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| Q&A - DTR's and Men Who've Been Hurt
Thanks to Outlier for the questions! Here is my attempt to answer them!
Q: What if the guy is being super ambiguo and you need to initiate the DTR in order to set the boundaries, at the risk of being led on by the other party? Does that mean that he's just not worth it?
A: If at all possible, I try to advise ladies not to initiate a DTR with a guy, if you like him and want to be with him. It really is worth it to wait. It is important for the man to pursue the woman in a relationship (see previous posts). Let him take the lead and make the first step. If a guy really likes a girl, he will usually be motivated to action when he is ready to pursue her. Don't jump the gun! It may backfire. This is a good time to exercise patience and trust in the Lord. Resist the urge to take matters into your own hands or manipulate the situation.
I would also suggest that you find out one key piece of information -- how did he get together with previous girlfriends in the past? Did he befriend them for a long period of time before he finally asked them out? Did he wait for the girls to ask him out? See if you can discern his modus operandi. That may explain a lot. Try to understand where he is coming from and why he may be experiencing barriers to talking with you.
The only definite situation where women DO need to initiate a DTR, is this: If you do NOT like a guy romantically but you suspect that he likes you, and you recognize that he is making moves, then you do need to have a talk with him to let him know where you stand. That way, you will not lead him on. So yes, you may need to initiate a DTR so that you don't go too far in leading someone on and hurting him.
If you and a male friend are getting "gray", that is, ambiguous in your friendship, then it might be good for you to confront your guy friend about him sending you mixed messages. You may need to have a talk to clarify healthy boundaries of emotional and spiritual intimacy. If you do not like the guy, then initiate a talk and set boundaries so you don't send mixed messages.
If you do like the guy, then give it some time. Remember, initiating a DTR when you like the guy should be the last resort option! Try pulling back emotionally by guarding your heart, and begin interacting with him in such a way that accurately reflects your currently understood status. You don't need to have a DTR before you can set boundaries. Perhaps that will encourage him to initiate a talk, if he wonders why you are changing. Refrain from any conversations, time spent, or activities that may suggest you are a couple, or more than friends. Reset and recalibrate! Refuse to give him the benefits of a relationship with you without his commitment! If he truly wants to be more than friends, then he will come after you and initiate a DTR. If not, then you will know that his original intention was only to be platonic friends with you.
Q: So what do you do with those men who have clamped up due to a past hurt and can't get out of it?
A: Guys who have been hurt in the past will naturally be much more picky about their next relationships. They are sobered up, as they now have a newfound respect for the game. It may take some patience and grace on our part as women, and the resolve not to take this personally. Have some compassion and be willing to wait.
What is tragic sometimes is that most men do not know how to deal well with hurt. They are taught from early on that being hurt means showing weakness, and so they are taught never to cry and always to look tough. So when they open their hearts to women and experience hurt for the first time (which is inevitable), many of them do not know how to deal with it in a healthy way. So they go into self-protective mode. Unfortunately, they do not realize that the same source of hurt and hatred is the same source of love. When they shut down their areas of hurt, they are also shutting down their ability to love and be loved. Some guys are hurt so bad in previous relationships that they vow never to feel that way ever again -- so they either clam up and shut themselves off, or they have shallow relationships where they keep the girls at arm's length and never get too close, or they make sure to always be the one to break-up and do the rejecting first.
I would be very wary of being with a guy who is clamped up. It is so important for him to have dealt with past hurts before he gets into another relationship. So what do you do with these men? I would think twice about dating these men, because chances are, they will have intimacy and emotional maturity problems. Resist the temptation to develop a Savior complex with them. You are not going to be the ones necessarily to heal them. They need to deal with it. If he would rather not be with you, than be with you and risk getting hurt, then he is not worth it.
That said, if you do find a keeper and you are willing to wait for him, then by all means. You can pray for him, you can help encourage him, and see if he is open to working through it. Have faith and hope in the Lord, who is the ultimate Healer and Redeemer of all things, including deep emotional wounds.
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| Sermon Video on Love & MarriageThis is an excellent sermon on Biblical submission for women. It is Part 4 in a "Love & Marriage" series that I highly recommend to all.
1. Click on: http://www.722.org/video/index_currentseries2.html
2. See Part 4 - The Better Half
3. Click under Windows Media Player - 125Kbps (or choose speed)
4. When the video starts playing, you'll hear music. Scroll to around 20:00 to hear the message.
Some onerous things were said that may ruffle a few cultural feathers, but nonetheless, it is a very Biblical exegesis of Ephesians 5. Just listen with an open mind and heart. | | |
| Biblical Masculinity and Femininity
This is a difficult subject these days, because it can incite some pretty heated emotions (gender wars). But it's important and the church needs to talk about Biblical masculinity and femininity, as well as male/female roles more. Biblical masculinity is under siege today against three movements: the feminist, the metrosexual, and the gay movements. While these movements are pervasive in society today, I think the Bible is radical in what it says about masculinity and femininity, because it is indeed counter-cultural! Being counter-cultural sometimes means being un-PC too. But it's God's Word - always true and always timeless.
