xMiakax's Xanga

We work til we die..

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 08:55:50 GMT

Well... its been a while since I actually wrote/typed anything up in here. Big updates on my life I guess, but they dont really seem to be heading any certain direction. I finally have a job, yet im not going to school... its more of a set back really. Im not going to school because of a screw up with classes and such.

So im working at Ross in stock, which basically means nothing cause we do every job there because of us being under staff and low pay role ~_~; The job... I must say is hard, its nice that I get all the hours that a person would if they got full time but this isnt a job I wish to keep forever... and I dont see me working more then a year there in all honesty. It's literally killing me doing the job day in and day out. Maybe im just weak cause ive never had a job... or maybe im just pampered or something. But I honestly dont mind baby sitting (which takes alot out of you) I dont even mind cleaning... which is a dity job. But... this stock job is insane. I have cuts and bruises everywhere possible... I have swollen fingers.. and by the next day I can barely process apparel and other things well.. because I can barely move my hands around. I have an insomnia problem... ive had one for a bit during high school... but not this bad... and im slightly worried about it. Which by the next day im tired... and I work slow... and its hard convincing my body to keep moving knowing I have no clue when im getting off that day. Last but not least.. as of late I seemed to have strained or killed my back... its bad enough.. that im having breathing issues... which its slight.. but I suppose its a concern none the less. (I take things lightly... if you dont know me well)

So with all this put together... it makes me think "Wow... I should REALLY get school done with" .... but then looking at it more clearly and with other facts in mind... I have no where to go. Yeah lets say I get my degree... it will only lead me in a field of competition, which if im chosen.. then I have to work my tail off to prove myself. It would be like any other grunt job with the up side of good pay.

I dont know... my interests must be bland... but I just cant seem to find a job that I have a REAL interest in. And maybe... in all reasoning.. thats just how it is. No one likes their job, but if you think about that... its kind of sad.

Take me down my rabbit hole..

Thu, 13 Apr 2006 09:08:40 GMT

“Why can’t you change?” People ask me this time and time again, mind you in intervals not all the time. Why cant I? Why wont I? It’s hard to say… but part of me likes who I am-then there is a part of me that just has come so accustom to my ways that I don’t think I can ever change

“Well you can ALWAYS change” No.. not true, believe me ive tried.. ive tried many times.. and im trying even harder now then ever. When I look at the mirror.. I see a face.. a face im tired with.. why? Because it’s the same face day in and day out. No.. I don’t think myself ugly.. but I don’t think im pretty either. The most ugly thing about me there is.. is my mind.

The way I think infects others.. and I really don’t want it to. It affects my family my surroundings.. and those whom I love. I seem to be more and more tired lately.. I sleep in too much and maybe its in my head.. but I feel sicker. Not sick in the head.. but physically. I tell my mother that I cant give her a ride cause im tired (Im the driver in the house hold) I feel bad.. she makes me feel bad.. saying how I never drive her anywhere. I do.. its just I hate doing it all the time.. even when its seven in the morning.

“Am I addicted?” I get lost on the internet.. games.. forums.. sometimes just making graphics for people.. None the less.. I feel like im losing myself. But what else is there to do? Watch a movie by myself? Ive done that.. its lonely.. and you cant comment or laugh with anyone. Go to a park? Alone.. everyone I know seems to be busy or busy with the net. Even the one person I wish to hang out with out of the whole world cant.. cause he has work.

Is it wrong to think about him a lot? To miss him even though I saw him the other day? I don’t really even get to see him much, so maybe my reasons are reasonable? I see him once maybe.. twice a week.. Is that enough? I feel lonely.. even though he says he is there. Maybe its because I have insecurity issues.

Yes.. I remember my past boyfriend.. I feel awful thinking about it. And that one guy that liked me.. and I liked him back.. yes.. I did about the same thing with him. I pushed them away, I told them goodbye. My ex.. yes.. I have other reasons for breaking up with him.. still doesn’t account for the fact of how. I just left, I told him goodbye and that I just wasn’t in love anymore. Why? How could I be so cruel.. was it because I was young? Stupid.. and the fact that he was an over the states relationship. I know.. for a fact this wont happen with him, with my boyfriend now. I feel differently.. more how to say it.. in love. Yet im afraid to use that word, no I say it.. but attaching too much feeling is what I mean.. if I do.. then maybe it will happen. My greatest fear.. loosing him..

“Your just being silly” My mother said “You just think because of past experiences that went bad, that it will keep happening.” She doesn’t understand.. I feel this way.. because I feel that he will be the one to leave. Not me.. no I cant.. it would hurt me deeply to do that. Why have I become so obsessed with this? Cause I think fate will turn on me and hit me back ten fold for what I did with my ex?

