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| School is done, for good.
I didnt cry like i thought,
i still think it hasnt hit me.
i'm sure reality with smack me in the face sooner or later.
hopefully later.
but until then, all i do is smoke outta my new baby.
:D
| | |
| damni'm 18 and graduating on sunday.
life is fucking crazy right now.
i can't even try and pretend like everythings okay.
i need help.
| | |
| Reality is hitting me.A week from sunday,
i will be walking across that stage.
getting my diploma.
and starting a whole new life.
and i'm not going to lie.
i'm scared as fuck.
i'm scared to grow up.
i'm scared of whats to come.
i'm scared i'm not going to make it anywhere in life.
all i can do is cry.
i'm being forced to grow up
and i fucking don't want to.
this shit is fucking lame.
My birthday is in 1 day.
well technically
1 day and 22 hours.
but whatev.
i'm fucking excited for it.
and yes it's on my mothers day
i have to share my 18th birthday with my mother!
but oh well, its a good thing i really fucking love my mom haha.
but anyways.
since no one reads this, i guess its only for me.
hmph.
goodnight.
| | |
| My story. 2003-2007I was 13 years old December 1, 2003 and it was just a normal day, like
any other. It was a monday and we were going back to school and
dreading it. Me, Ashlyn, Blaik and Brooke all lived in the same
neighborhood and rode the bus to school together. Like i said,
everything was normal, except for one thing... Ashlyn had given blaik
her birthday present 9 days early. She said that she just couldnt wait
to give it to her, but i thought "there had to be another reason..."
But i went on with my day, went to all my classes. And after school all
four of us met up in the parking lot because blaiks sister was going to
take us home so we didnt have to ride the bus. Before we got in the car
to leave, Ashlyn broke up with her boyfriend, that she really liked, we
all thought that was very unusual and she was just being really weird
that day. But again, we thought nothing of it and went ahead and went
home. I was grounded at the time so i had to go straight home, and
everyone else did too. About 15 minutes after being home, i get a call
from ashlyn. She's crying and i asked her "whats wrong" And she said "i
really liked britt, but i think he likes blaik, thats why i broke up
with him" i really didnt know what to say, i felt bad, i didnt like
hearing my best friend cry. i wanted to go to her house and comfort
her, but i couldnt, i was grounded. She continued to tell me "Brooke
you are seriously one of the best friends i have ever had, and i love
you very much". Was this her way of saying goodbye? I wish i had known
then, what i know now. Suddenly she said she had to go because her dad
was home, and that she would call me back. So i said okay bye. But her
dad wasn't really home.. She was by herself. She went up to her dads
bedroom and went to the closet and grabbed one of his ties.. She went
back downstairs to her younger brothers bedroom, which had bunk beds in
it. From there she tied the tie to the top bed post and put it around
her neck. She was too tall so she had to lift her feet in order to hang
herself. About 15-20 minutes later her dad and brother come home. Dayne
goes to his room and find ashlyn, unconscious and not breathing. He
calls for his dad and calls 911, gary takes ash down and tried to do
CPR. Meanwhile, i was just listening to music putting posters up in my
room and i get a phone call from blaik. Shes sobbing and i couldn't
hear a thing she was saying. I thought she was telling me her dog died,
but i knew whatever it was she wanted me there. I dashed out the door
forgetting i was grounded, it took me about 2 minutes to run to blaiks
house and as im walking up her drive-way i hear commotion behind me and
i turn around to see a bunch of cop cars, a firetruck and an ambulance
at ashlyns house. Blaik comes out and falls to her knees and says "ash
hung herself". I was in so much shock i didnt know whether to scream or
to cry. or to do both... Brooke w. comes up the street and we start to
watch but blaiks mom wants us to come inside because she didnt want us
to see them bring ashlyn out on the stretcher. They took ashlyn to
Wesley hospital in wichita where she was hooked up to a lot of machines
and tubes. By this time, her brain started to swell because of the lack
of oxygen and she had a lot of fluid in her lungs. That night, Me,
Blaik and brooke w. made a pact, if one of us kills ourselves, so will
the others, we couldnt deal with another death, if another one of us
was gunna go, all of us were. We decided that we should go see ash that
same night because we didnt know how much time we had to talk to her. I
was a mess, it was so hard to look at her in that bed in ICU. When me
and brooke went in she was having seizures, we held her hand and every
time she had a seizure she squeezed our hands, and her eyes would open
too. I never thought that this would be the last time i see my best
friends beautiful green eyes. We Joked around with her telling her that
we needed to paint her toe nails when she got out.. but that never
happened. Ashlyn lived for 2 more days. We prayed but nothing worked.
Her parents had to make a decision that no parent should ever have to
make, to take their child off life support. She could have lived but
she would have never been normal again, they didnt want to make her
suffer. December 4, i got the call from blaik "they are pulling the
plug, so we need to say our good-byes". I didnt want to believe it, i
didnt want her to die. But i went. I saw her in the bed, just laying
there. I was so upset that i couldnt even find the words to say,
although if i tried to say them it wouldnt have worked, i was crying
way to hard. The only thing that i could get out was "i love you ash,
im going to miss you SOO much" and i said good-bye.. thats the last
time i ever saw my best friend alive..
December 8 was her
funeral. She was 15 years old. She passed before she had a chance to
graduate high school, go to college, find the man of her dreams and
have beautiful children. The funeral was huge and it was so hard to
find a place to park. A lot of people came from school, her whole
church and family were there and they couldnt even seat everyone. I
could barely look at her body. It wasnt her... IT didnt look like her,
and i didnt want to believe it was her... She looked so fake.. like a
doll. She was wearing a turtle neck because of the bruising and the
hole from the tube they put in her throat.
After the funeral,
everything else in my life just went downhill. I never had the
motivation to do anything, to have fun, to hang out with friends. All i
wanted to do was sit by myself, and cry. Not long after her funeral i
started cutting myself. And that was my life for so long, until 2007. I
am now free from any of the self mutilation. I went through a lot of
therapy, i got hospitalized, and took a lot of anti-depressants. it
took me a very long time to learn how to love myself again, if i ever
even did love myself. I still get urges today, but when i do, i think
about everything that i went through to get to where i am today, i
think about what ashlyn would feel if she knew what i was doing, if i
just went back to my old ways, all those years of getting better would
be wasted.
A day doesnt go by when i dont think about ashlyn.
Little things remind me of her. I'll drive by a place where we walked..
and ill just remember everything. I miss her very much, but i know she
was in a lot of pain here on earth, and i don't care what the bible
says, shes not in hell. Jesus forgives anyone, and i know that ashlyn
is in heaven and she is free of pain.
I Love You Ashlyn Nicole Hosier.
R.I.P November 19, 1988-December 4, 2003
We miss you baby. | | |
| so i was thinking.about god.
if he is so amazing,
if he can answer peoples prayers.
then why doesnt he?
honestly its a fucking miracle if your prayer gets answered.
i stopped praying.
and i can honestly say i only KIND of believe in god.
the day he took ashlyns life
is the day i started to wonder.
all we asked and prayed for was for her to be okay.
to live.
to get better.
and what did he do?
left her a vegetable, forcing her parents to make a decision no parent should ever have to make.
if god loves everyone,
why does he put us through all this pain?
why did he make up such a thing as "suicide"
i think about this all time, especially when im missing ashlyn.
i wonder what she'd be like if she were still alive.
i know she'd be as beautiful as ever.
and guys would be chasing her like crazy!!!
Ashlyn, i miss you baby.
i really do hope your in "heaven"
if that even exists.
i hope your happier, wherever you are.
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