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| sorry 4 no post babes, this wont b long either.. I misscarried 2days ago :( Its cut me pretty bad.. so ill start postin on here again in start of July.. just need to get my thoughts together.. Ive had that and my best mate over here found out my real age, i tried to explain to her that its not my choice of lien about it, its jus things i did in my past which led me 2 the way things r in my life now. . but no she didnt get wat i meant, i dnt blame her tho.. i have HAD to lie to her for four yrs now about it :( gah.. take care babes,, b bak so0n xo | | |
| OMG! wat have i dun? how could i let this happen? I HAVE always said i would never have an abortion! They are the cruelest form on this earth buit wat am i to do.. if i have this baby ill be keeping him/her.. i would never give my child away but how can i do sumthng like abortion 'it' when its something i have always been so strongly against.. ok i no i got to think of 'our' future and if i can support this baby but then if i will have a life.. its jus so hard! i had a break down yesterday.. well kinda.. i just froze & started crying my heart out.. i had so much shit going thru my head but i couldnt stop and think about one thing..
I told the dad last nyt! GAH! It was My best mate Kim, teh dad, his brother ( who was teh guy in my last post who asked me out.. im actually considerin SHIT! ) anyways and me.. at teh end of the nyt we were walkin down my drive & i jus said to him ' can you wait a sec.. ' so we waited and walked abit behind the Kim & Jonsey & i told him 2 stop & well it was hard to say but i got it out.. & for about 15mins all i heard was fuk, r u kiddin, shit i dnt no wat 2 say, fuk this is a first.. which i spose is a gd thng so i no he doesnt go gettin chikis pregs all the tym.. so then we sat down for a chat a couple of houses away from mine just us while teh otha 2 sat on my drive way.. we basically had so much silence it was awkward.. we both have no idea wat 2 do.. after about 30mins we decided to go bak 2 mine and tak about it in teh mornin ( 2day ) cos he was quite drunk.. where i havnt been drinkin only wen my mates get way sus i will have a sip.. anyways.. 15mins after bein in my ro0m he jus starts sayin ' what do you think we should do?, do you want it?' blah blah blah.... this went on for about 3hours.. the whole time im saying pls leave it we'll tlk bout it in the mornin ( for the fact that i dont want 2 hurt jonsey ) but while he kept saying this NO LIE! for about those 3 hours plus an extra hour he was tryna ho0k up with me.. Kim & jonsey were on the couch & we were on the bed.. like we could not have been closer cos i thnk he THOUGHT he was whispering.. but anyways.. the whole time i would have to take his hand out of my skirt or shirt.. then he was sayin can he kiss me and 2 b honest that made me feel like shit.. Ive basically jus told him he might b about to become a dad & all he is doing is sayin ' i like you ' & tryna ho0k up.. ok so i no alot of drinks were involved but still.. and then so he left at about 5 am.. Kim left to and it was me & jonsey & for some reason i REALLY wanted to just kiss him.. Him & i always sleep together ( as in jus huggin eachotha from drift off to wake up & we have kissed a few times ) but i couldnt do it.. I ended up havin 2 ask him 2 leave after about2 hours of that.. This is teh worst situation.. i convceived a baby 30mins before i found out my sis was pregs & went off at her so.. wow i cant really tlk can i! &you no wat.. HE HASNT SHOWED UP TODAY FOR OUR CHAT! fuk.. i feel like shit.. wat am i going 2 do.. my parents r bein bitches and gah im jus so alone its not funny :( | | |
| FYI THER IS ANOTHER POST BELOW THIS BUT IVE BEEN SO BUSY LATELY I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO COMMENT ALL OF YOU.. XO
0k so my mind is all over the place, i found out last Thursday that i am pregnant.. GAH! wtf do i do? Ive been tryna c teh Dad since i found out, we were suppose 2 spend the wkn 2getha with our mates but he had other plans.. & well i dnt want 2 tell him over the phone for the fact he myt hang up.. i need to get him 2 cum out without bein sus so i can tell him but jezz im so scared..
I actually found out 2 wks b4 tht my sister is 4-5 months pregnant.. I went off my head at her.. she 20 at teh end of the yr & had about 3 or 4 abortions.. (slut) anyways she is keepin this 1.. but the thing that pissed me off is tht she says she will b with this guy for life.. thay have been datin almost 5 months.. so yeh she got pregs early & he is teh biggest drop kik.. smokes weed everyday, doesnt have a job.. i thnk im more concerned than anything for her but meh..
