| | It's late...probably too late which is why my mind is working the way it is, making me feel the way I do but I need to be honest about my thoughts. I am anything but a person who likes to bottle my emotions yet that's how things tend to go. I don't care if people, even though I wholeheartedly care about them, don't wanna hear about my unhappiness or whatever. I'm getting all of this out in the open. This might be sort of slow and jumpy because I like including every detail and for as long as I can remember, my thinking has been jumbled.
Sleep isn't an option right now. I'm about to complete the first step of my city study project (only 7 more genres to go, whoo) and then I need to wrap up my Spanish III homework. I didn't intentionally put things off tonight until what should be my bedtime but that's how things unfolded. After coming home from school, my dad needed the spend time on the computer to mess around with his taxes which was a blessing in disguise because I sat upstairs, watched The Goonies, and did all of my Pre-Calculus homework. I finished The Goonies but then Enrique and Stephen so I felt obliged to spend some time with them since we always have the best times. We only hung out for about an hour and a half so I came back home, ate dinner and watched a movie with my parents, and then tried to do homework but my sister was on the computer until 11:30 so it took a while to get started. Here I am now...
Anyway, I was wondering about what the point of putting myself through college and everything is. The way I see things, I'm going to be a lonely man my entire life. When I think about my purpose in life, the only goal that makes sense to me is making things easier for my parents. Is that so bad? The only times of my life where I've truly possessed a sense of belonging were on the swim team and whenever I've been able to put a smile on my mom or dad's face by doing something for them. Is it pathetic that I can't envision my future? I don't know which direction I'm heading in and with all of the people making plans surrounding me, I'm isolated. I feel lost, confused, and disappointing because I'm expected to make big strides.
I guess I'm just whining. That's what it always boils down to. Whenever somebody isn't cheerful, smiling, and ultimately fake, ignoring their actual feelings, nobody wants to be near that person. No matter what happens, I manage to think too much and find a reason to be discontent. Do you think that's why I've never made a lasting connection with a girl? I wonder why whenever I've felt like I could make an amazing relationship happen, it can't go further than our friendship. As much as I treasure my relationships with each of my vital friends, this is how my life is always going to be at this rate. I am going to be the 40 year-old virgin! Okay, anybody who knows me by now knows that my virginity isn't what's important to me but you get my point. At least my friends keep me happy...yet again, the majority of them have girlfriends and boyfriends. Efverybody must feel really sorry for me, haha.
2:00 is right around the corner. I need to start getting a proper amount of sleep...especially when you consider how heavy I sleep. It's something I love. My lack of it could explain my unhappiness along with frustration pertaining to school. The fact that students who don't have an English class are excused from the city study project is unfair, unjust, and complete BULLSHIT. Not only have I met all of my English credits, I could be graduated right now. Meanwhile, I have a full, 6 period schedule and am having this project shoved down my throat with daily doses of homework in every other class of mine. How do I not have grey hair?
If you read this, thank you. Trust me when I say that I would do the same for you. Onto finishing this crap so I can finally rest my eyes...and my brain...and my fingers.
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| | Posted 4/10/2007 1:51 AM - 5 comments
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