|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| Sometimes when you have nothing to go on
Not even a strand or a whisper of hope
Not a piece of courage or a morsel of faith
You can count on things that are impossible
And you believe by your counting on it
The impossible things you desire
Will become a very real possibility
- And that is how destiny is made. | | |
| Okay so summer officially started. Well this happened like two weeks ago, but have I ever cared about time? No, I have not. I care about very few things in my life. And these things may or may not be important, but care I will. Happy Independence Day everyone. I hope you enjoy and appreciate this fine country we live in. I, however, don't particularly enjoy this holiday all too much since I consider August 15th, 1946 MY TRUE Independence Day. Yes, I am an Indian through and through, and even though I was born here, I will never forget my origins. So I am in this MoMa art program thing where I am having lots of fun. However, as usual, my mother is intent on sabotaging my summer and therefore is constantly telling me to study chemistry, and mentioning exactly how much I have disappointed her in all the various ways she can think of. What a joy! So I have also taken up the hobby of getting "my coke rewards." So, if you are drinking Coca-Cola, or any other brand that is owned by Coca-Cola, please save the caps and tell me the codes on them. It would be much appreciated. In other news, I may actually need to take my mother's advice and study chemistry because if I don't I will definitely fail the SAT II Chemistry that I am taking this coming October. The one good thing about that is the fact that I will get to see my chemistry tutor's incredibly hot son once again. I really think this guy is the one. Okay, no I don't, but you know me. Any prospect is a good one! Hopefully we will talk about deep and profound things, realize our undying love for each other, and promptly recite our wedding vows. Ah, me and my daydreams. You gotta love them. I also have a whole gaggle (is that a word?) of sweet sixteens coming up. How I love sweet sixteens. They have everything that I look forward to in life: friends, dancing, food, prospective soulmates, cake. Plus, I know that as soon as I come back from them, I can sleep. Anamika's sweet sixteen was great until my dad came and made a fool out of himself, and by association - ME. Not only did he eat dinner and cake (when he wasn't even invited, and came at the last SECOND, mind you), HE ALSO danced with Meghna and Anamika, and did some crazy moves that look like they came from a John Travolta movie. It was absolutely mortifying for me to stand there and watch. I felt like I was watching a horror movie in slow motion. Yeah, so I'm pretty wiped out, and I guess I'm going to go to sleep. Goodnight!
REMINDER TO SELF: Call tutor, Make mom pay for Kaplan, Do some chem practice tests, Do hw for MoMa, Buy cards for Meghna and Monica, Get dad to fix camera | | |
| So today was SING! practice and it was so tiring and stupid because as usual, only half the population of our dance crew showed up. Why the hell did I get myself into this big fat mess? Directing isn't for me, I don't even do a good job at it. I can't yell or get people to listen and I'm not good at leading things. I'm more of a follower than someone who can take initiative and get a job done. Maan, on the other hand, is a great director. He has everyone's attention and he's really organized and orderly. I should have just been on the crew and that's it. It's not like being director is that bad, really. It's just that when I goof off, I get looked at more harshly than if the crew members are goofing off. And as everyone who's ever met me knows, I'm a pretty goofy person. It's hard for me to stay serious and focused. Anyways, aside from those two setbacks, it went pretty well. We got a lot done. Of course, if more people had come, it would have been better. Less teaching for us to do, and more learning would have gone on. But you know, what do you expect when a bunch of brown people do a dance together? So, we got to see some of the other dances, and I think this year, we may actually have a 1 in a million shot of maybe winning. The STEP crew was downright phenomenal, and the boy-girl hiphop is pretty fly. Now if everyone can get their act together by March, we may have a fighting chance against the Juniors and Seniors. It really blows that the Freshmen and Sophomores have to be clumped together, but I get why it's like that. Freshmen are too timid to take part in something big like SING!, especially with the workload that they need to adjust to. I didn't even participate in SING! last year, as I'm sure many other freshmen THIS year will be doing also. Since there's not that much participation from the Freshmen crowd, that's probably why they got clumped together with the Sophomores. Oh well.
