it was only a game

" Dont talk to me! fuck off! I hate you! I hope you fucking die!"

Such kind words.

I guess it started last night, with the weird melancholy thing. It spawned into a thing that he wasn't telling me.

I thought he had told me everything.

I guess I'm a lot more naive than I'd previously thought.

Well, the thing was that he was still uncomfortable with getting his license. I was, obviously, upset. After everything; the pictures, the repeated let-downs, the numerous lies about the website, the 'cutting', the broken promises, the immaturity, the begging, the callousness... I was... I was upset. But, I didn't yell. I was visibly upset, maybe even a little whiny. But, I believe I handled it well. I decided to not let everything unravel then. I listened to him, and I figured that he might feel comfortable if I tried to make him feel safe about it. I thought i did okay. But, I was still upset at being let down. And, I don't think he noticed then. Or at all. And I forget what else happened. Except for talk about pizza rolls. And he said that he was okay. And I wasn't, and I even more upset that he hadn't noticed. Then, I fell asleep. I didn't even know what hit me. I woke up at 5:30 am with my cell phone in my mouth, XD.

When I got in school, of course, he wasn't there. So, I waited. and, he was actually later than usual. But, he was pretty pissy. and I think I got mad over that. But... the thing is, he didn't even try to make it better. He didn't know that i was still upset over last night, that's why I didn't forgive him for being late. also, his excuse was stupid. He couldn't find his jacket? So, the bell rings, and I walk down the hallway, with him, hand in hand. And, he just acts pissy. So, I get really mad. And... I rip my backpack away from him, break away from his hand grip and storm off. And I didn't talk to him, not one word, for the rest of the day.

I get home and expect my phone to be filled with numerous "I'm so sorry!" messages. Not one. I texted him --yes, callously, but still, what could you expect?-- hoping to get his attention. I didn't even get one text. After about 30 minutes, I got one saying, "talk to me....". So, we talk for a teeny little while, and eventually, he tells me what I said above.

 I know I'm not perfect. not even close. Not even a fraction close to being close. But, I think that after I was so understanding in the last 2 days, I deserve that back. I'm tired of being... told that I'll get what I want when he gets what he wants. Yeah, I've been known to do that, too. But, not like it's different, when I did it, It was something  important to me. And, hell, maybe it's important to him to have me be in his servitude and not do anything for me. Maybe he's trying to pay me back. But, people who love each toher don't try to pay each other back. So, I'm really doubting anything involving the word 'us' right now.

I know that what I want is a lot. But, I don't even really think I would want it if it had been proven to me before that a) he would do SOMETHING for me. b) he'd proven himself responsible.

It shouldn't take this much from him to give me what I want. and, He's right. I probably won't be happy, even then. But, it's because I will always think about how much I had to pull it from him. And how many things he said to and about me. What he did to me. what he made me do to get it... And I still have to deal with the fact that he didn't want to do it. And that he'll remind me of that for as long as I'm with him.

And, also, not only that, but, it doesn't even matter if he gets his temps. He won't be in driver's ed. He won't be able to do anything about it. But, i have to be happy with it. Because no matter what I want, he's the one that holds my heart in the palm of his hand. He's the one that throws it to the ground, daily.

and I'm the one that takes him back, every time.

_____________________________________

So, today gramma decided to be a super bitch again and told me tha the pan she makes the brownies in went msising. It's still missing. She told me that since I 'ate all the brownies up' the ast time she made them, I knew where it was.

The thing about that is, is that she didn't make the brownies in that pan the last time. and actually, If I remember correctly, she gave that pan to Aunt Diana at christmas, fileld with cheesecake. But, aunt diana does no wrong. And My showers take too long.

Mrs. Daniel gave me a letter, which is really weird, but, it made me sad, too. It was all like, "I'm glad that you chose to be in my class" and "You'll be much better off among your peers in the advanced class". Then she wrote something in spanish. It was very sweet and sad and slightly disturbing, but, in a good way. I'll really msis being in her class. and i hate the reason I left it. It really upsets me, honestly. Especially becuas eof all the ways the kids in the building talk about her. She's probably the most knowledgeble eprson I've ever met. She's very eccentic, but everything she does is for her students. She just wants everybody to learn. I guess thsat's ehr downfall, thinking that everybody wants to learn.

She's taugh me a lot, although, I ave to say, about none of it came from a history book. I actually felt kind of accomplished when i was in her classes and as her aide. I wanted to be a better person. I learned that I really wanted to learn everything i could. I learned patience.

I hate the kids that were sayignt hey wouldn't be in advanced if she taught it. I hate how the kids in our grade made fun of her for speaknig in spanish. I hate how nobody listened to her, how they took  her as a joke. I hate that I feel like I'm the only person that ever appreciated her.

I'll have her next year, yeah, but... after high school? It'll be strange. I had this clear picture of my future. But... Nothing seems to be gonig right.

Maybe it's not supposed to.

Maybe...

ykylm,

Ericka

the tragedies that we have seen are treating me like benzedrine

So, I'm pretty bored. and I hate being bored, especially when i have soembofdy to talk to.

But, it seems like there's a pattern. We fight for a week (in this case, much, much longer) we're good for a day or two, then about the third day, it's like... blah. It's like we don't click. there's nothing to talk about. and so a fight gets started.

Which sucks, but... it's what happens. how do you even prevent it?

The worst thing is that we're not even together. Because i feel like i deserve something. and i feel like he thinks i deserve aboslutely nothing.

and then there's the fact that it seems like what i say goes in one and out the other.  becuase, he acts upon what i want for a few days, maybe, then it's just back to shit.

when we're actually physically together, there's never really a problem. We can't run out of things to say.

and now he's acting pretty pissy.  but, maybe so am i.

Maybe we are all what we criticize the most.

ykylm,

Ericka

to always get me through

Jealousy

See, I admit I'm jealous. I'm insanely jealous. I am jealous to the 50th power. I wish I could lock Josh up in a tiny box and keep him there. And he knows this. I have told him this. He does not object to this, or at least that's what he claims.  Recently, after hacking his myspace and reading his messages, I discovered a correspondence of sorts with one of my close friends.

I threw a fit. I'm not proud of it. But, it's the fact that he claimed that he didn't do anything wrong.

He told her to think positively, about puppies and rainbows and such. And that she was depressed and he hoped she got happy. AND, he appologized to her, and he never did ANYTHING to her. Plus, she's a bitch to me half of the time anyways. And, he messaged her. He persued her. TWICE.

So, we fought for like, 2 days. In which he called me a bitch and told me to shut up and drop it on several occasions. I told him the idea of him even talking to her was repulsive to me and that he made me sick. And it did. And it still does. The idea of him even talking to another girl is actually repulsive to me. He also told me to drop it. Drop the whole thing.

That I kept bringing it up and that his sorrow is my fault, nevermind the fact that i was in immense amounts of pain. And that the only reason he was sad or upset was becuase i kept tellnig him I was unhappy with the fact that he talked to this girl.

So, I'm dropping it.

But it bugs me that I have to drop it.

That i don't get vindication of sorts. Aren't fights about agreements, really? Aren't they about meeting an endpoint, a common compromise?

But, I never get those. Ever. I'm always unsatisfied.

14 months.

loves, ericka