and i'm back at that point again. i can't eat anything without throwing up. not voluntarily though, just by pure reflex. after the dinner my dad sat with me and watched and forced me to eat. i walked into the bathroom to stare at my shameful self in the mirror. and i got this feeling over me, i started throwing up, until there was blood. oh god, this could be the end of me or the best thing thats happened to me.

i can't stop thinking. if i'm never going to forget my first love, then how can i possible fall into someone else? what if i'm not your first love... what if she was? that means you could forget me. i don't want that. please don't ever forget me. i hope i'm burned into your soul, like you've weaseled your way into mine. i can't possibly thing of anything to live for right now. i'm not in school, i have no job, and the one person i need will never need me again. i've been replaced in every aspect of your life, and it kills me. literally kills me. i couldn't even begin to explain to you. and i never will be able too. you're watching me die. i know you're not an idiot, you can tell. with every burning stare, every gaze caught, every accidental run in, i know you know i'm still madly in love with you. why won't you just talk to me like you used too? i wouldn't mind dying right now. i've been on this shit hole for 18 years, what else could possibly get better? i have  no motivation because this fucking disease has taken over everything in my body. i'm useless. i can't even fucking lose the weight. it's taking everything in me not to run upstairs and swallow that bottle of medication, or all the bottles of anything up there. i'm tired of trying to be happy, i'm exhausted. i had the worst melt down on friday over nothing. the only thing holding me back is him. i couldn't do it to him, but i hardly doubt he'd care. i know he would, but would he? i don't know. why can't you just come sit with me and hold my hand? why can't we just go for a drive until we lose the road? we should have ran away together that night, i should have just left. i should have gotten into your truck when you begged me, and when you cried for me too. i should have showed my love for you when you loved me more than you ever have. i should have put down that fucking snorter for one second to think what i was throwing away. i truly thought you would never leave me.and i shouldn't have taken you for granted. i know you don't blame yourself, and i blame you. but i know it's all on me. you leaving me for her was bound to happen. i was just too blind to see it. i love you, more than you will ever know. please please don't ever forget me.