Tuesday, July 22, 2008

• Anger....

  Currently Listening Running Back to You By Chris Sligh see related

  Funny how life works.  Things crashing down around you while life is going particularly well…I call this the John syndrome.

  A while back, at the beginning of summer, we talked about John’s role in the lineup of disciples.  He seemed to be the younger, less experienced almost naive of the group.  He wrote of himself as “the one Jesus loved” and as it appeared, had life handed to him on a silver platter. His “brothers” would pick up the slack when persecution surrounded them.

  Following our discussion at Plugg’d (college group at church) Melissa and I had one of the best conversations we’ve had. We talked about how angry “Johns” make us because life seems so great for them all the time when we have to work our butts off before something good comes our way but she brought up an interesting point…John loved his brothers and watched them suffer, sometimes, perhaps, for his sake, while he sat by able to do nothing. When he could have been completely content, happy and joyful those around him were experiencing pain in innumerable ways.

  I realize that so often I am John. My life is wonderful. I have a supporting, encouraging, forgiving and loving family. My brother is the coolest person I know (sorry Kemp, you’re pretty cool too..I guess ). I have two great jobs, am surrounded by friends, have a boyfriend that cares…even when he doesn’t have to (heck jest!), a great place to live, and much more. God’s blessed me beyond what I could ask for.

  The hard part is that so many around me are hurting, are breaking or broken, are lonely or lost, harbor bitterness for things that happened years ago. Many are guild laden and ashamed, some cannot see the good inside or outside themselves.  Now, let me assure you that this is not me saying “ooh look at me I live a perfect life.”  Not at all!  This is me saying…it hurts. It hurts to see the people I love in these painful situations.  It tears me apart to know that I cannot jump in and help, often the best thing I can do is just back off from the problem itself and just be on my face for my friends and family.

  I am angry. Literally enraged at the brokenness that grips so many of us. I am joyful and thankful to be so blessed but am still surrounded by all the darkness Satan can throw out there.  He will not have a foothold!  I cannot bear the weight of that evil.  I am mad that he can weasel his way into the lives of my friends and family and steal things from them, often without them knowing…but mostly giving them opportunities to willing give up something they are meant to hold onto very tightly.

  Here’s the thing. This is an anger I’ve never felt before. I am not sure it’s entirely justified, because I am selfishly seeing that I have no control and that makes me angry.  Either way…I am mad. I am furious and I am trying to get over it. Trying to move on and use this anger as an action not a reaction. It drives me toward good. It’s causing ambition and creativity and thoughtfulness to really take hold. I’ve been sitting on my butt, watching all this slime, empathizing…yet avoiding the fact that I can do something about it. Maybe it’s little and seemingly insignificant, but now I am driven. I have a fire at my back pushing me forward; curious to see what’s ahead.

  Deceiving Yourself  7-22-08

  Why do you think you can control them
  Why do you feel that you have the upper hand
  It’s the part of the journey I despise
  The part where we give in to our own stupidity
  The part where you enter, carrying something beautiful
  Ready to give it to us as if it were a precious gift.
  Then we find, as soon as we take it from your grasp
  We are so obsessed with it we will kill to defend the gift.
  We don’t see the darkness it brings
  We don’t see the pain it causes
  or the separation that is slowly growing into a gaping hole between us and God.
  
  

  Well, one day, someday, you will get yours
  You will see that your pride is what blinded you
  to your forthcoming devastation
  You will see the faces of the millions affected by
  your wiles and deceit
  Their faces smiling as they look into the glorious light
  which become twisted as soon as they lay eyes on you.
  Good! You deserve to see that their smile fades upon sight of you.
  you may have temporary reign in their lives
  but you know what
  There’s only one who comes out the winner
  Only one who will be recognized for any great feat.
  He is the one who grants forgiveness…something you denied.
  He gives grace and mercy so we can move forward.
  He takes away the darkness but leaves room for grief and mourning.
  He gives consequences as an act of his justice, but never hurts us.
  He holds us up and sends us out when we have strength to stand on our own.
  Ultimately, He loves us unconditionally…something you will never understand!

   

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