I was watching Top Gear, well actually it’s still on, I just found what they said to be quite interesting… ANYWAY… an English celebrity called Davina McCall was on to do the celeb lap and Jeremy Clarkson asked her what car she had just bought. She said she was ashamed and didn’t really want to answer but eventually she admitted that she had just bought a Range Rover. I usually don’t agree with stupidly big cars in the city but this was interesting and I completely agree.

First off I would like to mention that Devina McCall does Big Brother, which is filmed in quite a remote area so it’s not solely for city use but this is what I found interesting. When she said she had a Range Rover she said, “it’s not very environmentally friendly” to which Jeremy Clarkson replied “you have children you have to protect them first!”

And it’s true! I would much rather have a car that I felt my family is safe in that something small and environmentally friendly. Say I got in an accident and I had a baby; what would be better, a small town car or a Range Rover?

I’m not saying that I think that every parent should have a huge car and I certainly don’t think Hummer’s should exist let alone stretch Hummers (WORST INVENTION EVER!) but what I’m saying is that people should not be judged if they are trying to protect their family!

I think that an environmentally awareness is necessary by all to try to improve our future but should a woman be judged for buying a safe car for her babies? Shouldn’t we be more aware of the people that use their cars to drive 3 minutes down the road to pick up a news paper or post a letter or to get the car washed (rather than doing it themselves). Shouldn’t we be more angry at people in the city who have 4 by 4’s for no apparent reason…no family, no country life style, purely using it as a social symbol?

If it was more environmentally friendly to give your baby recycled, disposable wooden utensils that could potentially give the baby splinters or snap, would you do it? If it was more environmentally friendly to get rid of all metal locks from residential homes and just have wooden planks across the door to keep out intruders, would you? I know these are bizarre examples but they still show an increased level of risk to your family, the same risk you’re eradicating when you get a Range Rover over a Nissan Micra.

I know that in the States the cars are generally 30% bigger than the cars we drive so shouldn’t that issue be addressed first? Or the fact that places like LA have no substantial public transport system because everything is so spread out that you HAVE to drive?

I think I’m just getting ticked off over the fact that people are focusing on problems like 4 wheel drives and not looking at the bigger picture. I guess they think that if they look at one small but obvious issue they can ignore the bigger but more acceptable ones.

I don’t know…would you initially judge a mother who bought a Range Rover?

I had the most absurd dream. I dreamt that my boyfriend and my ex boyfriend were friends and they decided to go to a tiki party with the Heffernan's from King of Queens but I couldn't go. They all went and had this crazy party which lasted all night right till 11 am and I was at home, waiting for them to come back.

Whilst I was waiting; an old tutor of mine was doing a weird survey about shoes and some of my old friends from school had decided to join the army but had to enlist at my house. And they all knew about the shoe survey and were trying to sabotage his results. But it eventually turned into a murder mystery situation but I can't remember who died but I had to help out.

Eventually my boyfriend came back from the party and couldn't stop talking about this girl called Jessica who was a waitress at the party and she was this mysterious girl who nobody knew about and she went missing.

I tried to explain to my boyfriend that I was upset that he seemed to go to these big events and have so much fun without me and I thought he did it on purpose and he shrugged his shoulders and I woke up.

I have no idea what it means! I mean, it's so unlike my boyfriend. He's only gone to one thing without me since we've been together and that was a Sony party that was invite only (and he wasn't originally invited)

I think it highlighted my insecurities. Like last night my boyfriend and I discussed that ever since I was very little and a boy in my class broke my fingers on purpose, people had always pretended to be my friend and then turned on me, turning all our friends against me. I mean, at infant school my "best friend" slapped my face for no reason in front of the whole class just to get attention. In my first year of secondary school I was in a lower class because they thought I was dumb. At the end of the year they moved me up to the top class and I was so excited. But my best friend got jealous. We spent the whole summer together and one night she got nail varnish remover on my mums coffee tables but went and told my mum it was me. When I confronted her she went crazy and I didn't see her for the last few days of summer break. When I got back to school, I was walking through the playground and the whole class (which I wasn't a part of anymore) surrounded me and shouted abuse at me then conducted a mock trial saying I was lying and that I was a bitch etc.

This has happened my whole life. I counted at least seven "best friends" last turned on me and turned all my friends on me and I didn't know why. (I'm convinced there's something wrong with me but I honestly don't know what it is but if so many people want to do this to me, it must be me).

Last night we also discussed that I chose him over someone else but effectively, I was his second choice; a runners up prize if you like. He didn't understand at first when I told him that I don't think that he would choose me over someone else (well in the beginning) he said he would have, but when I told him that by not wanting to go out with me because he wanted to see what happened with the six year crush that he chose her first. He felt really bad and finally understood. I don't know, I think that effected me as I never thought of it in those terms.

And I watched Ghost whisperer last night so that's probably where the murder came from.

I think I need some time off from life. It's lucky I'm going to Italy in October...

