xListenxToxThexRainx's Xanga

completely in love.

Sat, 26 Jan 2008 21:05:39 GMT

Although it is such a singular word,
there are many variations of alone. There
is the alone of an empty beach at twilight.
There is the alone of an empty hotel room.
There is the alone of being caught in a
throng of people. There is the alone of
missing a particular person. And there is
the alone of being with a particular
person and realizing you are still alone.

The least you could do is take it back.
All the vicious remarks and verbal attacks.
'Cause i can't stand being around you anymore.

Sometimes in life, you hit that time when you just need to say goodbye.
When your past is your past and you need to get a new beginning.
Sometimes you have to realize that you're not who you used to be, and there are some things that you need to do.
Sometimes, these moments come and go, and they will never go until you fix them.
So just let go of him.
It's over.

When you die inside, you feel different.
You just don't care about what's going on,
You don't care about what's happening,
All you want to do is stay away from everyone and be alone

I am unbreakable but it looks like I could sometime soon
And you are unreachable about as possible as me touching the moon
I am unraveling unbearably empty
and if this ground gives way I just hope that you’ll catch me.

I will disappoint you.
I am everything I wish I wasn't and nothing I say I am,
I don't deserve the love I already know you'll give me.
I'm a wasting clock, ticking away;
Timeless, priceless, perfect imperfection.
Waste your life, waste your goals,
Throw it all away to be the one thing you hate.
I'm everything, I'm nothing;
I'm hideous, I'm beautiful;
I'm a terrible friend, I am your best friend;
I am a liar, I am honesty;
I am cruelty, I am kindness;
I am hate, I am love;
I am a pathetic existence.
But when you walk into my life, you won't see that.
I will laugh and smile, and be everything that you think I am;
Everything I can never understand.
I'll be everything to you.
I'll be the stars,
the magic,
the dream come true in your eyes.
I'll be your brown haired, petite, porcelain skinned doll.
I'll be the perfect someone that you'll never know.
But when you blink, I'll be gone.
I am a memory.

I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any of me left. Everything that ever caused a tear to trickle down my cheeks, I run away and hide from it. But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me. And I don't know what to do. I just know that the pain I felt so long ago, it's hurting ten times more.

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep and everytime tears rolls down your cheeks. But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet. Someday you will be loved.

Yes, it would have been wonderful to have grown old together, but that doesn't mean I regret the time we spent together. Loving someone & having them love you back is the most precious thing in the world. It's what made it possible for me to move on, but you don't seem to realize that. Even when love is right infront of you, you choose to turn away from it. You're alone because you want to be.

do you ever just get that feeling where
you dont want to talk to anybody you
dont want to smile and you dont want to
fake being happy but at the same time
you dont know exactly whats wrong

I looked out the car window today and I'm realizing that I miss you again, it's funny how out of nowhere you came to mind. The truth is, I wish you were still here.

Part of me wouldn`t dare to do it again,
& well part of me would do it again.
Part of me is scared & the other part
is completely reckless.

Damaged people are dangerous
Because they know they can survive.

I will be who I want to be,
not who you think I should.
I am going to dress my own way,
Not the way you want me to.
I am going to listen to the music
that I want to listen to; watch what
I want to watch; read what I want to read.
I will not let you break me down, because
If I'm not good enough for you, then you
Mean nothing to me

So back off, so back down to basics now.
We' live and learn somehow.
When the truth comes out sooner or later.
Sooner or later.
But I'm already gone.

Open your eyes, look at me,
I'll bring to you whatever you need.
And I'll tell you I'm sorry
that I can't take this pain away from you,
and I'd put it on my own body
if I knew how to.

lately i'm thinking that i don't feel quite like myself, and honestly, i feel like i've turned into somebody else 'cause you can change me like nothing else ever could. you could love me like no one else ever would.

when there's nobody left in your heart, left in your head. when the whole world has packed up in shadows and left you for dead. when you can't fake a smile and you just can't get out of your bed. when the people you led turn to you looking so hungry and bare, and you were the one that had brought them there. and all you can do is just stare at your hands and whisper my name.

We'll be miles apart
I'll keep you deep inside
You're always in my heart
A new life to start
I may be leaving but you're always in my heart

Monday, December 24, 2007

Mon, 24 Dec 2007 08:53:45 GMT

hi everyone..
update.
i now have a boyfriend. he's amazing.
he makes me so happy. which is a first.. haha.

okay here's stuff for you.