Aside from SING! practice, life pretty much is the same. School is overwhelming. Lots of studying, homework, and tests plus no time to do it in. So you get a recipe for disastrous sleep deprivation, as usual. Life is having its usual ups and downs. I've been fighting with my mom a LOT lately though. She's always on my back about "MY FUTURE." Like, chill mom, "MY FUTURE" is still a good while away. I get that she's worried about me, and that I really should start focusing on what I want to do, what I want to become. But I also want to live my life, seeing how it is "MY" life. She acts like it's all about what SHE wants me to do. She pushes me and pushes me and pushes me and she doesn't realize that all the pushing she's doing just makes me want to do these things less and less. She wants me to write an article for the newspaper. How am I going to write an article if I can't even think of something official to write? All I can think to write is a ramble, much like the one I have here. Newspapers don't publish rambles. They want articles with good paragraph material, and a set topic, etc. etc. I am more of the "go off on tangents" sort of girl. I'm also a little afraid of what the response might be. My whole life I haven't been good for much. I sort of just get by on the bare minimum. I never really go above and beyond what's expected of me. On the other hand, I barely reach what's expected, sometimes not even that. Me getting into Stuyvesant was like a stroke of luck more than something that was a SET thing. I had no idea when or if I was going to get in, and when I got my acceptance letter, I found out I got in by exactly 2 measly points. 2 points less and I would be in Bronx Science at this very moment. I still don't know whether Stuyvesant was a blessing or a curse. I just know that no matter how much sleep I lose, how unhappy it might make me at times, or how much shit from my mother I have to take for it, I'm not going to quit Stuyvesant. I signed up for this deal, and I'm willing to face my consequences. It doesn't matter that I have a shitty average, or that I may not get into the Top Ivy League schools, or that I can't be that extraordinary little child genius who has no friends or social life to speak of. All that matters is that I'm here, and I'm staying, for better or for worse. When you make a decision, it's as good as making a legal bond. Like marriage, for example. You don't just divorce a person right after you marry with them. You stay with them and you try as best as you can. It may be hard at times, it may be frustrating, but you get through it and you roll with the punches. So I'm going to roll with the punches. And that's that. About my mom problem however, I just hope for my sake and hers, she stops torturing me. She always lectures, and nags, and yells. Never is there a morning where I can wake up, get dressed, and get in the car without hearing about my latest shortcoming with a side of the astonishing accomplishments of the rest of the Indian community. I could care less about the rest of the world, mother. All I want to do is graduate Stuyvesant with my sanity, and a 90+ average. I don't know if it's possible, but one can hope, right?
Other than these things, I just really want to shape up my life. I know I complain and whine about my life all the time on this thing, more to myself than others, since xanga is deader than anna nicole (joke joke ppl). But I know I have a good life. I have a family that loves me, good friends, I'm in a prestigious school, I'm pretty smart, and I guess I look decent too. I just want to make sure that my life isn't worthless. I always feel, when my mom yells and my parents criticize me, that I'm never going to be anything. Just a failure in life who thought they had the world under control. And I don't want to be sitting in a cheap apartment some day, with wrinkly clothes and a bad haircut, regretting all those moments where I could have worked hard instead of lounging around relaxing. I don't want to look back and know I could have been so much more. I want to be happy with who I am and what I am, and just know that I tried my best and this is where I'm supposed to be. I know life isn't all about fun and games, and that's what I need to start doing. I need to start playing less and working more. The less seriously I take school now, the more I'm going to hate myself later. So root for me people. Or God. Whoever is seeing this, just please pray for me. Because I need it. I need to be someone. And I need that someone to be good.
Ciao. Nikhita~ | | |
| Mr. Fucking Rubinstein is a piece of fucking shit and he should be fucking shot in the fucking ass and get herpes or something equally horrendous for the way he fucking fucks up our holiday vacation. 6 pages of fucking math bullshit is so fucking gay and its only suitable for a fucking gay teacher like Rubinstein cus hes a FUCKING ASSHOLE. He gets pleasure out of mincing people's happiness underneath his ugly deformed feet. He's such an unsincere, mean, obnoxious, sarcastic douchebag. FUCK YOU you fuckhead. FUCK YOU!!! Anyways, I hope everyone had a beautiful Thanksgiving. Mines went down the fucking drain because of fucktard Rubinstein, but I hope all of you enjoyed yours. I had chicken curry, naan, brocolli (with indian spices, sort of like a subzi, if you guys know what that means), mashed potatoes with garlic, cornbread, and apple pie. It was sort of like a Thanksgiving, remixed Indian style. So since it is Thanksgiving my list has got to go up with the rest of them.