I’m sorry I’ve been absent for a while; I haven’t really had the time or been in the right mindset to write a decent blog.  However, I am trying to get some thoughts for my thesis together so I thought I’d take the opportunity to do some writing so that some space is made in my head and I get into the flow of expression again (it became stunted about 3 hours ago).

I don’t know why I do it to myself.  I have a great boyfriend whom I love very much and I know he loves me too but I’m convinced I’m not good enough.

When I first met him, we were set out to be friends.  I didn’t want to just be his friend but I’m shy, have low self esteem and never thought he would ever be interested in me because I never think that any guy will be interested in me as a rule.

I slowly got more and more confirmation that he would never want me because of the following statements:

• I’m elitist; I don’t like stupid people, I hate most people and I have incredibly high standards for my future girlfriend.
• Whenever I go off a girl or I’m not successful with her, I always aim higher next time.
• I’m funny about arms; I think it’s a reflection on the shape of their body and their body fat.
• My general type is Asian girls

There were more general ones but I’ll share the more personal ones:

• I’ve liked this girl for six years and when I met her she blew my mind but I didn’t have that with you.
• I think and plan on a 2 year scale and even though I think I could date you, I don’t think I could marry you.

There’s more but I think I’ll get too upset writing them down.  But as you can see, I didn’t have a chance.  But he quickly became my best friend.  We would talk everyday all day and see each other whenever we could.  We would watch films cuddled up and would sleep at each others houses cuddled up too and we would even walk around town holding hands.  I felt like he was attracted to me in some strange way even though he would repeatedly tell me he couldn’t date me but for some bizarre reason, in my head I couldn’t take no for an answer.  Eventually we kissed properly but we were still just friends.  We spent Christmas together and it was nice.  We spent the day with my family and the kids and we watched a film and cuddled up and fell asleep; if he was my actual boyfriend, it would have been perfect.  But alas he was not.

On the 29^th of December, an old friend of mine was flying to London to see me (my readers will know him as SF guy), and the intention was to see where we could go.  So on the 28^th, my now boyfriend and I met up to get some shopping done for when his crush of six years was visiting (over my birthday) and then for a drink.  When we went to the train station to say goodbye, I cried.  I kissed him, hugged him and couldn’t let go.  I was afraid of losing him; I don’t know if it was losing him as a friend or the possibility of more but I know I was scared.

I didn’t see him until New Years Eve again, but we still spoke every day.  On New Years Eve we were on the South Bank watching the fireworks; me, SF guy and my now boyfriend.  When it struck midnight he hugged me and I felt at home, I had missed him but wanted to give SF guy a chance as I did like him and he was good looking and we got on well but the chemistry was really with my now boyfriend.  The three of us, plus others, met up several times; once in a very trendy bar where my now boyfriend and I were dancing because SF guy wandered off to explore…I had never felt so comfortable and at peace with someone than that moment.  I knew he didn’t feel comfortable dancing and I knew he was worried that people were judging him but I also know that he wanted to make me happy and he felt more comfortable dancing with me and that in a weird way it felt like just the two of us.  We also went for a meal, just the three of us.  That night, my now boyfriend was very upset and blamed it on a neck injury from the gym.  I text him and told him I missed him and he told me he missed me too, but in my head I thought it was a mutual platonic thing but in my heart I knew it wasn’t.

My birthday rolled around; a day I had been dreading since my boyfriend told me that this girl was visiting.   Before I knew SF guy was going to be there on my birthday, my boyfriend kept saying that I had to go out with him and the girl for my birthday because I kept saying I didn’t want to do anything for my birthday.  I kept telling him I’d only go out with him and the girl if SF guy was definitely there but he wouldn’t take no for an answer…I don’t think he could see that the idea was breaking my heart and that it wasn’t the best plan in the world.  But alas, SF guy was there and believe it or not, the girl and SF guy were very similar; they both like contemporary bars and being “cool” so we went to some very expensive bars which funnily enough my boyfriend and I paid for in the end and we both sat there all night listening to the other two talk.

It turns out that, that weekend my now boyfriend had put the feelers out to ask the girl out again but she pretty much said she wasn’t interested before he even asked so he thought it was time to get over her.

When SF guy left, he backed off a bit. I detailed a lot of the events in a previous blog but I’ll just say now that eventually he told me that he wasn’t the kind to do relationships and that I was effectively a fling…something I was completely unaware of prior to him stating it.

Anyway, a week after SF guy left; my now boyfriend came to pick me up and take me on a day out because we hadn’t seen each other properly for a while.  We went to see No Country for Old Men, had some food and coffee then went to his to pick up my birthday present.  He got me guitar hero (I wanted it when we went shopping but couldn’t buy it because I effectively couldn’t afford it.  So he bought it for me and then wrapped it like a plush toy I gave him at Christmas.  It was such a lovely gift and it made me so happy.

A couple weeks later, SF guy made his announcement completely concrete when he told me he was still looking for girls to date.  I told my now boyfriend and he was upset for me and decided to come over and bake cupcakes to try and cheer me up.

