Currently Listening Lyfe 268-192 By Lyfe Jennings see related

So I guess it's due time to update...Christmas was somewhat unconventional being that I worked till 9 on Christmas eve and instead of the usual 5 waking up Christmas morning in my house it was simply me and my brother Josh.  My mom left to go to the cemetery to see her fathers grave with her mom (which they normally do the day before) my dad decided to go to church (once again something is more important then the family...if I thought he was going at it right or doing all that for the right reasons I wouldn't feel about it the way that I do...but it's just another way for him to try and control and yet one more addiction for him to latch himself onto) and Jason moved out on account of him being married. It was quite when I got up around 9 and I stumbled into Joshes room to ask him where everyone was.  I don't know why or what it is but I sure love him a lot.  It's a love that I'm finally starting to understand...this sort of family love that I never was given before and therefore never new how to give.  We sat there watching soccer of all sports, something I've never done, in complete silence and it was wonderful.  We didn't need to talk and that's the best thing about him and I...we never do. 

Anyways on another note I'm pretty sure my mom is going to, within the near future, leave my dad.  The day before Christmas eve she started to bring it up to me...how my dad isn't there emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and after the bullshit purchase of a 10lb box of supplements at $435 (making it impossible for my mom to make the house payment) he's not there financially.  The crazy thing was that my mom wasn't crying throughout her little speech...but I sure wanted to.  I wanted to cry for her after her ending statement of "you kids are grown and leaving now and without your dad what to I have?  What do I have?" For the first time I saw my mom being strong and therefore it was like I needed to feel weak...I needed to shed the tears because she wasn't.  For the first time I felt like she was being the mom and I was being the daughter.  We were playing out our birth roles and it was scary and uncomfortable but it still felt right in a way.  She's getting a second job to now try and support herself...how sick is that?  Here she is 51 years old and she has to go find some bullshit retail job where her boss is going to treat her like shit cause she's older and probably wont move as quickly as the younger employees simply because my dad can't step up and take care of his wife, of his family.  I hooked her up with a car from my work for pretty cheap after hers died last month but now she needs to find a way to pay it off.  I wish that I could just pay it off for her.  It's the least she deserves, but I can't.  Hell I can barely make ends meet with my bills.  Oh I forgot to mention that my mom bought this car without the knowledge or consent of my father.  He just looked outside one day and there it was and he was pissed to say the least, but I was proud of my mom cause she didn't back down.  She did something FOR herself...completely BY herself.  It was the first time she did something without my dad's approval and that was a beautiful thing to see.  I just want her to be happy...I want my dad to be happy and at this point neither one of em are, there not even on the path to it and it's dragging me down. 

I want more than anything to venture out on my own and continue on with the journey of self discovery as painful as it was for that year and a half away from home.  But I feel almost trapped now...like when my mom leaves I'm going to have to stay with her and be there for her emotionally like I've had to be for my whole life.  I don't want to see her fall into this state of depression but it's like I don't want to be the one keeping her afloat.  I can't be that, at least not forever.  Will I ever feel this burden lift?  After so many years of being someone's strong hold how do you just leave?  How do I tell myself that she will be ok when I don't believe that she will be?  I know that she needs me to believe in her more than anything because I know that in her head she doesn't think she can make it either.  She has the world against her and she's not some 20 year old wanting to take it on...she's 51!  She deserves to be taken care of...and if that's not going to come from a man then it has to come from herself.  She needs to learn to take care of herself. But that road is a hard one and at times a lonely one, a very lonely one. I haven't yet mastered it and I've been on it for years.  But I guess it some ways it's more fulfilling.  I don't know...when I think if the whole situation I just get sad...the kind of sad where you feel your heart hurt, like it beats a little slower because there's some sort of pressure on it. I want to just run away from it all never to think of it again but it'll never happen.  I'll just be left feeling guilty and cowardly... but sometimes I wonder if that's worth the trade off of yet one more scar across my heart, one more disappointment to add to the list.

You Know You're From LA When...
You're driving on the 101 and see a clear cut definition of where the smog begins and ends. True

You go to a karaoke bar and battle with seven year old divas-in-training who are trying to steal your thunder. Can't say I've had that happen.

You're sitting in traffic for at least an hour at any given part of the day. YES!

You go to the beach and see that real lifeguards actually do look like the lifeguards from Baywatch. haha sad but true

You see purple and gold and the word "Threepeat" on every corner. Which sucks when not a laker fan

You begin to "lie" to your friends about where you are (i.e. "Yeah I'm like 20 minutes away") - when you know that it'll take you at least an hour to get there). haha ALL THE TIME!

You eat a different ethnic food for every meal. Mexican...always mexican

You look around at the nice cars around you during traffic, thinking it'll be your favorite Laker or WB star. eh sometimes

You make a conscious choice to watch Jay Leno over David Letterman. nope

You mourned for Tupac and not for Biggie. YES ! RIP Tupac

You know it's best not to be on the 405 at 4:05 pm. haha yes

Getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter what the distance, takes about "twenty minutes". hahahaha yes! I really thought I only did that

You know what neighborhood someone lives in by the degree of damage incurred during the riots. sad but true

You've inadvertently learned Spanish. true

You've got to bring the cat/plants in when it drops to 55 degrees. 55?!?! Thats even pushing it

In the "winter", you can go to the beach and ski at Big Bear on the same day. I love it

You've bumped into a celebrity at El Pollo Loco. not yet

You know what "sigalert", "PCH", and "the five" mean. oh yes...dreaded words

Your pizza delivery guy is also on contract with Warner Bros. nope

If your destination is more than 5 minutes away on foot, you're definitely driving. haha yes...damn were lazy