SHIT wat do i do!.. i cant have a baby at this point in my life.. i need my career.. as selffish as tht sounds but then again i would love a baby.. i jus no i cnt support one at the moment :(
Then ther is this drama..
The guy who is the Dad of my baby.. well i like him ALOT!! but he has cum out of a 5yr relationship not long ago & i dnt want 2 tell him how i feel jus incase hes not ready for another relationship.. anyways..
wen we slept together its been abit strange since like after we went downstairs where everyone was & spent the nyt layin 2getha & ths guy called my otha mate 2 get my numba 2 ho0k up & he was lyk nah fuk off shes mine now & all ths stuff..
then he went out for an hour and came bak & i was in a bad kinda mo0d cos my x called & was bein an asswh0le so i didnt tlk 2 hIm ( teh guy i had jus slept with ) & now its really weird between us.. only seen hIm about 4-5 times now & we hardly tlk but i was pretty sik the otha nyt from drinkin & he lo0ked after me the whole nyt & its weird cos i like hIm a hell of a lot & ppl around no &
apparently its obvious but i dunno,, i dnt wana go say it 2 hIm.. anywasy the next nyt after we slept 2getha hIs youngest brother ( 18 ) spent about 8 hours followin me around tryan ho0k up in teh end i said i dnt get with brothas but now he txts me stop & wen i pass out he 'tries to wake me up' by kissin me.. so with hIs brotha doin tht its made teh sitaution more difficult
& then hIs other brother whose 2 yrs yunga than hIm ( guy i slept with ) umm.. well we kissed the otha nyt.. nuthn major.. were both pretty drunk & lyin in bed 2getha & now every chance we get we try get away from everyone 2 b alone but its strange cos we dnt actually do anythng & now im startin 2 thnk i lyk hIm.. but im confused cos i no FOR SURE that i like the guy i slept with who we'll call X but then hIs brotha that i
kissed who we'll call Y has sumthng about hIm tht attracts me 2 hIm..( he has already told me he likes me so i dnt no if im havin these feelins for him jus for the fact that i no he likes me ) but i dnt want 2 lo0se my chances with X whIch i dunno if i have ne... apparently he ikes me but hes jus cum out of a 4yr relationshIp not long ago whIch he doesnt no i no so i dnt want 2 b a rebound but then im fkd if i get with Y & find out i had a chance with X..
I no my main priority is 2 talk 2 teh babies daddy.. none of my mates i hang around no & its so hrd tryna make up excuses with why i shouldnt drink and stuff & omg i have already gained about 8kgs.. like wat! its cos i eat alot wen im stressed and i am wayy stressed
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| hey hunniez!
Just wanted to let you no im still here.. your support is awesome! sory i havnt been on lately, been on watch pretty bad! got caught with laxies twice.. hadnt taken them for almost 3 wks ( which is the longest i have gone in about 2 yrs now ) until 2nyt.. to0k 24.. meh..
My birthday next Tuesday.. wahoo.. ive been drinkin my troubles away lately.. well honestly drinkin everynyt.. if im workin the next day i jus get tipsy and go 2 sleep..meet one of my guys mates olda brothers ( there 8 guys me & my chik mate r constantly with.. 2 being brothers ) but i met the olda one who moved from nsw the otha wk & well we ended up ho0kin up & he went and told all the guys we got kinky & all.. but he is really cute & .. ( at lyk 4am they left 2 go find a macca's open so me & my chiki mate were left there and fell asleep & when they came home she woke up but i was out to it ) anyways.. as they came in 2 of teh guys were pokin me tryin 2 wake me up 2 EAT! *fuk* & keep drinkin & i was dozin so i was about 2 wake up & hes lyk ' nah bro dont do that 2 my babe.. ' & came and lied down next 2 me & spooned/hugged me then i woke up about 30secs later and threw up lol.. then i realise that dude lives in my complex! argh.. hvnt seen him in the past wk but i duno if i like him or wat.. i was pretty drunk so i dnt even no if the sex was gd.. but meh 1st tym.. can always work on it lol.. the next nyt a mate i have known 4 yrs really pissed me off cos he kept talkin about my bo0bs al nyt & grindin on me so i sat on the couch & chukd a blnaket over me & he came & sat down & put his hand under the blanket & started feeling me up.. it to0k me about 10-15mins 2 get him off me then he jus yelled at me infront of everyone.. fkn asswhole.. & then the guy i ho0ked up with who i was jus tlkn about.. it was my chiki mate, the guys brother & one of our mates drinkin & teh brother 2 teh guy i got with kept tryna ho0k up with me for about 6 HOURS! in the end i sed i dnt get with brothas.. wink wink.. and even tht didnt work so i was like brb goin 2 chek my hair.. and bam went 2 bed lol.. with all this drinkin i have gained 5kg! argh! weigh in on monday & friday tel u how i go! much love.. xo | | |
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Hey babes.. how r ya?