Sometimes you have to test someone. Not
because you don't trust them, but to see how
much they'll sacrifice for you. And sometimes
you have to let them go, not because you
suddenly stopped loving them, but to see if
they love you enough to come back.

Goodbyes make you think. They make
you realize what you had, what you've
lost, and what you took for granted.

Thats all we are now.
Memories in a taped-up box
under an unmade bed.
So if you happen to miss me,
take a deep breath in and
remember to forget again.
And stop calling me and stop
playing games because you've
let me down one too many
times now and my heart can't
handle another disappointment.

She's been through more than you will ever know.
If you want to help her, start by looking deep into her eyes.
It'll expose all of her bullshit lies

If you'd look inside her heart, you'd see how much she really cries. You'd find hidden secrets, best friends, and lies. But what you'll see the most is how hard it is to stay strong, when nothing's right and everything is wrong.

you can't waste time over missing something in the past. life changes, people grow up and grow apart, and you accept that.yet you still can't stop thinking of how good it used to be. afraid you'll never experience something like it again - afraid you've already lived it and already lost it

there are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. but keep in mind that letting go isn't the end of the world - it's the beginning of a new life. there are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.

Be strong now, because things
will get better. It might be stormy
now, but it can't rain forever.

why do people think it's okay
for them to do horrible things
to other people as long as they
apologize afterwards?

Too many people get caught up in what could be
instead of appreciating what is. Don`t fall into that trap.
Appreciate what you have & who you have,
cause the future can take it all away from you

If I die tomorrow, there will be people who have totally different memories of me.To one person I might be the bitch who thought she was better. To another person I might be the ugliest person on this planet. To her I might be the gorgeous, lucky girl who she despised because I was spoiled rotten. To another girl I might be the girl who got really good grades, so jealousy erupted.. To him I might be the girl with the annoying laugh. To another guy I could be remembered as the girl who wasn't anything to him. Maybe I'll be remembered as the girl who was always on her phone, or the girl my roommate disliked. But none of that matters, you know why? By my best friends I'll be remembered as the girl with the contagious laugh and the girl they would go to if they ever needed anything. By my boyfriend I'll be remembered as the most amazing and beautiful girl he has ever met. But most of all, I'll be remembered by my enemies as the greatest thing they couldn't add up to.

We were both selfish, but I think I was more
I would like to thank you, for showing me
A part of myself that I have never seen
Yeah, we were young and dumb, but it still was fun
And I guess these things just tend to fall apart
And I hope you feel the same
My empty promises
Brought us to an end
I just hurt you and I never looked back
Now I have no logic to defend.

it's hard to watch things change when all you want is for them to stay the same.
it's funny but stupid how you want everything & nothing at the same time.
it's crazy when you want to let go, but you keep holding on, and when you
want to move on but you're stuck right where you started.
when feelings come and go and you can't decide what you want.
when you have so many things to say but you don't know where to start.

In your heart, you know what is right & what is wrong. You know what will ultimately move you ahead & what will hold you back. Though you may be very good at rationalizing against it, the truth is evident when you make the effort to look for it. Though others may be skilled at talking you out of it, you know what is best for your life. Go with your heart. Listen to that voice inside you, the one which makes the most sense & which, in retrospect, is almost always right. In a world where deceit too often is just another strategy, develop a habit of seeing the truth with your heart & not just your eyes. No matter who else might want to take credit for it, the fact is that you have succeeded in bringing yourself this far. And you are the person best equipped to move yourself positively into the future. The value of your life experience is not only in your mind, it is embedded in your heart. Look at the world with all the good that is within you, & you will see it with sparkling clarity.

I've been trying not to love you, I've been putting up a fight.
I've been barely holding on, and letting go with all my might.
There's a part of me that's empty, I know only love can fill.
I'm afraid I'll never fill it, and scared to death I will.

Give me something to believe in,
because I don't believe in you anymore.

Take either all of me, or none of me. You can't
take bits and pieces and hope they fit together.

&& sometimes it just hits me out of nowhere,
All of a sudden. this overwhelming sadness rushes over me
&& I get discouraged and I get upset and I feel hopeless, sad, and hurt
&& once again I become numb to the world.

lots of things fade in life- pictures, memories & some
people say feelings. I think theyre always there, they
just hide sometimes. & maybe its cause they're just
sick of getting hurt or someone doesnt have feelings
back. but i dont think feelings ever really go away.

fields full of daisies

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 20:17:26 GMT

wow.. the weeks are going past so quickly now.
update.

