wolftrax's Xanga

I watched it happen...

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 13:01:42 GMT

I watched the fire in her eyes burn out. It was a slow process. I thought it was because she was doing too much - at church, at home, for others,... I thought that it was because she hadn't been feeling well for a while. At the first of this year, Elizabeth was sick with something that she couldn't shake. I thought it was because she had been taking care of everybody else, with no one taking care of her. Her mom had surgery. Her dad had surgery. So did my mom and our oldest son. Not to mention the fact that all of this happened during the time that I was recovering from my own illness from 2006. Elizabeth took care of us all. And she would do it again. That wasn't the problem. The problem was her being expected to do all thiss. The problem was in her feeling like she didn't have a choice.

During that time, Elizabeth fell and hurt her arm... twice. It was in a brace for a long time, and it required physical therapy. Then she hurt her foot, which uncovered other complications. This, too, required physical therapy. The foot and arm/hand still give her problems.

I would plan church events. When I saw it was going to be too much for Elizabeth, I told her not to worry - I would take care of it. When she told me she didn't want tp participate in things, I told her it was ok, and I did things on my own. When she was sick, I told her it was ok to stay home and rest on Sunday and/or Wednesday. We never talked about this, but to me I was saying, "I know you are doing too much. I know I have expected too much. I know you need to rest. I'm sorry it took me so long to notice. I'll take care of things." To her it said, "I don't need you and I don't want you. I'm fine without you." And the fire grew dim.

I would buy her gifts - cowgirl boots and hats, craft stuff, ... We went together to see lighthouses. I took her horseback riding. I didn't realize it, but I was trying to buy her back. I thought if I gave her enough stuff, she would realize how wonderful and awesome and amazing I was/am and that fire would begin to blaze. We never talked about any of this. She loved and appreciated everything, but the fire continued to go out...

Elizabeth grew more hurt, angry and discouraged. I watched it happen. The boys made comments to me about it. Affection, laughter, family unity, they disappeared. And then, one day, the fire was gone. And although Elizabeth lived in the same house, she was gone, too. She was creating her own safe, new place to exist where she could invest herself and others would invest in her. I lost her. And just like I waited for the fire to come back without pressing the issue, I waited for her to come back, too. I knew she had a problem - something she needed to settle for herself. How could I have been part of the problem? I was doing ALL the right things!

Then, seemingly to me, in one day it was all back... the fire, the laughter, the affection,... everything! But none of it was directed toward me... toward us. No - there was no new lover who swept her off her feet, no new determination to "fix things" at home. No extra-marital anything! But to me it seemed that she had found what she needed in her own new world... without me. She was alive and playing again, but not with me. And to me she seemed happy and content.

Of course it didn't happen all in one day. It took place over a long period of time without either of us knowing it. But the realization of what had taken place came to me in a matter of minutes... NOT what I had done, but what SHE had done. It was overwhelming. At first I was angry - explosively angry! But she hadn't realized she had done this, and she was sorry... really sorry. It was in her eyes. That night, God kept me awake and took me back to the beginning of our marriage and He showed me how I had created this situation by my own behavior - 25 years of blame and anger and expectations and hurt and loss. I rarely took the blame. She carried all the hurt. We never really talked because when she would try, I wouldn't listen. I never took the time to consider the fact that what she was saying could actually be true. God opened my eyes to the truth and it killed me... Talk about overwhelming! I apologized for my anger and everything else - I took the blame. She had made her own decisions, but I left her with very few healthy choices.

For the first time in years, we talked. And we are still learning how to talk. Honestly, it's hard work.

Here's the kicker - she didn't want all that stuff. She really liked it, but it wasn't what she was needing in her heart. There's this look - when a person looks into your eyes and beyond, into your heart... you know they see "you" and they really love you... need you... CRAVE just you... I looked at Elizabeth and she said I hadn't looked at her that way since we were dating! She wanted that look. She needed that look. Before this, I had felt the same things toward her inside, but tried to express it all through gifts. All the things I had placed on her... all the expectations, she needed to be set free. I do need her and things are not okay without her - she needed to know that. She needed me to hear her, to see her... to touch her heart. She needed to know that I cherish her... that she is my treasure!

Our world is coming together. We are dating again! We are re-learning how to play and laugh together. But I'd be a liar if I said it was overnight or pain-free. 25 years of my not listening has made it hard for Elizabeth to talk... to trust me with her feelings... When she tried in the past, she often got my anger, and she really doesn't want to be the outlet for that anymore, and I don't want her to. I notice things in my conversation - like, I tell Elizabeth things to do... what to say, when to do things,... things I didn't know I did. But I'm working on changing that, too. And old coals are beginning to glow again!

The boys sense things are different and better, too. They are more calm at times. They don't fight as much. They want to be around us more - especially at tiimes when we really want to be together in private!

I share all this as a means of confession. Not only did I mess up, I messed up the person I love above all others. And I'd be a fool to think that a few good days or weeks will repair all the years of hurt and damage. There is no nice conclusion to wrap all this up. It will take a long time with lots of patience, prodding and attention. The coals must be stirred, or they will die... again. And there is a point where there is nothing left to burn... I can't let that happen... I can't cause that to happen. I see where I was and I promised Elizabeth that I would never go back! My goal is a roaring fire that will never die!

