“Holy is the warrior who wrestles with himself” - supposedly from the Koran

24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

27 The man asked him, "What is your name?"
"Jacob," he answered.

28 Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, ^[e] because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."

29 Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.

30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, ^[f] saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared." - Genesis 32:24-30

I wanted to title this: Declaring a Crusade against Christendom

That would be setting myself as pure enough to wage such a war. I am not. I am probably not even worthy to polish Ted Haggard’s shoes. The title would also be a blatant intent to destroy the very institution that God uses to function in the world.

Everything has its flaws.

Any honest analysis of the issue in such a small format (such as an essay or this blog) cannot even begin to factor in all the variables of Churches from Italian Catholic Monasteries to the most Tribal Native South American. Even a study with through demographics of Christians would fail to come close to being able to make my point to my satisfaction be it a 50 page manifesto or a 50 volume exhaustive study. That’s my Caveat to everything in my writing on this topic. I fully understand this fact and recognize the folly in this project.

Yet.

It seems like something is wrong. Church isn’t some sort of spiritual exercise as much as it hobby/business venture that has people going door to door in the name of some almost forgotten God. Sincerity and success do not mean anything about the realness of a religion. (For example, if you agree with my fairly basic Traditional Christian presuppositions, you can look to the Latter Day Saints as an example of meaningless sincerity and success.)

This meaningless success is everywhere. From massive Christian bookstores and Christian paraphernalia, to Mega Churches, Americans are very well churched out. But it doesn’t seem to help us much culturally. In fact, in areas where churches are biggest and strongest (say NW Arkansas for example) people become much more artificially good. The image of goodness becomes more important and the need to be honest and straightforward starts to get confused and crooked.

Not that areas with little church presence are any better. But they are, at least in my experience, more honest.

Nothing is perfect and everything is twisted and convoluted. “For now we see indistinctly, as in a mirror…” I Corinthians 13:12 Of course we pray that the Father would help us to see things as they are, and the more I do that, the more angry I get.

I don’t know if my anger is justified (it seems so damn self-righteous), but I do know that the Evangelical Church has hurt me and many others in countless almost unexplainable ways. Much like emotionally abusive, but distant parents.

When I first started work on this post I wanted to describe it with this segment:

I squatted down in front of the kid as he struggled hold himself up against the wall. He concentrated on the M16. His body shook.

“Hodges, do you have any idea how hard it is to make me mad?” I asked. He looked up, and I stared him down. “I never get mad at people, but somehow you’ve really managed to upset me.” I felt no sympathy.

The kid had managed to repeatedly fail to do what he had been told. Failed to listen, failed to do his job, and that with me repeatedly trying to trust him and help him out. You can only violate my trust for so long. I tend to think I am not alone in this way of thinking. Hell, I’m probably way too tolerant. Compared with most people, I’m wait a little to long to get offended and make changes. Sure I rant and rave, but after I talk the anger is gone and I settle down. You understand even if you’re not like that right?

Well, unfortunately for my everlasting soul (as some people might think), I’m going to have to declare permanent and unforgivable anger toward the Christianity in America-- possibly the world. Like my little friend, Christianity, as seen in a theater near you, repeatedly violates trust and expectations.

This isn’t just a “people are imperfect” sort of thing. Everything is imperfect and I fully recognize that. Certainly the early church was imperfect. Certainly the people that make up any church at any period in history are imperfect. If it was simply a matter of imperfection I think I’d find myself (as would the rest of my generation) much more comfortable and welcome in the Church setting.

All the above stands true to a great degree, it’s my anger backed into a corner, waiting for something bigger. The bottom line for me is that I see little evidence of a healthy European Church (limited though my experience has been). Yet in some ways maybe the European Church is the healthy Model. It’s almost invisible and not particularly respected (from what I know). Whilst the American Church is hard not to miss, I feel it is considerably less healthy. It is totally disrespected in some circles and worshiped like a god in other circles. How can an institution filled with Millions of Apathetic people faking the funk or Zealots preaching hellfire and damnation to anyone breathing be the way to go? Every time I step into a Church (well almost, occasionally I find the Spirit uplifting and moving and teaching) it’s like stepping into some sort of Childish clubhouse where everyone wants to impress everyone else with their goodness. Just because you think good things does not make you good… If anything, the Gospel is not the corrections of sins, but the making us aware of sin and the trusting of Jesus to forgive them.

The church is not supposed to be good and proud! And this is the only church I see. Even the best churches where the Spirit moves I see “Good and Proud” “Let me show you how to be better” “Good and Proud” “Get Married” “Good and Proud” “Play silly board games” “Good and Proud” “Be careful about spending too much time with your Porn watching Drinking buddies” “Good and Proud” “Preach the gospel unless it makes you uncomfortable” “Good and Proud” “Preach the gospel so that it makes everyone else uncomfortable” “Good and Proud” “Liberals are destroying our country” “Good and Proud” “Conservatives just hate the poor” “Good and Proud”

I’m done. This is it. No more. Forget Church. Forget American Christians. I want to see the world the way God sees it and I know that’s not going to happen as long as I sit in the pew and look out through the stained glass.

I think the only reason the American Church keeps going where the European Church has died is our shorter, more intense spiritual tradition keeps the church staggering forward like a zombie chanting: “Good and Proud... Brains… Good and Proud… Braaaaaains…”

Philippians 1:18 “What does it matter? Just that in every way, whether out of false motives or true, Christ is proclaimed. And in this I rejoice. Yes, and I will rejoice.” I’m not convinced that Christ is exactly proclaimed anymore. At least, not in a helpful way. I have time to figure it out, I trust the Father to guide me.

For now, I have to avoid Christ’s Body because the Body around me is a Zombie. It clouds my vision. “Now I know in part, but then I will know fully, as I am fully know.”
May that which is perfect come sooner.

Father forgive me in my pride.

Sinful and Humble and nothing else to say… Sinful and Humble and nothing else to say… Sinful and Humble and nothing else to say… Sinful and Humble and nothing else to say… Sinful and Humble and nothing else to say… Sinful and Humble and nothing else to say… Sinful and Humble and nothing else to say… Sinful and Humble and nothing else to say… Sinful and Humble and nothing else to say… Sinful and Humble and nothing else to say…