Currently Playing Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness By Smashing Pumpkins 1979 see related

God...life's all crazy now.

I believe Justin Cianciolo likes me again.

Gosh, I don't even know what to think, it's just so weird. I dunno. I don't even get why he would. We've been completely over, hadn't even been talking until a couple weeks ago. We were over five months ago. It's so weird. I mean, I loved this kid and now after three months with Joe, he comes and tells me he misses me. I read his latest blog on his myspace and it said like his goal for the year was to get his "old girlfriend back" and I'm like ahhh. Then at the bottom he talked about regretting "telling the person I love that I didn't love them" or something like that. I'm all GRRR! Why now, Justin?

And tomorrow, we're probably hanging out. Perfect.

Currently Playing My Heart Will Always Be the B-Side to My Tongue [EP] By Fall Out Boy Love Will Tear Us Apart see related

I feel like I'm destroying this entire relationship.
I almost know I'm doing that.

It hurts so much, but it seems like I can't stop hurting him.
Hurting myself hurts him.

God, why do I have to fuck up every single thing? I'm so sick of everything in my life always going wrong because I manage to screw it up. I just wanna fix it, but I can't seem to. Today sucked as is and the only upside was talking to Leigh, Bridge, Gabby, and Rachel after school, but then of course because he had a bad day, he yells at me, and of course I cut myself again. I don't think he knows that I did, but I did. I don't know if I can even see him this weekend, all we ever seem to do is fight lately because he can't figure out a way to make me care about myself and refuses to believe that I can't be helped.

I think I need some therapy. Lots of it.

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am

I don't know if I can deal with losing him right now. Not only would it be losing what's probably the greatest relationship I've been in, but I'd be losing a guy I've been friends with for three years.

...

Currently Playing For Never & Ever By Kill Hannah Raining All the Time see related

I'm weird right now. I just feel like awkward or something. I mean, last minute I was really considering not going to West Side Story. I dunno, something about Andrew (not the one in my last entry) and Alex is putting me off. I mean, don't get me wrong, the play was ace, but something about them...maybe I'm just paranoid and picking up on things that aren't there, but I dunno.

I don't think I have a crush on Fast or Sasser, but I think I'm caring way too much about what they think. I really don't know what this is about at all. Dammit, I hate being confused about my own feelings, it drives me crazy. I just want to push both of them out of my mind, but I don't think my psych is that strong...and that is just sad.

After the show, Rachel and me were suppose to see them, and apparently Rachel got a glimpse at Fast, but we didn't talk to them. I'm kind of glad in a way, but then it sucks, too. I think I think if I talk to Alex in person, him and I would be less weird? I dunno. But I mean, had we all talked, chances are that I would have been like an outsider or something. I hate social situations. I hate being the awkward one.

Why the hell do I even care? I need to stop dwelling on things that mean nothing to anyone else except me. Almost everything means something to me. Which reminds me, I need to stop being friends with people like Ryan, but that's besides the point.

So Bryan and me are in a fight. It sucks. He said I'd been mean to him lately and said something along the line of, "I think you can go without a ride for awhile..." Which to me sounded like some twisted form of punishment to get me to be nice to him, which I thought was totall bull. Then, the next day he IMs me and goes, "Do you still talk to the guys from Sacred Soul?" And I told him I did and he starts trying to get me to tell them to record at his studio. You know what? Fuck that. That is total bullshit for him to expect me to sell their souls to him after just getting into fight with me. He's fucking crazy if he thinks me having to walk is going to control how I act around him. Yeah, getting a ride is nice, but obviously Howard County thinks it's ok for me to walk from OM home, so I'm going to do it. It's not a huge deal, just an annoying thing, but whatever.

Currently Playing Beyond the Valley of the Murderdolls By Murderdolls Slit My Wrist see related

I'm maintaining my pathetic streak.

Living like life's going out of style.

Oh well, what can I do? I think I'm trying. I'm trying to look at life as beautiful, yanno? But I don't think I'm capable of doing that, yet I don't want to accept that life is always going to be like...well, like this.

I talked to Tyler a little bit today. He can be pretty chill. I know normally stuff like this goes in my other journal, but I don't want to feel like I have been stupid and completely misinterpreted him later on. So I'll just write in here how he wasn't an ass today. It was kind of nice, he was just kind of standing with Bryan, Angela, and me and was just talking about their show at Nation and stuff. He was acting pretty cool and didn't have some stupid remark when I said stuff to him. Eh, I dunno about people.

This guy named Andrew made me smile today. He called me a cutie when he left a comment on my myspace, hah. It's not true, but it was very sweet of him and it made me smile. He's actually pretty sXe and I definitely respect that and like guys who are like that. He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke/do drugs, and he doesn't have sex. It's nice.