I don't like being this cynical

Wyrdling	spinning through the webs of synchronicity

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Posted by: wyrdling Original: 12/10/2005 12:01 PM Views: 51 Comments: 7 eProps: 12 Read Comments Post a Comment Back to Your Xanga Site

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2 eProps from: SaintMahone freebirdgonewild benzcuta agrochick78 AFinalWarning TewSmart4U

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Saturday, December 10, 2005

I'd been laboring under a general working assumption that the sort of people who'd screw you over for money were actively malignant rather than banal and typical.
Granted, right now I'm working in the real estate industry, where an overpreponderence of fools with dollar signs glazed into their eyes can be found.

I just thought you had to be a toxic sort of person to lack integrity. Whereas, actually, you just need to be weak. You just need to lack integrity. Apparently that's far more common than I realized.
I didn't grow up around weak people. I thought my classmates were exhibiting the symptoms of unregulated self interested childhood when acting malignant, but I guess I just sort of assumed that most people grew into an awareness of a sense of personal responsibility.

Which explains, I guess, one reason I'm so often baffled by the behaviour of other people. I expect they already know things that to me are basic. I end up getting hurt because I assume better of people than they deserve. But I hate to be cynical, or inherently mistrustful. I can't allow myself to not give people the opportunity to express their best selves.

I don't want to be prejudiced by inaccurate first impressions.
Yet I need to learn to listen to my instincts.
Otherwise I swing on a yoyo of giving people too much benefit of the doubt, and getting hurt and retreating into my own reality, cutting off the world and wounding people who've invested concern in my regard.

I guess the trick is to work on discerning which reactions are unvalidated cultural imprinting, and which are my gut telling me to pack my bags and run for the door.

If I'd known this three years ago I might not be a mother now.
So I guess I got something decent out of that particularly extreme expression of naïveté on my part.
Still, I'd rather have a reliable partner at hand if I ever find myself gestating life again. The child is a miracle, but I'd like to let someone else do the 3 am diaper changes once in a while.

Posted 12/10/2005 12:01 PM - 51 views - 7 comments

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7 Comments

"I just thought you had to be a toxic sort of person to lack integrity. Whereas, actually, you just need to be weak. "

that's right on the money. like you, i always labored under the delusion that the kind of people who could allow horrible things to happen in this word were really evil to the core. then i woke up and realized that most of them were just too weak to live a life that's not black & white. it's easier to let things happen then to live a life of complication and have to confront complex situations.

tangentially and somewhat off topic, this is the same reason that propoganda is so powerful. it appeals to the simplistic reation in most of humanity that you don't have to consider grey ares, or the notion that there might not be a "right" choice, an easy answer.

anyways, i also believe that the best we can do is just be ourselves and honor the things we believe in. sooner or later you'll come across someone and touch them with your actions. maybe it will even change them. that's probably the best we can hope for at this point.

Posted 12/10/2005 10:23 PM by charm_me_asleep - reply

""I just thought you had to be a toxic sort of person to lack integrity. Whereas, actually, you just need to be weak. "

And again, that's about the long and the short of it. I haven't found, though, that this has necessitated any change of behaviour in myself. I still willingly give folks the benefit of the doubt unless I have good reason otherwise, just when the penny drops there's disappointment moreso than surprise. The delusion that I labour under is that most folks want to be good, and that has to count for something. It's just that it's usually harder, but it doesn't mean that it's not there...

Posted 1/1/2006 7:37 PM by SaintMahone

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LOL Great read! Peace!

Posted 3/12/2006 12:58 PM by freebirdgonewild

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Hey nice profile.. add me on msn dizzyduda@hotmail.com - im trying to meet some new friends in my area :) xoxox monica - ps i have a webcam so msn me and ill go on :)

Posted 7/27/2006 10:20 PM by benzcuta - reply

oh where is my genius lady..its been a long time.wake up.

Posted 9/22/2006 3:10 PM by agrochick78 - reply

Hello
I like your site. You worked hard to make it simple yet elegant but I see that you don’t write here much anymore!
I like to write articles about God and religion on my site. I want to help people to really get to know God, especially in these troubled times. Jesus gave us a message of hope that is in the Bible: 14 "When the good news about the kingdom has been preached all over the world and told to all nations, the end will come." (Matthew 24:14) (CEV) I hope you get a chance to look at them.

Posted 4/22/2007 7:13 PM by AFinalWarning