It's fun to go back in time and look at the me of ten years ago:

" My nerves are more frayed than a 25 cent electrical cord, my sanity has left on a permanent vacation and my humor has been beaten to a pulpy mess by a large alien woman who shoved it into a bag and beat it against a wooden dinner table "wchi wchi wchi"...you get the idea." (March 1997)

"My batteries ran out, just as we were out of range of my favorite radio station, so I took off my headphones just in time to intercept the Hanson tape my sister was passing to my dad to put in the car tape player, and MMMBop it out the window." (June 1997)

"You would think by now if someone said to me "Hey Celine, what say we hop in a crowded car, drive for five or six hours, visit a whole mess of noisy, smoke filled arenas watching kids try to be the first one to knock everyone else out with a lethal looking rubber cookie, more formally known as the hockey puck, while everyone in the stands screams like fools, and then we go back to a hot, stuffy hotel room to get little or no sleep?" I would run away screaming bloody murder. Nope, instead I go "Duh, sure mom, souds like fun, when do we go?"" (March 1998)

"Nascar is an evil, underground corperation of men and women who gather the world's best race cars drivers and people with enough money to sponsor the world's best race car drivers, because you know, the world's best race car drivers only have a piddly five or six million of their own, and they don't wanna share. So they stuff these world's best race cars drivers into teeny, brightly painted cars to chase each other around in a big circle. If horse racing is the sport of kings, then surely, nascar racing is the sport of men who are tired of baseball and there's no golf on tv. " (June 1998)

"I supposed Sportsworld could be classified as exciting, but getting heat sickness, and clinging to a rock-climbing wall six feet above the ground, all the while yelling "No one's getting their turn until you let me down!" seems to linger more along the embarassing line. At least I still have my pride. Okay, so I never had pride. But at least I didn't break down in tears, and then proceed to throw up in some lady's elaborate straw hat." (August 1999)

"My belly is full of speghetti [sic] and those little Halloween chocolate bars. And some gum I swallowed by accident. And some stomach acids." (November 1999)

I just can't believe my ancient website still exists on teh intarwebs.

(Apologies to Al Franken.)

I am sick unto death of being inundated with adulterous bullshit lately.  I keep watching Grey's Anatomy hoping for the schadenfreudelicious boot from Monty Python to come storming down and crush Gizzie once and for all, and yet week after week, George and Izzie are mooning around each other in front of his wife that he cheated on who realizes he's truly in love and now she forgives him less than a week later.  More than that, each week we get secondary characters telling George what a good guy he is, and how it's not his fault he didn't love his wife (one of whom was someone who lost his own spouse after carrying on an affair for years.)  What the fresh hell is this?  Life does not work like this.

I remember when I first saw Titanic with my friends, and everyone for months had been sighing about the romance of it all.  All I could think was that in order for the film to justify Kate and Leo's affair, they had to make Billy Zane a one-dimensional asshat with a gun.  Life does not work like this.

There are very few things in my life that nets people the do-not-pass-go-do-not-collect-200-dollars card, but infidelity is one.  I'm not talking about small errors in judgement, or miscommunications (ie: I thought I had been clear in my break-up with one ex before I fooled around with someone else. Not my proudest moment even had I been single, but when I found out that my ex did not realize we had broken up, I was mortified that much more that I was now a 'cheater,') or crushes, but full-on "I am going to hide this because I know its wrong."  If your relationship/marriage/cohabitation is on the rocks that badly, belly up to the fucking table and end it before you start playing the victim to your other man/woman.  No one is holding a gun to your head with regards to your other relationship; if you think it has legs, it will keep while you end things with your current partner.  All that's going on otherwise is having your cake and eating it too, except this cake is capable of esploding in your face. 

I'm not discounting open relationships, or dating, or anything where all people involved have their eyes wide open.  Monogamy ain't the be and end all of relationships. However, if that is the status quo of a relationship, and one person decides to open it a little?  Just no.  It's basic math! One and one does not total three, except in funky quantum physics ways.  And you know those guys are just rolling in teh sex.

I'm going to stop foaming at the mouth now (it seems like the day for it; nevermind the article on abortions in the school paper that calls Canadian citizens mass murders - hyperbole is like.. the most amazing thing in the world ever, better than puppies! And totally valid journalism,) and enjoying my coffee and muffin.

/cast Rank 1 Conjured Muffin

/eat