The feminist movement has done a lot of wonderful things for women, including gaining for them more rights (eg. voting) and opening more doors for professional and personal opportunities for advancement. But I can't help but think that in the midst of this "Gender equality" movement and "Sexual freedom" movement, women are not just becoming equal to men; they are becoming identical and almost indistinguishable. Is that how we really want our genders to be? Interchangeable? I strongly feel that God did not create us to be identical. Yes, we were created equal in eternal worth and value, being created in His image, but we were created with different designs for different complementary roles.
I think one of the reasons why the church culture is so feminized and why Christian men find themselves emasculated today is because women aren't embracing what it means to be truly feminine. Women are so dominant today, in culture, society, business, and in the church, that they are stepping all over the men. We're more interested in beating the men at their own game, and then after the dust settles, we wonder why they are not asking us out or being chivalrous anymore. I've found that men will rarely ever go toe-to-toe with a woman. When she is aggressive, screaming, insistent, b****y, etc....guys get so frustrated and find it so much easier to just give up and say, "Whoa! Forget it...ok, ok, do whatever you want." Men have the impulse to go after the enemy, to draw blood, to fight other men, or other forces...but when a woman picks a fight or shows aggression, many times they don't quite know what to do. What happens when the one you are supposed to love and protect becomes the one you are to fight?
What's happening is that women in the church are running the show, calling the shots, and bossing the men around. Here's an example: recently, one of my friends told me that his church's men's bible study had disbanded some time ago, while the women's study was still going strong. A few women felt it was their responsibility to "fix" this so they took it upon themselves to keep calling the guys and telling them they needed to start up the men's group again. I can see how this can get to be not so much encouragement, but nagging. Men need to take their own initiative! The last thing they want to do is do something just because a woman told them to. Men become emasculated when they are nagged and treated as little boys who can't take care of themselves -- women in the church need to stop being moms and come alongside the guys as sisters, as wives, and as men's biggest supporters.
When I talk about submission and femininity, I don't mean being weak-willed, cowering, not having an opinion of your own, not standing up for convictions, being a doormat, etc. Women, we need to be strong and awesome, like the Proverbs 31 woman! But I think Biblical femininity involves a quiet, steadfast strength that comes in a supporting role. It is not a weaker position, just as Jesus was not weaker or inferior to the Father just because "He did not consider equality [to the Father] something to be grasped" (Phill 2:6), but submitted to His will, even to the Cross! Feminine submission involves a quiet and gentle spirit (1 Peter 3:4) -- stepping back and allowing guys to take initiative, encouraging their leadership, affirming them, cutting out our constant criticism and nagging of them, etc.
As women, we gotta give our guys the freedom to be aggressive, to take on no-fear leadership roles, to be uncontrollable, unpredictable, passionate, "wild at heart", and yes, "out of line". We women have the God-given maternal instinct wired in us. But submission also means holding that maternal instinct at bay, to alllow the men to "get dirty" and potentially fall and hurt themselves. It also means, let's hold back the urge to get defensive and say, "Hey wait a minute, women can do that too! Don't imply we can't!" Are we that insecure that we have to keep proving and defending ourselves?
Let's be affirming and thank our men for being men (like, "Hey, you're stronger than me, could you please help me move this piano? Thanks!" or "I thought that was very brave of you to stand up for what you believe.") As women, we should get more joy in lifting up our brothers and affirming them, than having to prove ourselves, that we are just as good/strong/smart/etc. There's strength in being quiet and content knowing in your heart that God values you and that yes, women ARE amazing! Meanwhile, let's take the focus off ourselves and remember we gotta be the biggest champions of manhood in our brothers, because their masculinity is defined in relation to us. As much as we would like to forge our own definitions of masculinity and femininity, whether we like it or not, masculinity is defined in relation to femininity, and vice-versa. Both identities are relational, not isolated. They're men; let's let them be men! Otherwise, the men will become just like women, and with men like these, who needs women? 
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| Wow! Has it really been over a year since the last post? Enough field research! Time to post some of my findings. Well, with the recent surge in endless discussions of boy-girl relationships around me, it's time to resurrect this blog. Let's start with where I left off...
Making the Moves: Part III
-- Feminine Initiative
The natural follow-up to my "Part II - Masculine Initiative" is, what about Feminine Initiative? So is taking initiative in relationships only for men? That is the question modern women ask all the time. First, let's discuss what this question tells us about boy-girl dynamics; Second, the verdict and the strategies.
This is a loaded question -- it hints at our underlying value system, our views on male-female roles, and our identities. One reason why this question is being asked by women more is that there is a growing frustration with the LACK of initiative shown by men. Women feel restless and disempowered having to sit around and wait for the men to take initative. One girlfriend of mine complained, "Men don't take initiative anymore! Geez, if I were a man, I'd know exactly what to do right now!"