Cupcake day was generally a good day.  We baked and decorated the cupcakes and we snuggled up on the sofa and watched TV.  But all day he kept saying “I hate my stupid boy brain.  I wish I could date you but I can’t.”  When he got back home we spoke on MSN and he told me that he could date me but because of my weight he thought he couldn’t date me.  I obviously got really upset.  I mean, I’ve always had issues with my weight; I had eating disorders over year spans, I’m very conscious of it because even when I was little I was the “fat kid” because I was broad shouldered and hipped and went dancing 6 times a week so even at the age of 11 I was more muscular than I should have been.  Now, I’m not going to lie, I could afford to lose some pounds but I wouldn’t say that I’m unusually large or completely unattractive.

Anyway, I told him that I didn’t even want to be his friend anymore because he knew how sensitive I was about my weight and he used it as a tool or an excuse and I was really hurt.

But the next day, I spoke to him; I couldn’t lose him completely so I let him in as a friend again.  We spoke through a few things and he told me how upset and broken he was from all of it so I agreed to see him to try and see where we are.

He told me several times that he wishes he could do it over and that he made a big mistake and that if he could do anything to make it up to me or make me realise that he did want to be with me he would but he didn’t want to push his luck because he thought it was a miracle that I was even talking to him.

After a few meetings, he pretty much proved to me that he was sorry and we became friends again and eventually we were back to how we were.  We went to see Sweeney Todd which we found quite boring which lead to kissing, then a few days later, we went shopping for some new clothes for him and went for lunch and I made my choice; even though he hurt me and even though I was very self conscious around him, there was an undeniable pull between us and even though we would have to work at things but we should give things a go.  That was before we went to a changing room for him to try on a shirt…when I saw him with his top off I had to look away because it made me really shy.  I don’t know if it’s because he has an amazing body and I felt really uncomfortable because of the comparison or whether it was because it was now mine and even though I had seen it hundreds of times before but now, it was mine so it was more sexual and it was like I shouldn’t look because it wasn’t time. 

It’s five months later and although we are generally happy and I know he loves me and that I love him.  But my mind still goes back to before we were together and about the things that happened before.

It was his birthday last week and one of his presents was a digital photo frame.  I emailed a lot of his friends and family to get photos to put on there so he could have something really sentimental especially because he’s so far away from home.  However, one of the girls I emailed sent me a very catty response “oh I didn’t even know he had you” but I was expecting her to be a bit funny, my boyfriend told me she was a bit mean and (although I know you shouldn’t judge people by how they look) she looked like the type too.  I also was aware that she dated his best friend at high school but had always said that she wanted to marry my boyfriend and I know that he used to have a crush on her.  But what really surprised me is this…

A friend of his sent me a folder called “photos from ­­­­____" and they were of his twenty third birthday.  There were some questionable pictures and there were pictures of him with his shirt pulled up with a group of girls around him and pictures of him hugging the girl etc, all normal stuff.  There were also pictures of his colleagues and just general pictures from a night out and there were about 90 in total.  The girl then sent me pictures from the same night...there were about 35 in the album, about 15 were the same but then all the others were pictures of him and her hugging and pictures of her looking up at him like she was going to kiss him and a picture of him with his shirt pulled up, her rubbing his chest and trying to lick his ear.  It was obvious that she wanted to make a point to me and I got a little upset that someone would try to upset me when I hadn’t even met them.  And it started a chain of events.

My boyfriend and I had a chat and we discussed a few things which led to me reading his Xanga blog again (I was looking for something he said on it) and I came across things like quotes from a Murakami book dedicated to the girl he liked for six years.  It outlined how just being around her made him feel alive even though she didn’t have any feelings for him.  It then made me think back to things he said about how she made he want to change and become a better person.  And it just made me think “am I really enough?”

I don’t know.  I think I find it hard to accept that I compare to the girl at all.  I mean, she was a concept and controlled him for six years and I was there and had to wait for him to get over her.  I mean, he went on a date with a girl from Xanga whilst he lived in the States, but couldn’t date her, I think there were many reason’s but I think a big part was that the six year crush was stopping him. 

I get constantly surprised when I find out what kind of girl he went for before.  Like the six year crush.  She’s a nice girl, academically smart though socially quite unaware.  She’s the typical Valley girl who likes partying and likes to be popular and worries more about what she’s going to wear on a night out than organising what’s going on.  The girl from Xanga is questionable.  From what I’ve read on her blog, she’s very attention seeking, using sex and innuendo to get multiple men to like her.  Some of the people on her blog are people that read mine and it’s surprising how different they are with me to her, just because she dangles the prospect of sex in their face.  From what I know of my boyfriend, these aren’t his kind of people.  

I don’t know.  I’m very conscious of the fact that I’m a useful person not a fun person.  People drop me when they’re done with me and I’ve been on the receiving end of a lot of back stabbing in the past.  I honestly don’t know why I have been but I guess there’s something wrong with me.  And it terrifies me that one day my boyfriend will do the same through no real choice of his own. 

I just realised how much I rambled. I think I should stop there for now.