Besides studying for three exams, I am spending these last 20 days of my university education researching a paper on immigration hearings to deport or indefinitely detain non-citizens suspected of being a threat to national security. It's a far cry from the last major paper I did in undergrad in my "Tense and Aspect" seminar on multiplicative verbs. Things change. Wow.

So there's this kick ass site called www.wordcount.org that ranks some 86,000 English words in order of their frequency. I'm happy to see that "john" is number 266. also positive is "love" at 384, with hate at "3107". however, "republican" is 4634 and "democrat" is 7134. "sex" comes in at 1236, with "saturday" close behind at 1243. Sadly if the recent past is any indication, I think it's going to be some time before those two ideas coincide for me. 

My friend lives in U of T family housing which consists of two early 70s highrise apartment buildings a few blocks from the school. I always have mixed feelings about going there - physically, the place is a shithole. The banana yellow walled and army green tiled floor hallways don't help. But since it's family housing, there are always lots of ankle-biters running around - that helps dilute the bleak feeling.

So the other day I was leaving his place and waiting for the elevator. I noticed a women walking down the hallway away from me. Just as I was stepping into the elevator, I saw that the woman had come all the way back up the hall towards the elevators. When she got there, she deliberately spun around and started walking back the other way. I realized she was pacing up and down the hallway, presumably for exercise.

I thought it was pretty sad. I'm sure there were good reasons for her to be pacing up and down the (banana yellow and army green) hallway instead of outside exploring the city. It was pretty late after all. And maybe her kids were in the apartment asleep. Maybe her husband, if there is one, doesn't let her leave. Maybe she works all day and only has only 15 minutes before bed to get any exercise.

I'm gonna go get some fresh air.

Last night my friend Colin called. I was in a so-so mood, but we chatted, and it was fun. We talked a little about my mood, and before hanging up, he told me to go rent a movie... something "uplifting". I thought it was a great idea - but ended up staying indoors watching the hurricane coverage on CNN. Something about watching all that wind and rain and ominous radar images that made me want to hunker down in my apartment even though it was a beautiful clear evening.

So I went to bed and had one of my recurring dreams. The one where I have a bunch of rodents (usually mice or guinea pigs) to look after and they keep escaping. It's probably pretty straight forward to interpret - something about feeling out of control of my responsibilities...

Anyway, this morning I woke up and my friend Mary called. I love talking to Mary because she is so out-going and says whatever is on her mind. One of the things we talked about was her upcoming wedding in May. Her dad is an Assyrian Orthodox priest and is not attending the wedding because Mary's husband-to-be is an atheist. But she's not too worried... I'm happy she's getting married. Especially because she is not so much into hardcore monogamy and is always telling me about the crushes she has on girls.

Then I was checking a listserv I'm on and found this story, part of a series at the Washington Post:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn/A49856-2004Sep25?language=printer

It's not exactly uplifting in the way that "Big Fish" (the movie Colin wanted me to rent) would have been uplifting, but then I am always more inspired by stories of people battling against the odds, whether or not they're succeeding.

I think this whole uber-urban gay thing is starting to get weary for me. I'm still a sleepy suburban boy with working class Northern Ontario and Manitoba roots who keeps developing crushes on boys who love their moms and get excited about canoe-tripping.

I can relate to Michael from the article... he seems torn between being a conservative midwestern boy and realizing how he will have to change to fit into the gay world. But either way - gay or straight - he still really loves Cher.

I forgot it was September 11 today. It' a friend's birthday... I will go out and say hello. I remember working at the tax department on the help line. When people called up to check on their account, I had to ask them "confidentiality" questions to make sure they were who they said. I remember one cheerful woman called and when I asked her for her birthday, her whole demeanour changed as she mumbled "September 11". Damn.

Thursday I was walking through Queen's Park, which ironically is a very cruisy place after dark, on my way home from school when I happened to notice two boys walking up the path towards me. I was thinking of other things, but thought that one of them was kinda cute.

As we passed each other, I looked up again and saw that the boys had taken each other's hand and were happily chatting away.

Instead of feeling grumpy or bitter or envious, I just got a nice warm fuzzy feeling. There were something about their manner that made me happy -- probably because it wasn't Church Street where you would expect to see boys holding hands, and because they didn't seem to be doing it to consciously make a statement, or to show off. They were just enjoying each other's company, in the park, on a late summer's afternoon.

I was, and still am, surprised that I wasn't more envious. I've never done single well, and am approaching my longest period of singlehood since I came out. (Eight months! Gasp!) But I guess I'm more at peace than I thought I was with that situation. Maybe because I'm insanely busy at school and work... although I'd like to think it's something more. I'll work on figuring that out over the next little while.