Many women have jumped into taking initiative, asking guys out and even beating them to the marriage proposal! They are taking things into their own hands. I believe this has somewhat contributed to the problem of men not taking initiative. For one, it lets the guys off the hook! Now everything is handed to them on a platter as we're doing their job for them. Also, guys are becoming more and more intimidated by women (feminist movement, financial self-sufficiency, emasculation of men in society, success of women, etc. That is a WHOLE other topic we'll have to tackle later). Guys now perceive greater risk to taking initiative because rejection is more likely nowadays (since the bar has been raised and "liberated" women don't need men as much anymore). Also, because less and less guys are taking initiative, it is becoming harder and harder for guys to take initiative these days (no role models, fear of being sketchy, stigma, self-doubt, etc.) It's a downward spiral.
The verdict? Let the men ultimately initiate (See Part II below)! However, this does not mean women can fold their arms and wait for Prince Charming to come knocking on their doors. So yes, I believe women can initiate. BUT, it looks different from male initiative. It should COMPLEMENT male initiative, never REPLACING it! Feminine initiative should not PRECLUDE male initiative, but should PROMPT it.
Male initiative is characterized by pursuit, assertiveness, courage, determination, and risk-taking. While feminine initiative involves these to some degree, I'd say it is characterized more by responsiveness to and affirmation of male initiative. It is a more subtle art-form, if you like. It's paradoxically what I call, "pro-active responsiveness". The trick here, ladies, is to subtly take initiative in showing interest in the guy and honoring him, thereby encouraging him to take initiative with you.
Some guys are clueless, and need a little encouragement. So if you like a guy, don't be afraid to show it! Understand that the guy would be taking a HUGE risk to pursue you, so leave helpful bits of encouragement to help him along the way (if you welcome his pursuit). There are many ways to take initiative with him, other than making the first move or asking him out 1-on-1. What does this look like? Here are some ideas:
1. Stick around to talk to him and to let him know you enjoy talking to him. Show interest in his life, his passions, his friends, his calling. Support him and get excited about the things he is excited about. Keep the conversation going with him.
2. Pro-actively try to show up in places where you know he'll be. Arrange an "off-chance meeting" where you might bump into each other. Invite him to group get-togethers or parties. Include him in your plans.
3. Affirm, compliment, and encourage him as much as possible (but don't overdo this to the point of sounding insincere or just plain annoying).
4. Defend him in public. Show diehard loyalty. Be a good friend to him, first and foremost. Find ways to serve him and to make him happy. Show some personalized thoughtfulness.
5. Respond quickly to his emails and write significant responses. Be open to sharing with him on a personal level (but maintain boundaries to the appropriate level of intimacy).
6. If he asks you out, be eager to meet with him. If you are busy, tell him you are busy but that you definitely want to get together with him another time soon.
7. Smile and look him in the eye. Be conscious of body language.
8. Do all this with him and only him, not to all the other guys around, so that he sees he is getting special treatment. Otherwise, he may dismiss all your initiatives as you just being friendly to everyone.
9. Encourage him in his walk with the Lord. Pray for him, ask God to show you his heart, pray for God's will in both of your lives, and for direction in the relationship. Pray for God's best in his life, even if that may exclude you.
Some DON'Ts and CAUTIONS:
1. Do not be overly flirtatious or inappropriate. Do not get too close, too quickly. Yield to him the right to take spiritual and emotional initiative! But maintain healthy emotional, physical, and spiritual boundaries between the two of you. Sometimes guys may not know where these boundaries are and may cross them. But women, we need to be strong and take initiative in pushing back, drawing these boundaries and sticking to them.
2. Be careful not to lead guys on if you are not interested in them (especially if you are a naturally friendly and encouraging person).
3. You can call him back and shoot emails first, but let him set the pace of the relationship. Let him feel like he is pursuing you. Have a little patience and faith, and be ready to give up control. The minute you sense you are taking things into your own hands and manipulating the situation, step back and chill!
4. Try not to initiate the DTR ("Define The Relationship" talk). There are some cases where it's necessary to initiate these, but it's not ideal (more on this in a post to come). Try to let him do this. He needs to be ready for it himself.
5. Don't lose the art of subtlety! Don't be too obvious, pushy, or aggressive. This will be a turn-off.
Above all, let's remember that God is in control here. He is Sovereign and ultimately, we need to seek His will in our lives for everything, never taking things into our own hands. He did create us with desires and the ability to act upon them, but everthing needs to be done in the right context, in a way that glorifies God and honors the opposite sex. Ladies, to wait and be patient, to play a supporting role rather than the lead role, is to be rewarded. It is an act of faith and trust, and God sees you, even if the guy may be clueless and not ever see you. When guys come around and when they take notice and take initiative in pursuing you, it will be well worth it. YOU are well worth it. Don't compromise or settle for anything less. | | |
| Hey everyone!
For those of you who are Chinese and single, check out this upcoming conference:
The Chinese Entrepreneur Association is hosting a conference this June 4-6 in Boston targeting Chinese Christian Singles, age 25-35, with a focus on Lay ministry. The theme is "Christian partnerships: Transforming the marketplace, ministry, and marriage." There will be a mentorship focus at the conference (a ratio of 5:1, attendees to mentors). If you are interested in talking to mentors about marketplace ministry and relationships, check out http://conference.ceaa.org or email conference@ceea.org for registration information. One of the keynote speakers will be Michael Chang (tennis player). Deadline is May 14th and the conference is limited to only 200 attendees. | | |
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