me.. meh so so! That guy from new yrs eve, who in my last post i tol du i was ova.. well he's been on my mind lately.. meh i dunno, i dnt want 2 BE WITH him but i thnk the fact that we have gone from being close 2 not speakin.. arh i dunno
This week my mind has been .. well i dunno my whole mood has changed ive realised ( Im leavin 4 Los Angeles next yr in November ) that this time in my life is well critical.... i need 2 b gettin my body right, perfectin my lo0ks, earnin enough money & gettin prepared 2 jet set across the globe.. I no its still awhile away but thngs happen so fast when u r planin a move.. Im going to put in my application form 2 a few modellin agencies in the U.S in end of May.. Ive set out my weight goals.. im lo0kin up good photographers so i can start a portfolio again.. I have a modellin/promotions job in June.. which is gd!!
4 Months after i arrive in LA 'Playboy Magazine" are havin a casting call so im going 2 go for that.. im not slutty.. ive jus always wanted to be in Playboy.. lol i wrote it on my xmas wish list when i was 8 along with fake bo0bs, heels & a manicure lol.. no lie.. My brother & his mate will be there then ( ill b livin with them )
Im goin 2 NZ at xmas.. i leave on the 14th Dec for a couple of wks.. I want a mate 2 cum with me but.. meh i dunno.. Lately my mates have gotten really protective of me.. i want someone who is willin 2 have a gd time & let lo0se.. i memba bak in the day me & my mates had the best times.. im not jus sayin that.. i had the time of my life with them.. & well then i got ' boney ' as thay say & meh.... i no over there i will b party'n constantly.. shoppin everyday lol prob %60 window shoppin haha & not 2 put any of u girls off me but i will probably b doin 'E'.. I plan 2 have the best holiday that i can & my mates have already sed thay want 2 cum but the rules 2 them r ' if we go out. thay can do whatever but i can only drink a certain amount, i HAVE TO eat 5 times a day & i cant do drugs '.. as so0n as thay sed tht.. my whole idea of a HOLIDAY! vanished.. not 2 sound mean but im not goin 2 ask them 2 cum with me now.. i jus want 2 act lyk.. o nuh im not goin & then maybe the whole o yeh i am now..but fuk i want a mate there! y can ppl always rule my life?
how have u all been goin?? pls tell me! xox STAY STRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ONE LAST THING!
iS THER SUMTHNG IN UR LIFE U HAVTA LIE ABOUT CONSTANTLY APART FROM UR ED?? 4 me.. ther is one big thing!! due 2 teh fact that i got into quite abit of shit with my sister before we moved here i hadta change my age 2 sum ppl & also parts of my past.. SHIT u girls r the only ones who no this.. i dnt really tell ne1 who i hang out with wat i got upto livin in nz & only about %10 no my real age.. u seriously have no idea how hard it is & how upset i get about havin 2 lie about it.. its like everytime i get close 2 sum1 i start 2 let things slip.. im not going 2 blame my sister 4 this becos i got myself into the situation but it is honestly the hardest part of my day havin 2 lo0k into ppls eyes weitha i no them well or thay r jus clients ( obviously it is harder if im close 2 teh person or care about them ) but if i could take bak wat happened or if i could yell out the trhuth which i try hard not 2 do everytime i get close 2 sum1.. i would do it in an instant.. 4 example.. my clients think im 19.. my x thinks im 19.. The thing i worry about most is what happens when ppl find out the truth? am i goin 2 b left with no mates jus because they think i lied on purpose? Will my clients hate me because i have broken there trust? | | |
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