I'm scared because I don't want anyone else to have your heart,
I don't want anyone else to kiss your lips,
I don't want anyone else to be in you arms,
I don't want anyone but me to be the one you love.
I'm scared because I don't want anyone to take my place.

Ive changed.
Hard to imagine isnt it?
I was such a naive girl when you knew me.
I thought that happiness was always so easily obtained.
Im different now.
I dont cry.
I dont smile.
I changed my hair too.
Do you like it? I do.
And maybe it hurts being this numb.
But then again you dont feel anything.
Nothing at all.
Except at night sometimes, when I begin to realize that Im completely alone.
Im completely alone.

unless you've lived my life,
don't judge me because
you don't know, never have
& never will know every
little thing & detail about me.

i wanna run, but only
far enough to make you, miss me. i wanna
take back all the shit ive done,
but i guess you were better off without me.

the world's a rollercoaster,
and i am not strapped in
maybe i should hold with care,
but my hands are busy in the air saying:
i wish you were here.

What am I fighting for?
There must be something more
For all these words I sing
Do you feel anything
I said I'm ok but I know how to lie,
You were all that I had
You were delicate and hard to find,
And I can never go back.

Well, I'm singing this song as loud as I can, as I
drive too fast with my best friend. I don't wonder
if you're wondering where I am, cause I don't
care if I ever see you again.

I want to be the girl that
changed everything. The girl
that made a difference. The
girl that gave you a different
story to tell. The girl that
you just can't live without.

No matter how much time goes by,
you'll never forget the first time he looked at you
& you fell in love with that boy's eyes.

If you'd look inside her heart, you'd see how much she really cries. You'd find hidden secrets, best friends, and lies. But what you'll see the most is how hard it is to stay strong, when nothing's right and everything is wrong.

I miss the simple days of being a child.
I love the immaturity that comes with childhood,
that carefree innocence that sets us free.
But as you grow older, you'll come to see,
we're robbed of our spirit.

When you kissed me, I considered it
my first kiss because after that, all the
other kisses were forgotten.

I miss the days when: boys had cooties, when recess
was too short. Life was too long. Decisions were
easy and were chosen by "eni, meanie, mini, mo."
Only skinned knees brought tears and when boys were
yucky. Goodbye only meant until tomorrow. When
your clothes didn't need to match. The only race issues
was who ran faster and fun went on f o r e v e r .

So it's not gunna be easy.
It's going to be really hard.
We are going to have to work
at this everyday, but I want to
because I want you.
I want all of you forever;
you & me everyday.

lost within two worlds

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 14:15:41 GMT

ohh boy.. i have an overprotective // in love with me boyfriend.. and an ex who wants another chance.. im so confused.
so yeah.. update!

Save yourself.
Because the only thing that matters
is that you get away from the pain and the thought of losing your mind.
Don't blame yourself.
It was everyone around you who made you act this way

Is it safe,
Is it safe to say we’re
Past the point of sweet talk
But not quite to the sweetness yet?
If I asked,
If I asked just one time would you
Take a step towards me and
Remove your tailored jacket?

She cries cause she's lost and she doesn't even know what she wants
And she hides all alone inside the pain that she wont let go
Watching her life pass her by, watching it all through her watering eyes
But I'll be chasing dragonflies from her darkest skies until the day she dies.

I'm sorry I've been so detached lately,
And that I can't even seem to find what to say.
I have all these thoughts inside my mind,
But I know you don't have time enough to stay.
I'll just continue thinking about this forever,
Even though you will never know...
And you will leave me one day and never come back.
But you won't know how much you meant to me.

