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williamhellmuth
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Name: William
Country: United States
State: Texas
Birthday: 8/31/1983
Gender: Male
Interests: Film, eating, other stuff... I'll think of more sometime.
Expertise: Drums, I'm trying to get expertise in directing...
Occupation: Student
Industry: Media
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  adrummer41
Member Since:
2/15/2004
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| So last night was the Biola Film Festival. My film was nominated for
six awards, but it didn't win any. Kind of a bummer but not a huge deal
in and of itself. I suppose there are bigger things in life than the
Biola Film Festival. All I can really think about though, is how I was
always planning on calling Nancy this day. In fact, I remember a
conversation we had early on in the semester about the film festival.
She told me to call her no matter what time of night it was to tell her
what I won. All I could think about all night was how much she wanted
to see this film. I figured I would take her up on that. I can't
explain how I'm feeling right now. She was so encouraging about this
film and SO excited to see it. She was looking forward to it even
before spring break. When I told her I had a package with the DVD all
ready to be mailed to her the next day it seemed so rewarding. She
acted as if it was the best gift I could have ever given her. I hope
she realized how much of that movie I made for her. I just wish that I
would have won an award so that if I could go back in time or
something, I could tell her how many awards her film won and how much
recognition it got at Biola. Maybe it sounds silly, but I just wish I
could have won those awards for her.
It's already been a whole month and two days since she died. I can't
believe it's true, and I can't believe it's been that long already. A
whole month when it seems it was just yesterday that we sat in her
living room talking, or standing on her front porch the day before I
left for Biola this semester, or the day we sat down on the bench
behind Glaske and had the conversation I remember the best out of them
all. Why did she have to die? I don't know why she had to be tworn away
from me like that. I still don't know how to move on. I still can't
accept the fact that she's not hear. Two days ago (a month after she
died) I was trying to remember her voice, trying to remember what it
sounded like so I could imagine her here with me. But I couldn't
remember what it sounded like. For a good half hour I could not recall
the sound of her voice, and it terrified me. I don't want to let her
go! But I'm being forced by time to just forget her. Well, I won't
forget her. I don't care what time tries to make me do. I don't want to
leave her.
Well Nancy, I don't know what to do without you here, I want to talk to
you one last time, but I know I can't. I wish I could. I miss you
Nancy. I miss her more than she'll ever know.
Please read my last post if you haven't yet. It was the hardest thing
in the world for me to post over that one. But I wanted to get this
stuff down. So, PLEASE read it if you haven't. Or even if you have,
read it again. Please don't forget her.
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Nancy.
She was such a beautiful girl. Inside and out. It's difficult
describing her. I can't capture with words the way her face would light
up when she smiled, how her eyes sparkled and her entire body seemed to
join in when she laughed.
She was always an encouragement. She would be excited about, and
believe in anything I did. Even if everyone else seemed to think I was
crazy.
We stayed up at her house sometimes. In her living room, we sat and
talked about psychology, salvation, or whatever we wanted to talk
about.
Thursday nights was when I called her. We would talk about our
frustrations sometimes, always ending in a way that made each of us
laugh. They were happy times. Soothing times. It was soothing to hear
her voice every Thursday night.
Her voice is what I identified her the most with. I always had trouble
remembering what she really looked like, even though I have pictures.
But, if I ever wanted to imagine Nancy with me, I would just think of
the way she talked, the sound of her voice.
Having her pass away is the most painful thing ever to happen in my
life. Last Friday, April 8th 2005, my heart was completely devistated
along with the hearts of the many others who loved her.
I wished I could have been with her on Thursday as she was dying. I
wanted to say things to her, just incase she could hear me. I'd like to
think she felt God giving her spirit strength through my prayers.
There are so many wonderful memories, so many treasured and special
moments between us. The time on the bus, driving back from Six Flags.
She wanted to know about Hollywood and my struggles at college. We
talked, and I shared my frustrations, excitements. She teared up and
chuckled with me. I won't ever be able to forget those moments. So many
things
we wanted to do together that will never happen.
Flowers in her hair. That's what I always remembered the most. The time
I put flowers in her hair. I never thought it meant much to her. But I
buried her with flowers in her hair. She remembered it too.
She was buried like a princess. She was buried like the Honduran
Princess she always knew she was. And she gets to wear her wedding
dress, and the flowers in her hair for Jesus. Finally complete and
beautiful in the way God has always intended her to be.
The Honduran Princess.
I don't know how to say goodbye. And there's no way I can do her person
justice in this short amount of space I have to write. I just know that
she is terribly missed.
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| - Yeah, so I'm listening to an awesome song from Ennio Morricone right
now that he did for a movie called "Vamos a Matar Companeros." Cool eh?
Something about companions and killing. Good stuff.
Hm... so I totally blanked and forgot what I was making this post about.
People are weird. That's it. That's what I was going to say I believe.
That's my jeep up there.
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| Some awesome lyrics by Rob Dougan. I think they're kinda neat... and kinda sad. So here they are folks! Read them.
I want to weave a musical spell
That leaves you unwell and thinking of me everyday
I want to play you a tune that leaves you marooned and troubled
Each time I'm away
Is there a melody - that could lead you to me - like a lullabied child lead to sleep?
So for one moment in time you'd find that you're mine
And softly i'd kiss you and weep
I want to write a simple song thats so frequently sung
That you call me to have the thing banned
Who's sound so endears that whole nations cheer and sigh
When you you take my hand
Is there a melody - that could lead you to me - like a lullabied child lead to sleep?
So for one moment in time you'd find that you're mine
And softly I'd kiss you and weep
For i'm a gambler that just wants to lose and be allowed to leave
I'm a traveller - with one last mile my journey is complete
I'm like a swallow that wants one long last look before flying east
Last on my list - and then i quit - to kiss your lips and weep
I want to play a silver note that fills you with hope
And tames you to feed from my hand
A turquoise chord that invites you to soar
And fly to a faraway land
A symphony that gently leads you to sit and be still with me
And grief doesn't frighten me
At it's worst it delights me
Cause I want to kiss you and weep
For I'm a gambler that just wants to lose and be allowed to leave
I'm a traveller - with one last mile my journey is complete
I'm like a swallow that wants one long last look before flying east
Last on my list - and then I quit - to kiss your lips and weep
Is there a melody - that could lead you to me - like a lullubied child lead to sleep?
So for one moment in time you'd find that you're mine
And softly I'd kiss you and weep
So for one moment in time you'd find that you're mine
And softly I'd kiss you and weep
Yeah... so I was just listening to that song and reeeeaaally enjoying
it. And it's been said (Jen) that Rob Dougan is scary, and I ask you...
are these lyrics scary??? I don't think so. I like 'em.
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| As of March 25, 2005, this shall be my last web journal entry.
I find as time goes on, that my life gets closer and closer to the
journey towards Mr. Wetzig's house. My departure is the reason I must
cease my entries for the time being. I look forward to this trip with a
strange sense of excitement, confusion and... what else? Hm... I don't
know. All I know is that I just watched Evil Dead II, one of the
craziest films of all time. And as I watched it, a strange sense of
excitement, confusion and... something else filled me with a strange
sense of excitement, confusion and... this could go on for a really
long time...
Well everyone, have a very scaaaary Easter.
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