WOW.

soooooooo long since i looked at this thing.

aw the memories.

babe we`re gunna keep this thing forever. haha.

wow long time no write. babe how come we never write in here anymore? we have so many memories in this damn thing. aww..

well god its been like a year later.. and we`re still together :D  today is april 21st, 2005 and we`ve been together for 15 months and 6 days. aww shiet. haha. well i came upon here and thought it was about time to write in here again. its kind of interesting.

Russ i love you and ill see you tomorrow.. God--i love you so much baby.

love always, -ME

P.S. i just noticed how thick your pidgin accent was back then. now its not so bad.. around me at least. but when you`re with stephen and them, it comes out again. you were so hawaiian when we first started dating. haha

wassup babe,

k yeah i finally writing inside this. sorry for taking so long but yeah. huh... damn so shitty that i never seen you for so long. shiet somtimes kinda hard for handle all the things that we gotta go through but you always there for help me out. Thanks for always being here for me. babe..k yeah i goings then cuz i getting in trouble for some stupid bullshiet again. so fucken erking... k yeah you already know how much you mean to me and how much i need you in my life. Thank you for everything you've done for me. I LOVE YOU with all my heart and hopefully we'll be able to be together soon.. just be good and be careful. take good care of yourself.

                              I LOVE YOU ERICA......

Baby, I already know that we going have to go through choke shiet. I already knew it but I guess I was just hoping that things would get better. It sucks so bad that you have to go through so much shiet just so that you can actually be with me. I'm sorry. shh I know I not supposed to say sorry but I am. I just hope that all this shiet will go away soon. huh.... baby.. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH... But for reals babe. You already know that I willing for go through all this for YOU. As long as I going have you then it's all good. But since we hardly going be talking and guranteed that we not going see eachother for a while then we have to do good. shh. I already know that you  going be doing good so I no need worry. You already know that I not going do shiet cuz come on now babe. shhh. I know better. I already learned from all my mistakes in the past. As long as we get eachothers back then we can make it through this fucken BIG ass obsticle. Baby. 

Damn....huh... babe I so lucky for have you. You make everything easier in my life. what the fuck... shh You are my life babe. You can make me smile even though your not in front of me or on the phone. Your always on my mind and in my heart. Everytime I think about you I feel so happy knowing that I have YOU... (my wife and my best friend) Baby.. just keep working hard and keep your head up cuz no matter what baby I going be right by your side helping you every step of the way. k. So keep on SMILING k shh you better babe. If not then you already know what word I going make you say so that you going smile... haha. I know the thing is kinda gay but oh wells it works. If it doesn't work then shh watch I going think of something. haha. k babe.

wow babe. I actually wrote kinda long. kinda repeated some stuff I think but oh wells. atleast I wen write inside. Just for you. Just so you can say awwww babe... haha. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH... damn I can just imagine you saying that..huh.... I MISS YOU SO MUCH.

                                       I LOVE YOU

Hi baby … well believe it or not but this is the only way I can talk to you … and yes im being serious! Well, a lot has happened me today and I have a really long story to tell. My mom picked me up and questioned me about how I was always the last one to come out when all the other kids were usually out by 12. I didn’t think anything of it and that’s when you were brought up. She asked me if I was still seeing you and if I was still talking to you and I was just quiet. She threatened to tell my dad and that’s when I just went completely off on her. I told her that ive been trying my hardest to try to open up with her becuz there was just so much that ive hidden from her. She kept telling me she didn’t want to hear what I had to say becuz she knew that I would eventually convince her to do something she really didn’t want to do. At the time the words that came out were like something I wasn’t even thinking about saying. I told her that I “HATED” her and she just looked at me and turned away. She told me that she couldn’t believe how crazy I am over you. She kept telling me that the letter you gave me was something that messed with my head and just gave me more problems. I screamed at her and told her that I loved you. And once again she was quiet and she said that I was too young to be so involved with someone like you. I told her that I was still an actual person and that age didn’t mean anything unless I was like 10 or something. But I felt as if she was accusing me for loving you. She also kept pointing out things about you that she didn’t like and she asked me how I could be in love with you. I told her that I have so much feelings for you and the process just kept going and going. No matter what I said, no matter how true all the things I said to her, she didn’t see my way and she just went along with her decisions … like always. We got home and trust me we were arguing a lot more than what I just described to you, I just have no time to type it all. But yhea. I was crying and my cousin and her boyfriend were staying at our house so I decided not to make a big scene. I went to my room and shut the door. Then my dad came in the room and asked me what the hell I was thinking. He asked for your letter and he ripped It into shreds on the floor in front of my face. He said that he couldn’t take the way I was acting anymore and he told me that I really needed to get my head together before it was too late. He told me to go look at my mom and what ive done to her making it seem as if she was the only one who was hurting. I refused to go look at her becuz my whole body was filled with hatred for my own mother. He was all up in my face, which brought back bad memories so I cried even harder. He told me that I didn’t realize how badly I am affecting our family and he just pointed out how I was basically the screw up, mental daughter they’ve had nightmares about. I told him no one cared about me and my feelings and whenever I tried to talk to someone, it was all about them, not in anyway ME. He said that I was crazy for thinking that way becuz if it were true, then they wouldn’t be so worried about me like they are right now. He later asked me for your house number becuz he said that this was all your fault and he wanted to talk to your dad. And that you were just screwing me up. I told him that he could never get yer number out of me becuz it wasn’t yer problem … it was mine. And he left that subject alone. I sat in my room for nearly an hour, staring at my four white walls thinking of what I should do. Until now, I still haven’t thought about anything that could work out for the both of us. My mom is going to start picking me up where the busses used to be, you know where I usually meet you. And the more I think about it, the more I know for a fact that my ass is going to be watched over more than ever before. So there might not stand a chance for us to be able to communicate over the phone, but if anything I can call you at least sometimes but not all the time.

But I just wanted to tell you that ive reached the absolute lowest point in my life. And I really just have to concentrate on building myself back up so I wont be in such a deep hole. It will be better for me. And what I need to know is if you are still willing and able to consider us, trying to work it out. You have to know that we wont be able to communicate as much as possible, even less than before. I want you to think long and hard about this becuz when you said “this is just the beginning” … you were right. Its going to take a lot of hard work and a lot of effort to get things to a stage where I can actually be happy. Where WE can actually be happy. It will take a lot of time, im talking A LOT OF TiME. And I need to know if you want to be in this with me … knowing about all these problems wont go away for a while.