my epic fail

back in college, i had a massive, epic fail. i became friends with this guy(who shall remain nameless), but for the sake of this entry, let's call him RA (rick astley). i met RA through a mutual friend, and we hit it off and became instant friends. i'm sure all of you have met people like that before. i know i have many times, maybe it's because i'm so loveable. *shrug* anyway, we would chat and hang out a lot. our convos were really meaningful and we had a lot in common. before i knew it, i was falling for him. i got really scared because i've never ever fallen for a str8 guy before. it was and is the one and only time that's happened. i always knew my boundaries. i've heard from other gay friends of that happening, but i never thought it could happen to me. i can get over a crush with ease, but the connection i had with RA was slightly deeper and therefore, made it that much more dangerous. also, i was secretly hoping with all my might that he might be bi or something. my gaydar told me he was most likely str8, plus he's had gfs before. but he wasn't a manly, macho man, so i thought there might be a slight chance. call me naive, call me in denial, but sometimes the heart sees what it wants to see. i wasn't out to all my friends at that time, so he had no idea i was gay either.

i tried to shake it off, but it didn't work. i even tried to stop talking to him, but he would always try to talk to me if so that was a no go as well. i told myself i wasn't gonna let this control my life. then all of a sudden, out of the blue, he got with one of our mutual gay friends and our friendship ended faster than it started. it turns out he WAS gay. i was so broken hearted, i couldn't even concentrate on school. i even ended up on academic probation that quarter. it was my first time falling for a guy, and my first heartbreak, yet the other guy never even knew, and still doesn't know till this day. you know the story, friend hooks up with another friend, and you don't see or hear from them much anymore. .i haven't seen RA in 5 years, give or take, but we say hi to each other once in a blue moon. last i heard, he was trying to be str8 and is dating girls now. *shrug* even though my feelings for him are gone with the wind, i'll always wonder what would've/could've happened if i had the balls to make a move.