perfect life that many people think Christains live???

Was it because he feels comfortable around me when many people outside the church world wouldn't feel comfortable around a Christain???

We give the idea that our lives our perfect... and that we never mess up... we do... I just wish people outside the church understood that... the only difference between us and them is that we are forgive and strive to please our Heavenly Father... we aren't perfect... just forgiven...

So the guy at work laughed at me... and I didn't care... I find myself wondering... why this time don't I care that he laughed... where tomorrow I might care... can I just not care when they laugh... I wish I was more consistant in speaking up...

I'll write more on this later... remind me... just wanted to start on this topic tonight or I didn't think I would...

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 00:07:11 GMT

Don't know what to say...

So I was looking at this and I realized it has been almost 2 months since I updated... and somethings have changed and something haven't...

I'm really happy to be done with college but at the same time I'm searching for a new normal for my life... you know that unsettling feeling when you don't know what should be normal and you are just content to continue on with your life the way it is going... your content... and just happy being that way... and people push you to do something else... something that in their mind is better and more productive... and part of you wants to be that more productive person... but part of you is content being who you are and just looking for what God would have you do... and your getting confused trying to decide if what those people want for you is what God wants for you and you feel like God's voice is being drowned out by other people and thier expectactions of you...

I guess part of it is my fault... I know I'm not doing some of the things I should be doing... and I know I'm not listening as much for God's voice as I should...

But still how do you explain what you believe God's plans are for your life to someone who just can't seem to get it??? They say they get it... but they don't live like they get it...

Why are we content to live in a little box... and not pay attention to what goes on outside the box??? Why are we so wrapped up in advancing our career... when there are so many other Kingdom things that we could be doing???

I'm not trying to hypocritical here... I'm guilty of the same things... I just wonder why we don't try harder... why we work so hard to achieve things that in the end won't matter...