No… because now a’days people can up and leave.. why? Cause we fall out of love.. yes the feeling comes back sometimes.. but no one takes chances anymore to get it back.

Why.. why must I be so insecure about these things..?

Memories are all I have to cling on to now.

How you made me smile.

Held me when I cried

Kissed me in the rain

Memories... they are the things that keep me up at night.

Snow.. snow.. come again another day.

Wed, 15 Feb 2006 17:16:00 GMT

Alrighty.. so im in school currently, bored as hell. So im typing up another blog entry ^_^ After all.. im falling short on it. So v-day was wonderful! I enjoyed it very much! Although TC wouldn’t let me spend any of my money >_> (shame on him) it was kinda nice.. :x As much as I dont like to admit it, its nice to have someone by you things.. not because you really want the gift but because they care enough to see you happy ^^; (Am I even making sense?)

So yeah our day started out where we had to wake up early to go to breakfast -_-; god knows that was a pain.. I was soo tired and comfy.. but I managed to get up. So I was ACUTALLY going to wear a dress, yes indeed a dress. But not one of those dorky elongated gowns. Well.. my plan was ruined when we looked outside and loe and behold! It snowed >_> Though I cant complain because it allowed me to throw snow balls at people! ^_^

After breakfast and shoving whip cream into TC's face... er or more like nose? Then we headed off to go on the underground tour in Seattle. Now although ive lived in Washington most of my life.. I have never seen it. So it was a fun experience over all. Afterwards we went to Pike Place.. and it was a pain to figure out parking and (if I didnt mention before) we went in a group and got split up. So it came down to 4 of us going around pike and checking out the cool shops there. Afterwards we met up once again and headed to the Cheese cake factory :3 which has pretty good food, and I was too full to figure out if the cheese cake was the same. Lastly we went to the Paramount (sp?) to attend the 'Lovers Ball' which had comedians and some sketches performed. It was very hilarious! And over all I have a great night.

I gotta say.. that yesterday sure pulled me away from my normal repeated day of life ^_^ It was very nice to do something different for a change, especially with someone I care about alot.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 19:52:12 GMT

So updated my page yet again, been a looong while since I last updated it ^^; So yeah, the image on the top is my own creation. Fairly simple, but if you decide to use it/save it for some reason please at least credit me or tell me. I love to hear it when people use my own images. I'll probably get around to using some of my more cooler images for my profile, but I decided to go with a simple theme for V-day. So yeah that day rolls around again, I usually dont care for it much more so because my birthday is soo close to it that I rarely notice it >_>; that and you usually have someone to do stuff with that day which I didnt until now :x

So yeah I have plans for the 14th as for my birthday im in a setting mood of doing nothing.. buuut.. ill probably end up hanging out with friends or something of the sort. My mom wants me to do something but its not likely she will pressure that issue.

Ah and yes.. my sat. classes will be starting this week (or next..) how much fun :/ spending a Sat. at school.. heh

Monday, January 23, 2006

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 18:05:36 GMT

Well I remembered I havent updated this thing for a looooong while now. Not for a month + So here is my nice little update on stuff going on.

Currently I am getting involved with the Quixtar business, which is very cool and up lifting I must say. I am hoping to get my site up fairly soon so people can buy stuff, since I have a few family members interested in doing that. Plus get a few people under me. I just need to get off my lazy ass and get around to doing that.

Well aside from starting another quarter of college, not much is happening with that. Everything is fairly dull. But I guess since its the 3rd week now.. I shouldnt complain. I have all cpu classes, along with one art class; Photography. ^^; I like that one, the rest are basically things I already know and im kinda bored with doing. (Currently im at college typing this up.) The one thing I do hate is working on these god forbidden MACS, you will probably read about me complaining about them alot.

Last but not least, im starting to get in a relationship again. It's been a while, and ive learned from those stupid internet ones not to do that again. He is a nice guy and we were friends before all this. It's kinda funny cause I started to like him but was confused/nervous on what to do about it. For one I didnt think he liked me back, thats just how its been with me when ever it came to guys. Turned out though, that he liked me back.. so it worked out nice in that sense. I went on my FIRST date on friday. And yes, im 18, yes indeed it was my first date >_>; shuush. But I enjoyed going to the movies with him it was fun ^^

Oh and of course, I must say if you hated underworld the first movie. Then you should see the 2nd its.. much much better then the first. :3 If you liked the first then good! You'll like the second.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 23:56:23 GMT

Well halloween was diffrent, but there were good things about it as always. So I decided since I dont care much to talk about my halloween I will post pictures of my dollfies, outfit he wore to a halloween party dressed up as Cloud Strife ^_^

Yes.. my doll loooks gloomy :3 But I love him that way.