And I will probably spend most of every day for the rest of my life
just thinking about you and the way you used to make me feel.
And i will wonder every minute why it couldn’t work out
And i will cry every night, wishing to be the girl you left me for.

scar tissue has no character. it's not like skin.
it doesn't show age or illness or pallor or tan.
it has no pores, no hair, no wrinkles.
it's like a slip cover.
it shields && disguises what's beneath.
that's why we grow it ;; we have something to hide

give me something worth living for.
tell me a reason worth fighting for.
give me anything,
anything to keep me breathing

never wanted anything the way that I want you
But my words don’t seem to matter
My words don’t seem to matter
And you look at me and I can see
The lies you’re running too

you do something to me that I can't explain
so would I be out of line if I said I miss you?
I see your picture; I smell your skin on the empty
pillow next to mine you haven't been gone for
many days but I'm already wasting away
I know I'll see you again whether far or soon
but I need you to know that I care and I miss you

I love you and I probably always will,
but we go days without having meaningful conversations,
and I used to miss you so much when that happened.
But it never seemed like you missed me,
and I guess because of that,
I stopped missing you.

It's the people who hug you & never want to let go,
the people who you haven't seen for months, but nothing has changed at all,
the people who give to you more than you give to them,
the people that truly understand who you are, the people who you cry about,
the people who you live for, the people in your photographs that
have light genuinely shining through their eyes & their smile,
the people that take your breath away.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 10:59:45 GMT

wow... im sorry it's been so long. but i'll be updating this more. with actual updates. not just me saying im going to n not doing it. sorry that life's gotten in the way. i mean.. new town.. new people.. family completely split in half.. new boyfriend.. yeah.. its hard.. and challenging.. but im making it thru.. so yeah. anyway. here's the update!

Sometimes in life, you hit that time when you just need to say goodbye.
When your past is your past and you need to get a new beginning.
Sometimes you have to realize that you're not who you used to be, and there are some things that you need to do.
Sometimes, these moments come and go, and they will never go until you fix them.
So just let go of him.
It's over.

Go ahead, say it...
You're leaving.
You'll just come back running,
holding your scarred heart in hand.
It's all the same.

And they all say shes so damn strong
they watch her walk with awe.
But they dont know shes a fucking mess
Just waiting to finally fall.

Today I made you a mix tape
to say exactly how I feel inside
and make you feel it to.
These are the songs that make me smile
and cry myself to sleep at night
when I'm lying without you.
I love you more than I ever loved anyone before.

These are the words that tear you apart.
And these are the words that take you away.
And these are just words they'll tear you apart.
When no one here will say what needs to be said.

Desperately waiting on something that's more than nothing.
I've been here forever waiting just to see your hands.
If you hear me cry, it's just something I'm always doing.
Desperately waiting; this wait, I hope it'll be over soon.

He was different.
He never said "I want to be friends."
After he said goodbye, it was like he knew,
he knew that he had broken my heart bad enough
when he saw my tears fall. He knew me well enough
that he just knew what to say. And when he
spoke, he looked me in the eyes and said,
"I hope you talk to me again someday."

look down at me && you'll see a fool.
look up at me && you'll see your god.
look straight at me && you'll see yourself
~Charles Manson

And I claim I'm not excited with my life any more
So I blame this town, this job, these friends
The truth is it's myself
And I'm trying to understand myself
and pinpoint where i am

Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Life's mystery seems so faded

I know you're worth the wait
And I can't explain
What I'm going through inside
But I would turn away the world
Just to have you here with me tonight

its been forever...

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 10:59:05 GMT

update..

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 16:52:01 GMT

well lately i haven't had time for anything..

soon i'll be moving.. another town.. almost an hour away.. so its not too bad..

but ive never been out of this town ever.. so it'll be weird..

plus i know.. only one person there so far.. so im kinda scared..

but i will try to put more quotes n whatnot on here.. after i move n things start to settle down again. \

i promise!!!! so... tell me if you want any certain kinds of things on my next updates...

ill be happy to find them for you..

other than that. im off.. life goes by wayyy too quickly...

Just Another Day..

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 09:29:22 GMT

wow.. omg. i'm so sorry that I haven't been on here in months.. school is hectic, along with everything else that has happened..

but to give you an update on me... im still in crutches.. it sucks... and a lot is going on..

i will try to get some updates sometime soon... so ttyl <3

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Sun, 13 Aug 2006 21:13:14 GMT

Hey everyone.. I'm back!

so heres an update.. and I'll try to update more... since I'm not too busy... but who knows.. well comment // subscribe!!!!!

