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| Closed.
If your special you have my new one.
♥
The time I would spend with pictures I would not send
I watched you go from left to right
I follow you all night across my blinds
I'm making my peace making it with distance
maybe that's a big mistake
you know I'm thinking of you
I miss you
You'll change your mind come monday and turn your back on me
take your steps away with hesitance
take your steps away from me.
Jimmy Eat World; Cautioners
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| Edit;So I thought it wise to inform you all what's going on.
It's apparent the people who know don't care anyways.
I'm going to a psychiatrist sometime this week (and yes it's official now)
for several possible diagnosis outcomes (what me and my dad have narrowed it down to unless it's something altogether different)
-Bipolar disorder
-Schizophrenia
-severe depression
or several possible combinations of the above.
I'm sorry if I've lashed out at you lately.
the only thing that helps me cope with this lately is being with friends,
and when I'm alone, I just lose it.
I'm sorry.
It's apparent things between Brandon and I are changed.
and I doubt things are going to work between us anymore.
I thought I was doing the right thing, trying to sort out my problems without pulling him into them (because I know he gets angry with me whenever I'm such a bitch, but hey, thats okay)
but apparently I wasn't.
But he's over that now.
He's just fine guys. He's moved on.
I wanted to thank the people who are really understanding of this right now.
It's not like I'm not trying to change what's going on,
thats why I'm going to a psychiatrist,
to get treated for a mental disorder.
I tried so hard, and I'm still trying really hard to keep things from falling apart,
but they already have.
I've hurt people.
I'm lashing out at everyone,
and I'm abusing myself.
I can't keep going back and forth about my stomach,
I can't keep calling myself names, and treating myself like shit.
I can't live with this, I feel insane.
I'm sorry for trying to keep this from affecting everyone, I'm just so selfish right?
thanks again everyone who has helped comfort me, and who has helped try to make this better. i love you guys, and you all know who you are.
I'm sorry to everyone else.
Won't you guys just love me when I'm on lithium?
two words.
Fuck you. | | |
| I've decided to protect alot of my posts from here out.
From here out, I guess this is just going to be a normal "tell you about my day" xanga.
I guess the stuff with depth is going to be protected.
So.
Yesterday.
Amber calls me around Two and wants to do something once she gets off work (10) so we decide that she's gunna call me when she gets off, and go from there.
Stu and Shawn called me a little later, and said "HEY BITCH. WE'RE GOING TO FRY STREET. GET READY AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!!!"
So I'm like cool, I need to cheering up, anything to keep my mind occupied.
I go around the house looking for my bag with my makeup and stuff, and I swear dude. I swear I had picked that bag up out of Amber's car the previous night, but I guess I didn't.
I have no makeup stuff. Pulling off makeup without eyeliner is VERY difficult, especially if your me.
So I got ready, even though my hair was kind of dirty, but lately it seems to do what I want when it's about a day dirty.
Get to Fry street, find the guys and we just chilled there.
Shawn and I had a much needed talk.
It was good to be the only girl there. I love spending time with the guys you know?
So heres what it's like yesterday; Shawn, Stu, Chaz, Charles, Cory, some other kid (I can't remember his name, maybe it was Trevor??) and I just all chilled.
Time flys by. 10 rolls around and I tell Amber to drive up to the Square and we'll walk up there and help her get to the square.
We got back to the Tomato, and just chilled until around 10:45, and then I was like well are we just gunna chill up here? Cause I'm gunna have to go soon.
And Stu's like.
DUDE.`You and Amber and spending the night.
So I call my dad and tell him I'm spending the night at Amber's,
and we left Fry street after another 45 minutes, and after seeing Frank.
We went to Stu's and stayed up all night.
Amber shit her pants.
Shawn wouldn't shut up. At all, and I wanted to beat him for not shutting up. ever.
and Stu was pretty quiet.
There was alot of shitting of the pants, and farting. It was kind of gross.
