| so here we are...its funny...i used to hate posts where people do nothing but bitch and complain...but in my effort to study life to it's fullest..i've realized that in order to truly experience things to their fullest potential, you have to become aquainted with the things you might have hated at one point in your life...i've taken it so far that i've just about become another person from the guy that say, my clinton friends used to know in high school...i'll go on ahead and warn the few people who may be reading this right now that you don't want to. quit wasting your time on this and go read somebody's blog that happens to be interesting....or better yet, fucking do something productive...i'm serious...i'm warning you...this won't be interesting...but for whatever reason i feel the need to gratuitously bitch about my frustrations in life.
yes, i'm aware that not only will this accomplish absolutely nothing, but will probably end up being a post that i'll ineveitably delete later on when i reread it and realize what a bitch i sound like...but for right now, fuck it...hopefully all this babbling will have kept you from reading this far...i really would hate to waste your time, but if you're still reading this, i've warned you.
now, it may not seem like alot, but yesterday, i almost died...ok, i might be exaggerating slightly, but i promise it's not much. let's just say i took a bit of a fall...from a good 30 feet above the rocks...i should have lept before i looked...but i did the "responisble" thing and i looked first...hesatation has always been my biggest downfall...no pun intended...but sunday afternoon made me realize just how bad it really effects me...on my way down i had an epiphany...i spend so much time thinking about what could happen that i wind up missing whatever it was i was thinking about in the first place...for whatever reasons, social repercussions seem to be what i cant get over...i've always been the kind of person who can be all things to all people (well, almost all, but i'll touch on that later...)...my personality is more malleable in most respects than most people i know...its a defense mechanism i developed years ago...you don't beleive me, watch me at a party...next time i see you around a group of people, i guarantee i can be about as many different people as are in the group...now, that's managed to at least keep me from making many enemies...but at a cost i'm only starting to realize...it's been detrimental to the person that i really am...to the point that i'm not even that sure who the fuck that person is...luckily i've been long at work at trying to unearth that person and train him to be strong enough to withstand whatever fallout may come from being who he is, but i'm still in the process, and i've got a long road ahead of me...
that being said, i've been taking a long hard look inside me and i've begun to notice a pattern...i meet people, i instantly want them to like me...what do i do? i mold myself around them...it's not hard, and its not like i conciously do it...i'm a very laid back person...and i can honestly say i don't give two shits about much...so i can usually see all sides of all arguments...but you combine that with the affore mentioned tendancy to be a "people pleaser" and that's where the problem arises...so i subconciously follow whatever route seems to get the best reaction...now, this could be a great skill if i could only control it...but i spent so long "leaving well enough alone" that it's begun to fester...instead of a useful tool for diplomacy and (let's be honest) manipulation, its become more like a rut i get stuck in...like a scratch on a cd that keeps it playing the same few seconds of a song over and over and over untill it finally starts to drive you so crazy that you just reach up and change the song...i can't seem to make myself stop...everytime i outwit myself into coming out of that and simply being myself...i start to hesitate...i overthink the social repercussions of what may come out of my mouth....or what i may do...
it gets frustrating as hell...and it always keeps me to the point that i can be friends with somebody...but i haven't let myself have a close friend in years...the last time i had one of those i got fucked over...alot...come to think of it...that has alot to do with my recent retreat into the habbits i've been ranting about now...it's not entirely to blame...last summer (not the one we're about to end) i actually had a second chance with a girl that i had spent the whole of fall and winter and spring trying to get close to at first, but then trying to forget when the affore mentioned friend came into the picture and grabbed her attention almost effortlessly...it was a phenomenon i'll never forget and it drove home to me that, while it may sound cliche, it's confidence that "gets the girl"...but anyway, i got a second chance with this girl over the summer and i choked...i hesitated...the thought of trying and failing scared me so much that i just didn't try...once again, i "left well enough alone" and went absolutely nowhere...once i realized what was happening, i dropped contact with her...as selfish as it may have been, it would have left me in an endless loop that would have driven me insane...it was as eye opening as it was devestating...i was given a chance to actually go for this girl...no interferance whatsoever...yet i still didn't even try...i would let things get past a breaking point, and then i would just spout something out apologetically...ever since the end of that period of my life, i began to run from everything i knew about myself...because i had come to the realization that, at that point, i was nothing more than a fictitious character crafted to win the affection (well, to be honest, my goal was adoration, but that's hard to accomplish when, personality-wise, you're an ant among giants) of my high school friends...
pathetic? i'd say so. but anyway, this brings me to what i was saying, earlier, about trying to be all things to all people, but only accomplishing some of them...my tendancies have only accomplished the opposite...it has stripped me of all distinguishing characteristics...i was so afraid of bad ones shining through that i got rid of all of them...good and bad...and although i've been working my way back out of it, i've only realized how far i have to go...it's completely obliterated any real appeal i would have...be it personal, musical, proffesional, mental, emotional, or sexual (lets face it, my sex appeal is pretty much non existant).
so now we have a confilct on our hands...i spent years building up this chameleon of a personality and, now, it's very existance is detrimental to its own primary function...it makes me more mundane than ever and i would like to be able to be me again...i'm sick of it...the moral of this story: brandon needs to act instead of overthinking everything to the point that there is no more action to be taken...this post is a step in the right direction and i'll tell you why...the whole reason i refused to make a post like this in the past is because i didn't want people to think i was self centered and weak...even when i wanted to post something along these lines i would stop...but right now, i feel self centered and weak...so this post is the beginning of the purge session that's been on its way for years...now with that said, i have a confession to make...i've never posted anything in the past without secretly wanting somebody to read it...sometimes it was a certain person, other times, it was anybody that the content of the post may have applied to...but tonight, i can honestly say, this post is for my own satisfaction...i can honestly say that i don't care who reads this...i guess its because of the fact that i've been off xanga so long that i've lost touch with just about everybody on my subscription list...and since i don't know any of you fuckers any more, who cares what you read on my site? less than 6 months ago i would not have been able to make this post, let alone a statement letting people know that they don't mean a damn thing to me anymore...selfish? i think so....but i need to indulge in that for a while...balance out the years of people pleasing with going for what i want and what i feel...maybe one day the pendulum will find equilibrium...but it must swing to either side several times first...i guess i've got alot of work to do....
sincerely,
dogs
kids
hats on beds
white lighters
brandon
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