Your hair reminds me of a time when were we once were
Your fingernails that marked my back now rot in earth
The sheets we slept in blew away, and now the storm is over
The taste of you inside my mouth remains, but still I'm hearing

There's no love, everybody's crying
There's no truth, everyone's misguided

I shout these words to those who never listened
I pen this letter with the utmost conviction
It's been dark in here, cold and rentless
It's been too long: I can no longer fight this

Evanescent like the scent of decay
I was fading from the race
When in despair, my darkest days
Ran amok and forged her face
From the fairest of handmaidens to
A slick perverted wraith

Cold was my soul
Untold was the pain
I faced when you left me
A rose in the rain
So I swore to the razor
That never, enchained
Would your dark nails of faith
Be pushed through my veins again

On a cold winter morning, in the time before the light
In flames of death's eternal reign we ride towards the fight
And the darkness is falling down and the times are tough all right
The sound of evil laughter falls around the world tonight

So far away we wait for the day
For the lights are so wasted and gone
We feel the pain of a lifetime lost in a thousand days
Through the fire and the flames we carry on

There she was, lost in the darkness, buried,
entombed, walled in. Anyone who could have
seen her in that state, after having seen her laugh
& dance in the sunshine, would have shuddered.
Cold like night, cold like death, not a breath of air
any longer in her hair, no longer a human voice
to hear, not a ray of light to see, broken in two she was..

So you buried all your lover's clothes
& burned the letters that he wrote
But it doesn't make it any better.
& the plaster dented from your fist,
In the hall where you had your first kiss
reminds you that the memories will fade

spend all my nights dead, face down on my floor
but the drugs aren't really working anymore
the nights are mostly just depressed
from staring at my open chest
i'm bleeding and i'm heartless, but i'm yours

I've learned that goodbyes will always hurt,
pictures will never replace having been there,
memories-good or bad will always bring tears,
and words can never replace feelings

All I do is think.
Every day, all day.
But all I think about is him.
He's on my mind.
Forever and for always.
All I tell myself is to never
fall in love again.

For now I may be sitting alone
in my room wondering why you dont love me...
But in 5 years you'll be the one sitting
in your room wondering why you're alone.

so the stairs that you could climb,
are the ones you've left behind.
and your eyes light up when we talk about the past,
god, i miss those songs we used to sing,
talking like getting away would be the greatest thing.
well me, i got out, and you, you kept singing to me..
like that's really gonna set this free.

There's nothing you could say to make me try to feel okay
And nothing you could do to stop me feeling the way I do
And if the chance should happen
That I never see you again
Just remember that I'll always love you

How are you sad?
Do you lock yourself in you room for hours?
Do you take the piercing pain away by pulling a sharp device along your veins?
Or block everything out by blasting hard core emo through the door…
Pop the pills?
Makes you kill, you’ll feel worse in the morning
Don’t be scared to look in the mirror
Start to rip your hair out here and there…
Are you sad now? Are you dead now?
Beat yourself to sleep.

and i swear my radio's haunted
cause i hear you in every song
but i know what the silence makes me do
so i give those buttons more abuse
i wonder how much punching it can take..
i wish it would break

Is this what you want
No words at all
Silent but sure of the things that you lost
Take all your words
To cover your lies
Secrets won't coat all your tears and your cries

I'm taking it in
I'm holding it back
I'm filling my lungs with the knife in my back
But you kept going on just to make me feel like this
Now that it's over
I won't feel the same
A broken frame with our picture is wasted
I've thrown it away

You are the one, the one that lies close to me whispers
"Hello, I miss you quite terribly" I fell in love, in love with you
Suddenly there's no place I could be but here in your arms.

and with one whisper from you to her ears
she knew that she had fallen all over again
always tripping and falling
with noboday there to catch her
only suffocating in her tears

and the words never spoken
are finally let out into the open
bringing tears neverending
of happiness and sorrow
as she looks into her future
and wishes on tomorrow

Let's just drive your car
We could drive all day
Let's just get the hell away from here
For I am sick again
Just plain sick to death
Of the sound of my own voice

Sending shivers right down your spine
It's something that you're prone to, so divine
You were better at lies [I was never surprised]
At the way that I felt
Now feel the blade [I was always insane]
But you're the one that needs help

Tears dont fall

Sun, 06 Aug 2006 00:12:41 GMT

Im so sorry guys..

that i havent updated in forever.. ive just been so busy.

well.. im not sure when the next updates will be.. maybe once things settle down.. and i get bored or something..

i just havent had any time really.. what with work.. and violin things.. and now i got a guitar today.. so yeah.

its just crazy. well leave me comments and subs... but other than that... my site is on hiatus til i come back.... <3333333