We kind of fell asleep around 6:30 ish, and I found myself finding refuge on the ground, because Stu is a violent sleeper, and I thought he was awake several times, but he was just slamming his hands into the bed, and trying to strangle me in his sleep....
So I finally nod off, and Amber's phone rings.
It's like...8 fucking 15.
So we have to go. I fall asleep again. Amber falls asleep again. Stu is still trying to kill himself in his sleep. and Shawn is like half way awake.
So Shawn's like get the fuck up and leave!
And we left. We tried to get Stu to walk us out, but uh..He was like..unconcious.
So I came home and slept.
Remember how I said my hair was dirty yesterday? Well since Stu's room is like an artery in the pits of hell, It got even dirtier last night cause it was so hot.
So I wake up, and I just smell gross.
and I go to take a shower, and we have NO water.
We didn't have water until like 4.
Oh my god. That shower was so nice.
I've just chilled today.
I'm about to call Amber to see what's up.
YEA.
I think I'm officially Nocturnal when I find time to sleep.
Savannah in Seven days.
oh yea and;;;;;
Happy
Father's
Day | | |
| i'm making this posotive.
stu.
thank you, so much, for making me look at myself.
just really stand back, and look at myself from a strangers view point.
thank your for teaching me that i need help. i need to let go of things, and i need to do things to make myself happy.
thank you for making me realize i need a meditative mindset right now.
and that i need to be open to everyone's opinions.
thank you so much for everything you've made me realize in so little time.
you've made my imagination just light on fire,
and it feels so good to have that to myself again.
thought.
jordan.
i love you so much.
you have no idea.
you aren't replacing anyone.
and i don't expect for me to replace anyone of your friends in your life,
but you have been there for me so much lately.
i dont know where i would go right now if i didnt have you.
thank you so much for being just, you.
and thank you for not having a biased mindset.
if i can ever return the favor that you have bestowed upon me,
i hope you realize how much you mean to me right now.
amber.
thank you so much,
for just lightening any situation.
thank you for making me smile so much.
and understanding when not to bother stuff.
thank you for always being there when the break down reaches it's ultimate low.
and thank you for sharing your problems with me.
i love you so much. you have constantly been there for me for awhile now. and i truely appreciate it.
your a teammate, and your will always be.
you will always be a part of that family. you will always be part of jv, and i will always have that family type bond with you.
and we may not always be super close,
and things are going to change with you being gone,
but i love you regardless,
and im going to try so hard to be there for you.
just like i expect you to try to be there for me.
As negative the situation is that I am in, I find this a good time to close my xanga for the time being.
I have to say goodbye to some things in my life.
and I have to do it sooner or later.
and I really am truely sorry for the pain that I've caused people.
I wouldn't continue to feel remorse for people if I wasn't sorry.
I want to be happy with myself.
and people have made me realize I need to find myself,
and get to know myself to keep myself stabalized.
I hope I can mend broken relationships along the way,
and apologize to people I hold negative ties with.
Peace out.
See you guys on the flip side. | | |
| ok.
i feel as though i need to explain myself more.
and i don't know why. but i guess it's because i'm realizing the people i love the most are hurting me the most.
i cant talk about why i broke up with brandon.
and i refuse to say anymore than that.
you guys really arent understanding that this is my problem.
this isnt because of stu.
so fuck off already.
you guys think you can just judge this standpoint based on one night.
yea,
i am different from that night.
its called hitting bottom.
so fuck off already,
and quit thinking you know the situation,
or whats going on at hand,
or in my head for that matter.
im getting help.
and the people i thought would understand most, and would support me the most really aren't helping right now.
their making the situation worse.
i dont know what to do about this anymore.
you guys dont understand that i dont know myself as a person right now,
and that i need time for myself to understand who i am.
i need that right now.
and you dont understand at all.
you guys just keep making this situation worse and worse for me.
do you honestly think i dont care? or give a damn?
you guys are making this so hard,
and to sound petulant, this isn't fair. and it really isn't making things any easier for me.
i'm getting help. so please.
just leave things alone.
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