Well, this has been a long time coming.  Not really, I suppose.

I was just walking outside tonight around 7:30 to go eat, and I looked in my backyard as my dad and I pulled out of the driveway.  Our house is a split-level, so the backyard slopes down.  Dusk's golden sunlight was streaming through the various trees which form a thick, lush canopy over the freshly-manicured grass, and the lawn was occasionally bathed in that gold light, like the hands of nature reaching into the yard.  The flowers my dad has planted were in full bloom-- pinks, reds, yellows, oranges-- sporadically around the yard, and an old-looking stone fountain trickled water in the middle of the yard.  It really was such a beautiful sight, and I had to pause for a moment to just enjoy it.  Dorothy had it right: there's no place...

Sometimes I wish I'd grown up faster.  College has been great-- it's stretched me, tested me, tried me, and rewarded me, and though I feel like I'm in a constant state of flux, I know I'm headed to where I want to be.  Eventually.  Maybe.  It's the waiting part-- the figuring out, the questions, the answers we do and don't want to hear-- that makes it so tough.  That's why I think I wish I hadn't gone into my collegiate years so "unprepared." 

That's not the right word.  If it is, it was an "unavoidable un-preparation." 

Sometimes, though, I wish I had "been through a little bit more" growing up-- pushed a little bit more in school, questioned a little bit more in church, conversed on a deeper level with friends.  I can't complain about my home life-- I honestly think I had about as good of an upbringing as is possible, and I am so, so grateful for that.  But I just think... somehow... I don't know.

Now I expound.

Like, I wish high school was harder.  I wish we'd started writing research papers freshman year, just to get used to it.  I wish we had to read books like The Catcher In The Rye at least before we were juniors.  I wish I had more teachers that challenged us as people, and not just as students.  I wish we'd have been slammed daily and unbiased-ly with the issues that face our world.  I wish we had to have developed our own opinions more often.  I wish my Sunday School teachers had been a little more "real" with us.  I wish I'd read the works of C.S. Lewis sooner.  I wish 'church' didn't always feel like such a routine.  I wish I knew more people outside of my Christian circle of friends.  I wish I'd learned to truly love someone I was supposed to hate.  I wish I met more people who have really lived something. I wish the more experienced people that I did know would have been more fearless to tell me about it.  I wish I'd developed closer friends among the ones I had.  I wish I'd been more real more often.  I wish I'd challenged myself to go beyond the expectations of the southern young man.

But then I wouldn't be here.  And I think where I am right now is a great thing.  Maybe not right now, but in the long run... who knows.  Eternity is kind of a long time.  I probably shouldn't expect to know exactly where I fit in His plan at this moment.  Then I wouldn't be so human...

... and being human is... what He intended.  And what he intended...

... is Good.

Today was an utterly amazing day.  One of the best I may have ever had, and really for no special reason.

I love Vanderbilt.  And Nashville.  My friends.  Laughter.  Good food.  Music.

I love my God.

I'm growing, learning, improving, stretching, discovering, achieving, overcoming.  After one of the lowest points (spiritually) of my life, I thank Him for rescuing me.

I wish I blogged here more, but I've found other ways to journal about how life is going for me.  But if you read this, pray for my uncle Lee Watson, who's now fighting in Iraq.  He has a wife and five kids at home, ranging in age from 4 to 20.  Also, please pray that I find someone with whom I can be spiritually completely accountable here; it's possible to get by without, but I'm not sure that's what God intends.

If you were blind, what parts of your life would you be willing to give up to see again?

And if you could see, for what part of your life would you go blind?

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To overcome the things that leave me disturbed and unsettled, must I first step into that realm and experience the danger and risk for myself?

What if I become comfortable in that realm?... happy?... meaningful?

How do I reconcile these two worlds?

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These are the kinds of things I’ve been thinking about.   Or at least the past few nights as I’ve tried to go to sleep.  Today is the first day I realized what I’ve been doing, and as I write this, I am looking forward to my ten minutes or so of these nocturnal contemplations.  At least… I think.

I’ve been exposed to much in the past year or so… since I’ve started school in Nashville.  I’ve met so many different people… who are so different from the ones I had become used to in Henderson, Texas.  People back home are so… laid back, so comfortable, so… so whatever it is that to this moment remains a deep part of me.  So Christian.  That could be the main thing.  But things here… here… it’s not… always that way.  And as I’ve lived amongst my new friends, colleagues, and teachers I’ve discovered that mindsets are so different from what I consider “the norm.”  People don’t seem to be running from t(T)ruth… they seem to be living in their own way.  To them, a meaningful, rich, satisfying way.

And to think the first portion of my life I have been taught to want to change that?

I’m beginning to realize that kind of idea is utterly hurtful and repulsive to many of the people for whom I have grown to love and care.

But if I know It’s right… but I know they "know" they’re right…

I’m thinking I need to fully return to Life.  But I don’t know if I could ever truly understand this world without fully seeing the other side.  It seems… necessary.

Tonight I am vague.  I had to write something.  My mind, heart, and body are in a wrestling match…

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In news that doesn’t seem as significant or meaningful, but part of a lovely life nonetheless, I realized today I truly love singing and I want to do it for a long time.  The movie Once is brilliant.  And the cleaner the room, the better the room (in my mind).

Goodnight.  Time for thinking?