[ death. ]

i've never been affected by it before. i've never been friends--hell, known someone--that died. it's a weird feeling--i dont even know if it can be described as one. it's a "going the motions, regretting, remembering, crying"-feeling. it's like feeling empty, but somehow worse.

i dont think we're made to understand anything in our lives. i think that every moment we have is so special. and i regret not realizing that until now. but if i learned anything it's that i have tell people how much they mean to me everyday.

i feel idiotic for having moments when ive been so close to the edge. i feel thankful for people the people that were there for me then. i feel lucky for having my parents. my mom sed "i love you" to me--for the first time that i remember. god, just knowing she's there for me is something i never want to take for granted.

so... stephanie, wherever you are: thank you for bestowing on me a lesson that i would otherwise not know... the gift & importance of life. you werent my best friend, but you werent a stranger. you were a part of my life--one that can never be filled the same again. i hope that happiness is what you have found. i hope that everyone affected by this--your friends, acquaintences--especially your family will find the solace they need. & i hope that you have, too. you'll always be in my heart.

[ It's all the same shit to me. ]

Geez, I don't ever have time to blog anymore. Life's way too hectic. Term paper here, exam there. I forgot all my worksheets in skool, but brought home all the textbooks. That just majorly sucks. Tomorrow, I'm singing infront of my history class, which I'm extremely excited about. (As long as I don't suck, that is.)

Things have gotten alot better, though. Certain things I've wanted I've realized aren't as unattainable as I thought. And certain things I thought I wanted--I realized, aren't what I want at all. I'm definately just doing that thing where you survive each day as it comes. haha--Yes, survive is the best verb to put in there. There's always insane obstacles in my life. Being focused is the best advice I could give anyone.

-----

++ rock out to me

Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you

As years go by
I race the clock with you
But if you died right now
You know that I'd die to
I'd die too

You remind me of the times
When I knew who I was (I was)
But still the second hand will catch us
Like it always does

We'll make the same mistakes
I'll take the fall for you
I hope you need this now
Cause I know I still do

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you

Should I bite my tongue?
Until blood soaks my shirt
We'll never fall apart
Tell me why this hurts so much
My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
But still we'll say, "remember when"
Just like we always do
Just like we always do

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you

Yeah I'd spill my heart!!!
Yeah I'd spill my heart for you!!!

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
Mistakes like friends do

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
Made the same mistakes

Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
Until the day I die!!!

--- story of the year

{ Isolation. }

It's been a few hours since my last post. Its 8:40PM and, well if you're looking for a jam-packed Friday night--you've definately come to the wrong place. I really hate it once it gets cold around here. Its that achy feeling--you don't like getting out of bed in the morning or coming out of a shower. I'm not out anywhere tonight. Not really wanted anywhere by anyone. Ever. By tomorrow I won't be here.

{ Empty.}

You may be reading this and you might know me. Chances are if you do--if you really, truly know me--you know that I'm not exactly on the Happy Train right now. You know what really sucks? It's knowing you're a certain way, but being catagorized in some contrived depiction of something you just aren't. It's the fate of knowing that there's nothing you can do to alter someones perception of you, but at the same time, knowing what it is and knowing it isn't you at all--and that you can't do anything to change it. He probably has no idea that I'm refering to him, his mom probably doesn't know that I'm refering to her either. Honestly the chances are that neither of them are reading this--or maybe, quite possibly the only person that does is me. But I don't care. In the past few months, I've felt a pain that not many can vouch for. It's like everytime I sit there & try to fix it, you know--make whatever it is I have left better--I find myself getting hurt again. I keep falling & I'm so scared that if I try or even pretend to make things better for myself my knees might just buckle and I'll find myself unable to get up. You know I'd really like to believe that the girl you see everyday is me. The one that smiles, and laughs--occasionally sings down a hallway. I want that to be me. But it's not. It's this analytical facade I portray everyday because it's better than exposing who I am right now. It's hard building up who you believe you are and then finding out one day you're just a typical girl that does drugs or smokes in someone's eyes. You know it's not true. None of it's true. Despite lack of efforts you're not a typucal girl nor do you get high with the gang every weekend. Infact you may pride yourself on what you don't do--how you don't follow the rest, how you're perfectly content not sublimating yourself to what people do in the catagory people percieve you in. I hope it's not too hard to believe that I'm not who you think I am. That maybe you're putting my facade in some contrived catagory. Maybe you don't know me at all. But then again, I probably don't either. This isn't about some teenage angst--some teen dramatized version of life. Frankly, whatever you consider my confused ramble means nothing to me. I've learned so much in these past few months. Sure, the butterflies shit--but beyond that--never say anything that you wouldn't want to hear. My mom once told me that she'll never tell you when she disproves of someone or something--she'll keep it to herself because nothing good can come out of a negative opinion. But she'll always be the first to congradulate someone when they do something that in her eyes seems worth credibility. So, never worry when my mom says something, only when she doesn't. She's right too. I think that I won't say something negative about someone again--because nothing good really can come out of it. Everytime I find myself hurting over something I try to stay focused, you know. Remember what it is that makes up me--the person I want to be--and how I have to strive and ignore the negativity that surrounds; not rebuke it. Incase you were oblivious--I am easily affected by someone or something. I can't just ignore an opinion, so if you are somewhat like me--just know that you will never hear me say anything about you that is negative. I can't offer any wonderous advice at the moment--unfortunately my fortune cookie brain has run dry. I don't even know if I have any thing to help myself. All I can say are the things I've learned these past few months...

- Friends above all else.
- Emotions are easily affected even if it doesn't seem like it.
- Never go out with someone because you "like" them; but because of the butterflies they give you that you give them--the inability to say the right thing, the thing that makes your heart beat louder, your knees weak. Don't go out with them until this is mutual on both sides. Because, beyond everything, the butterflies never go away.
- You're parents are right. Don't argue with them. All they want is your happiness & they'd probably give up everything to give it to you.
- We talk like we know what's going on, but we don't. We don't have any idea.We're really young and we're gonna screw up a lot. And through all of that, the only real thing we can offer each other is forgiveness.
- Highschool is a time to perfect you. It's when you discover who you are--what you like, what you don't. You don't need anyone else to stand up on your own. You can never relive a test or an experience. You don't need guys. After college--when you've finished your education and became the best person you could possibly offer--then give 'em a try. They'll always be around.
- Everything happens for a reason. If it doesn't happen as planned doesn't mean what will happen won't be exactly what you've wanted all along.
- Never do something that you wouldn't want done to you. It sounds simple, but it pretty much applies to everything.
- Above all else, follow your heart. Through all the trials and tribulations--it'll always be right. Through the pain, you'll be led to where you're suppose to be.