Making Some Changes

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 12:19:27 GMT

People say that change is not easy. I've heard it all my life. What I haven't heard is that the revelation that allows you to see that changes need to be made - that's what isn't easy! And it is painful!!

Elizabeth shared her story so well... Here's a little from my side of things:

In college, I won Elizabeth's heart... stole it from another guy! I won her when she said, "yes" to my proposal. After we were married, she was mine and I was hers.

I won her and she was mine. That was my thinking.

Actually, I never "won" her. And she was never "mine." She GAVE her heart to me. She GAVE her hand in marriage to me. She GAVE herself to me. She was and is a GIFT... from God, and from Elizabeth. She has always been a gift. Every day, every night, every smile, every touch, every kiss,... all gifts Elizabeth has chosen to give to me. I lost sight of that and I took for granted that MY wife would always be at my side, walking hand in hand, dreaming the same dreams, wanting the same things I wanted,... I never asked her how she really felt about very much. Whatever she felt, I expected her to eventually see things my way and to keep moving forward with me... smiling all the way.

I had so many expectations on her. I wanted her to be the perfect pastor's wife - like I saw her mother being for her dad. I expected her to work, especially when I couldn't get a job. I put that burden on her. I wanted her to help with so many extra church "things" that we could have said "no" to easily. But we were a good team and we looked good together and people saw that... I thought WE were becoming more successful and that WE wanted this and that WE were "happy." I had no idea what so ever that I could lose "WE."

Before we were married we agreed that divorce would never be an option for us. She made it clear that if I ever cheated on her, I would wake up with body parts missing or I might not wake up at all. (Joking, of course!) But divorce? Never. I thought that sealed the marriage and that we would always be "together."

Along the way, Elizabeth would try to tell me things. She tried for years. I thought she was wrong or something was wrong and that eventually her thoughts would line up with mine.

Long story short, I spent most of our 25 years together hurting the one person I promised to cherish - my treasure.

None of this was a conscious choice on my part. I didn't have a clue! It was just the way I was and the way I thought things were. I'm not sure why or how. I'm not sure when my ego took over. Ok... I took over.

The results have not been good! But we are finally making some changes... together.

I found out that "together" takes a lot of work! It takes being honest with yourself. It takes understanding that the love of your life is FREE to make their own choices and that NOTHING should be assumed or taken for granted. You have to pay attention. You have to listen. Your love has to take priority over everything else in your world, or you will lose it.

If you know Elizabeth, you know that she embodies a true "mustang" spirit! She is a ball of fire that you just can't hold in your hand, but you can feel in your heart. I knew she needed to be free, but I had no idea I was the one holding the leash! I'm not holding it any more!

HIJACKED POST! :-)

Fri, 30 May 2008 14:21:33 GMT

WOLFTRAX IS ANOTHER YEAR OLDER!

...TO A GREAT WARRIOR.

Enough Said...

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 22:27:42 GMT

LAUGHTER IS A GOOD THING..

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 14:21:08 GMT

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 01:10:01 GMT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JORDAN!!

I love you and I hope your day is great! Remember... When you open your gifts, the one you like the best is from ME!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 11:49:48 GMT

Happy Birthday Elizabeth Ann!!!

You are AMAZING!

I hope your day is!

Friday, November 16, 2007

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 19:50:34 GMT

I MISS MY WIFE!

One Thing After Another...

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 14:21:45 GMT

I know we were separated for several days... but I didn't think it was THAT long! Apparently it was long enough for Elizabeth to meet some guy... I don't know his name. She calls him "Mr. Action." I heard her praying "Thank you for Mr. Action," "Thank you for the way he is made," Thank you for his uniqueness," ...

Elizabeth has called me a lot of things, but never Mr. Action! Post Encephalitis I'm more like Mr. Inactive. And for his "uniqueness," I don't know what all that's about, but I don't think I like it! For sure he's younger than me, thinner, better hair (I bet it's not grey!) ,...

At this point I don't know what to do. She is leaving again in less than an hour and I won't see her again until Sunday. The way she prays for him I think she likes him a lot!

No matter what this guy has to offer, there is no way he could love her as much as I do! I guess I'll have to figure out a way to win her back... I miss her already!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 23:15:03 GMT

Elizabeth, I have something to show you when you get home... I hope you like it!

It's not easy being apart from Elizabeth. But she's the best caregiver around, so I have to be willing to let her go at times such as this.

Here are some of the things that make her such a great caregiver:

She knows how to give her undivided attention.

She knows how to "baby" a patient, but she doesn't baby too much.

She knows how and when to push... but not too much.

She's not big on meds.

She's great at running interference on the phone and at the door. If she doesn't want you to get by, you're not getting by. Period.

She is a stickler for details.

Her ADHD keeps her to-do list constantly going in her head... she's not going to forget the important stuff.

She knows how to deal with each family member individually.

Blood and guts fascinate her... She's not squeamish in the least.

5'1" and weighing in at 102 soaking wet, she's a strong little thing!

And one more thing that must be on the list, she makes you feel better just by being near you! Honest!!

As for me and the boys... We're ok for now... so far, so good...

We made a new friend today and he said to say "hello" for him. His name is "Little Wolf." He's a tattoo artist!