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Monday, May 12, 2008

The Growing

It's cold outside, but my mission to get this paper written surpasses any ideal comfort. I rush to the nearest Coffee Bean, hoping there are open seats to house my anxious typing. The automatic doors close behind me and I begin my endeavor. Yet, rustlings, purchases, spilling, cleaning, and more rustling about delays me by minutes at a time. Tick tock..tick tock...

3 hours pass, I have made one and a half steps of five. Tick tock, tick tock. But I am bored. The tedious task of tapping away at that which ceases to interest me but enthralls me at the same time. Paradox. Anticlimactic tendencies. Anxiety. Impossible resolution. Thomas Hardy. Neutral Tones.

Riiingg, riiinggg..."Hello!" gently exclaims her sweet voice.

K. Rae Sh. I miss her. "I miss you".

Dialogue, to and fro, passing between two separated individuals, beautiful women of the Lord. Time and space has torn us apart but only in the physical realm. But the Spirit keeps us kindred, of fellow-feeling.

Talk about the future, the passions, the heartache, the growing. The growing. What do we do? How do we do it? What are our callings? God leads us. We speak and think, we pray. Maybe our purposes aren't to change everything ourselves but to pray for change instead. I can't save everyone, but the Lord can. Yet, by no means do I give up. By no means do I leave the world unmarked by my endeavors and hopes. I must move, but if it is something that I expect to finish and complete in my lifetime, it is not my calling...for what I being in this life is to be completed by those that succeed me. Pass the baton.

The growing. We love over the growing. I miss growing with you K. Rae. Coffee just isn't the same without you. But the music remains. The music still plays gently on the strings of my heart.

We live, we grow. We grow. Together.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Okay, Now.

I'm doing better. I've slowly begun to make my way up the spiral. But, to tell you the truth, I had to hit rock bottom before I could begin my ascent.

The past week has been hell. It's still incredibly hard, and I can feel the struggle in my face. It hurts. I've been tried with conflicting emotions, thoughts, people, etc. But I eventually realize that God isn't willing to let me go. I'm not going to go into detail about it (if you want to know, just ask me), but it was quite a process of realization and self-denial. I've realized how hurt, angry, and unrighteous I've been. And today in worship, singing the words "clothe me in your righteousness" and "this is our cry, be glorified"said it all.

He's holding onto me tight. He won't let go. So, I suppose I won't either.

Cue said something today that really struck me: "Love isn't real until it's been tested". This isn't just true for human relationships; it's true about my relationship with God, and trust me, my relationship with God was most definitely tested this week. But, I think He's calling me to get to know him better. Maybe I've had a misconception of Him, or maybe different expectations. Maybe I didn't expect enough.

I think God is asking me to delve and dwell in the Old Testament. I think He wants to show me something, tell me something. I'm excited to meet Him there.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Not Yet

I'll be honest, I'm in a rut.

I have dwindled, as I live my daily task desperately and relentlessly fighting the same old thing over and over and over again. The cycle never ends; it's a downward spiral that slowly draws me to its center. I've been spiraling down in a tortuous way, but I've been fighting hard. Yet, it doesn't seem like my efforts to swim against these currents have been anything but futile. It seems as though I am just weak enough to fall short of the threshold that will push me over the edge to a point where I am able to make progress in my swim.

I blame it on the world, on this crap society that thinks it's okay to oppress. I blame it on those who would even have for a second the thought of hurting another. I blame it on humanity. I blame it on me, for I am human.

God has been pruning me. Usually, I can see where He is going to go with these sort of things, but this time I am unsure. The dwindling has lasted a while now, and yet I am still uncertain of the purposes. I know, I should be patient and obedient. I know God is doing something. I don't know what it is, I know it hurts a lot, I know it angers me sometimes, but if He can keep me going just strong enough to get above that threshold, then I know I'll see some promise. But what of it then? I can't seem to reach that threshold. Instead, I just see an abyss drawing me closer and closer, slowly and against my will, but somehow it seems inevitable.

I don't want to end up there. I don't want to fall away from the loves and lives that Jesus has provided me with. I don't want to fail. I need His strength. It's almost as if I am asking, begging him for that strength, but all he seems to say is, "Not yet". But God! I'm falling! Catch me now before I die!

"Not yet, not yet".

He hasn't forsaken me. I know He will eventually catch me, as He is saying "Not yet". In the meantime, I'm hanging on--by a thread, at least. Jesus, give me eyes to see your faithfulness. Lord, have grace on me. Please...

Please..

Please.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

He Lost A Friend

I was laughing and smiling when I saw S sitting in the lounge. But something caught my eye in him. It was the shape of his brow, the hurt in his face, the shock that brought him to tears. I asked him what was wrong, if he was okay. His answer was "no."

S's friend from back home passed away. I don't know how, in what context, or why. All I know is that S is sad, angry, broken. As he fiddles with a deck of cards, he ignores my presence. The silence speaks so many emotions, yet no words. I can almost hear the hopelessness in every breath that he takes, every sigh he releases. "Life is a bitch", he says. "So fuck it all".

I don't know what to say. My heart just hurts for him so much. I want to cry for him because his stoic expression worries me. He feels nothing, but feels everything at the same time. He tells me he won't jump off a roof or anything stupid. As much as it relieves me, the pain I feel for him is still intense. Lord, give me words to say.

He blames God. "This is when God screws you over".

I am silent.

I want to tell him about the Love of God. I want to show him. But, he's so angry. He's so hurt. He's so broken. He doesn't even want to look at me, what makes me think he will want to hear about how God is good?

But I hear him next door. I can hear his cries. I can hear him weeping and sobbing through the thin walls. He has lost a friend.

Father God,
Do you hear his cries too? Do you hear his desperate cries of pain? Jesus, you've given me a heart of empathy. But how, Lord, do I tell him about you in this wrenching time? Abba, I intercede for S. Lord, give him peace. Lord, lavish him with your grace upon him and do something in him. Somehow, let him know that you are Sovereign. God, bring him into Your kingdom somehow. Use me if that is your will. Give me courage. Give me strength. Give me a hope in You that I can help bring to him. Jesus, hearing his cries, seeing his tears, I know that only you can heal. Jesus, only you can heal. So, please, heal us. My Father, my God, heal us.

Amen.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

At the End of the Day

I've had a day of mixed emotions. There was a lot of nervousness, then excitement, then thrill, then confidence, then disappointing realization, then sadness, then more sadness. But then, at the end of the day, I am paradoxically overwhelmed by the simplicity of life. It was all when I saw a bird's nest in the crevice of my window. A place where beauty is birthed. A place of the wonders of the Lord's creation...

it's quite beautiful.