Your TV show is interrupted by a police chase. almost daily

You can't fall asleep without the lull of a helicopter flying overhead. on a number of occasions

When tourists ask where they can get souvenirs, you direct them to Venice Beach. I love venice...there's more smoke shops and beautiful pipes there than anywhere

You know someone named Freedom, Rainbow, Persephone or Destiny. can't say i do

You've trespassed through private property to get to the "Hollywood" sign. not yet...sounds like fun though

You've partied in Tijuana at least once.  damn..I fell off I'll make that next on my to do list

You know Hollywood has a "lake". haha

You don't stop at a STOP sign, you do a California Roll. no doubt

You've lost your car in the Century City Shopping Center parking lot. more than once

You've ever bought oranges, flowers, cherries or peanuts on a freeway off-ramp. support the locals! i missed that in colorado

You think that Venice is a beach. duh

You drive next to a Rolls Royce and don't notice. true

You've started crossing a street and returned to the curb when the DON'T WALK sign started flashing. yea

You've never listened to NPR. i dont even know what that is

Calling your neighbors requires knowing their area code. yea the 562 ...301...323...626

You have a favorite Thai restaurant. yea

You think Johnnny Rocket's is an accurate depiction of a diner. that or rocky cola

You think Manhattan is a beach. true

You eat pineapple on pizza. eh no

You've been to Disneyland more times than Downtown. yea

When giving directions , you follow up with the phrase: "With/Without traffic." lol i dont know why but it's true...the only one that matters is with traffic

You classify new people you meet by their Area Code. An "818" would never date a "562" and anyone from "323" or "213" is ghetto/second class. Best area code: "310." Just so you know...I live in the 562 haha!!

Driving along, you see a high-speed police chase approaching in your rear view mirror. You don't panic or even flinch. Instead, you call your friends on your car phone and tell them you're on TV. yes!

You know that if you drive two miles in any direction you will find a McDonald's or a Starbucks. sicking isn't it?

Your cell phone has left a permanant impression on the side of your head. not yet

You never, ever go into the water at the Beach. You barely touch the sand. false! i love the beach

Everyone you know has 3 phone numbers. Home, Office, mobile, pager, two-way, voicemail.....yea, it sucks trying to keep track of them all

It is not unusual for your waitress at a restaurant to have blue streaked hair, a dragon tattoo and tounge piercing. true

You are awakened in the middle of the night by a moderate earthquake. Your reply: "That ain't even a 5-pointer" and go back to sleep. hasn't happened for a few years

You think you are better than the people who live "Over the Hill". It don't matter which side of the hill you are currently residing, you are just better than them, for whatever reason. so true! fuck you friendly hills rich bastards...rather anyone above the blv.

You live 10 miles from work. It takes you 60 minutes to get home. yea...sucks

Walking out of Jamba Juice, you see that a movie is being shot on-location across the street. yea...mostly in hollywood though

You are not happy, or even slightly exited that there may be a movie star there. You just say, " They f*ckin better not be blocking my parking space." very true

You have to yell at your bank teller through a 2 inch thick wall of plexi-glass. haha yes! And where I work I sit behind the same 2in wall

That last one goes for your local convienience store man, too. yes it does!!!

You go to Las Vegas for a weekend getaway and the whole trip cost you $50. cheeper...i got family out there

You personally know at least 5 people with agents. nope

You personally know at least 3 people who have been in a movie or TV show. yea...

You know what In N Out is and feel bad for all the other states because they don't have any. hell yea...I eat there weekly

You know that not everyone in Beverly Hills is a millionaire. yea

You know who the tinsel underwear dude in Venice Beach is. haha yes he's awesome

You've done something on a street corner in an attempt to get money (i.e. sang, tap danced, told jokes). nope..but i know people that have

You've gotten parking tickets from parking in the red zone in front of your house. not yet but both my brothers have gotten tickets parked outside the house.

You say you live in LA when really you live in a subsection of a subsection of a subsection of southern LA. haha yea

Any major movie star is picking out the best portobello mushrooms next to you at the grocers and you don't notice. probably...haven't noticed

The guy at 8:30 in the morning at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney. revert to previous statement

You really can never be too rich or too thin. bull at least for me, but that mentallity is here

The gym is packed at 3pm...on a workday.  yea believe me I know I used to work at one

The workday starts at 10am...or whenever you get out of your therapy session. for some

Any invitation comes with, "Starts at 8pm or as soon as you can get through traffic." yea

You have never met a waiter that wasn't really an "Actor." false

You never go to a coffee house without a copy of a script - any script. false

It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH '99" haha yes! and i get made fun of for it all the time

You call 911 and they put you on hold. haha

You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:30 tae-bo class. i hate tae-bo

The three hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn't caused by a horrific 9 car pile-up, but by everyone slowing to rubberneck at a lost shoe lying on the shoulder. true! damn and it's annoying

A nurse can look at you in all seriousness and ask, "you don’t drink or smoke, right?" yea

All the "cool gyms" allow pedestrians on the street a full-view of those working out. Literally, you can’t drive by Wilshire without staring into L.A. Fitness. Perhaps a new form of window shopping? yea and i don't get it...who wants to be seen like that?

The hot seasonal party favor is a candied apple from Neiman's. The apples are called "Skinny Dippers." no

The waitress asks if you'd like "carbs" in your meal. haha yea

Bars card. For real. yes! and it sucks...i have been lucky enough to get into a few though