1) I am thankful for being alive and my health
2) I am thankful for my family. I love my parents and my sister more than anything in the world and I wish them all the happiness in the world. I am eternally grateful for all the support and love they have given to me and every moment with them is worth a lifetime.
2) I am thankful for my friends (Special Shoutouts to My Brown Crew - Rifat, Rachel, MaanSingh, Tasfia, Faria, Moza, Gayatri, Monica, Naadia, Heema)
3) I am thankful for hot guys whom I can salivate over
4) I am thankful for being in Stuyvesant
5) I am thankful for the holidays.
6) I am thankful for my bangin` looks. | | |
| i'm always ranting about my life. i rant and i rave and i act like im the center of the world. like nobody else matters, like they don't have work, they don't have troubles, they don't have pain, they don't have all the same things that i do. i dont see anything from anyone else's point of view except my own. i only care how i feel, what i want, how bad i'm doing, what a horrible day i'm having. i never stop and listen to how others are feeling, how they manage to deal with their life's problems even though they probably have just as much if not more than me. they do it silently too. never complaining, always smiling, joking, shaking things off as if it was no more than a little chip on their shoulder. me, i always take things, even small ones, to be the end of my existence. i see all these great people around me, who can handle everything all at once, and never seem to fall down, and i envy them. i never try to understand them, to be like them, and see things as they do. instead i get mad. i get mad at myself, get mad at them, and i sabotage everything that i work so hard for. and then i get depressed again and i blame the wrong people. the real culprit is myself. i am the reason i'm so unhappy. when i liked raymond, i blamed it on him. maybe, if i just stopped liking him, i'd finally be happy. well now i'm over him, and i feel the exact same way. and its the same exact thing, at every stage of my life. i find someone, and i blame all my troubles on them. and when people try to help me, i turn around and push them away. i ignore people purposely, to see if i matter. i secondguess their feelings towards me, and i think i'm making a career out of breaking relationships. i never do anything to change myself, to help myself. instead i just feel like a failure, and go on feeling like a failure, and never try in the least bit to stop feeling like this. i take out my anger at myself and reflect it at those that deserve it the least. So, my friends are getting closer to each other. it doesn't mean they're getting more distant from me. but i get jealous, and i feel like that is the case. that just because someone hasn't talked to me for a day, or two, or even a week, they don't care about me, don't love me, aren't as close with me as they used to be. thats not the case. thats never the case. and every single one of them who i've ever confronted about this thing, says the same exact thing. rifat and tasfia were getting close, and i felt threatened. now i hardly ever see rifat and i don't make an attempt to hang out with her either. tasfia and moza are getting close, and i feel threatened once more. moza keeps trying to convince me that he's not getting less close with me, even though he's close with tasfia. but i always feel like that. always. i can't stop myself. im being self-destructive and i convince myself that just because my friends are hanging out with each other more, i'm being excluded. i have this odd little notion that i should be their closest friend, i should be the one who they're tightest with, even though many of them feel equally for me as they do about someone else. why do i push them to choose? i can't ever be happy just being close. i want to be either closest or nothing. what kind of a person does that? i push and i push and i push and i end up pushing so many away from me. this happened even before stuy, so i can't blame anyone EXCEPT myself. i am the root of the problem. when i change myself, then only can i expect my circumstances to change. i should be more easygoing, and let things go, instead of holding a grudge and being silly and trying to avoid them, so that they can miss me. it's stupid, and immature, and i am acting like a baby when i do that. i have to learn to take responsibility for my actions, instead of pinning the blame on everyone around me. i need to learn how to do everything at once, because there are so many people out there who are so much less fortunate than i am. and me with all my good luck and smarts, always has something to rant about. they probably keep their sorrows inside them, locked shut in their heart. me, i go on raving about every small little thing that goes wrong. things will get better. but it all starts with me. how i choose to deal with my problems, what i do to remain close to my friends. if i keep pushing my friends away, then eventually, they'll let me. there has to come a point when they'll become tired of fighting back. however, if i just accept that i'm their friend, though maybe not their closest one, then i can just integrate myself into the group, instead of sabotaging all my relationships. i'm always so confused, so sad, so depressed, so whatever. it's time i started growing up for once. im almost 15, i need to reshape my attitude, and reshape my life. | | |
|