Here you can see the little badge on his shirt. I didnt make it but it was a welcoming thing at the party since it was FF based party (FF= Final Fantasy)

Kaine: "Err... are we done yet? That light is burning my eyes.."
Me: "Psshh.. you may be a vampyre.. but your hair is blocking any of the light.."
Kaine: "...."
Me: ^_^; "Heh.. yeah we are almost done!"

Here you can see the full view, im hoping when sakura con comes around I will acutally finish up the costume.

Whats missing?: Shoulder armor, along with his long sleeve on the side. His sword of course! And.. I need to finish the bottom of his pants. (Er and... phone.. but I dont know if im going to buy him one yet.)
What I altered?: His tank top ^_^; only the color though.. cause blue doesnt go well with kaine, so I made it black.
Who is he suppose to be cosplaying?: Cloud strife, Advent Children.
Inspired: I always liked cloud from the old FF7 games, so I guess.. I just thought it would be a simple and fun costume to do.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 18:15:06 GMT

Well school has been keeping me fairly busy. I had to miss friday cause I am sick... and im still sick but nothing I can do about it. So im at school at the moment.. hoping that it ends soon.. but it doesnt for a while. Atm im on a mac.. and its really annoying. I know what for most web designers/graphic artists use mac's but.. im sorry pc's are much better.

So yeah ive been bored as of late (aside from school) So im working on a new web page.. this one going for gaia online ^_^; cause yeah.. im weird like that CLICK HERE
There is the site so check it out some time.

PS: sorry its so short and pointless.. lectures are going on now.. so I cant type up much. (Oh and the links dont work on the site atm.. if I get around to it ill put them up soon enough!)

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Thu, 22 Sep 2005 17:22:30 GMT

Well havent updated this for a while. So im doing that now while im bored and playing around on my beautiful lap top ^_^ *hugs it* I am only online atm because im leeching off of someones wireless connection.. haha *evil grin* I love doing that, but this is the first one I found near my house. So im sitting on my bed getting used to the small keys of the keyboard on this thing. See I havent really used my new lap top because.. well ive had no reason to yet. (this is more for college then anything)

Hmm.. so yeah seeing corpes bride tonight at 12.. though heres to hoping it wont be sold out or anything. Gotta look that up acutally after I post this probably or my friends will be mad that I havent found the times ^_^; its hard planning movies because then you acutally have to do stuff!

So further updates.. school starting next week thursday.. and damn the school messed up my sqedual.. so that I start school at 11 and then get off 1? or something like that.. then since they changed my english class (I think my teacher did since thats usually how it goes) they decided to make it evening classes.. arg and now I have to go get two passes day and night ones >_< arg! So yeah.. gotta come back to the school at 4.. This is going to help with finding work eh?

Friday, September 02, 2005

Fri, 02 Sep 2005 13:47:14 GMT

AMYS MOM= Devil
Meh.. I dont want to get involved with anything she is doing -_-' but her mom called and I did.. fuck

On a side note! Everyone play mesa RO! [Ragnarok Online] NOW! You can find info on the side subscription link :) Lol.. someone made a xanga page for them. But pfft.. im suppose to spred the word :x

Ps: If you do play.. tell me!

Uhhh.. soo updates.. uh well im going to delete MSN msg today, cause well people piss me off, and its like all this shit happening and I go on there and my friends give me crap -_- when that starts happening I crash. So I dont want to speak with certain 'peoples' at the moment.

Biggest thing happening so far: Hurricane Katrina.. now normally id be like "Hmmm.. well thats interesting, I hope those people will be alright" You know the stuff where you care.. but cant relate personally. Well.. turns out my aunt is down there, I forgot where they had moved, but we cant get ahold of her and no one knows if she made it out alright or not... I am really worried. She is acutally a family member I cared for, even though she was a bit quiet.. and her husband I dont really know >_>; But I hope he is okay too..

Hoping is all I can do at the moment.

PS: I am poor hallie! >_< dammit! (inside thing.. I might talk about later)
(lol stole this from google)

Donate to the Hurricane Katrina relief effort .
(lol stole this from google)

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Wed, 31 Aug 2005 09:01:40 GMT

Hmm.. well its been a while since ive been on here. Not much of a suprise though. So yeah, life has been dull up until now. I went to a old friend get together thing. It was alot of fun because I saw people I havent seen in a long while. We call it the old group :) But yeah.. it was weird seeing amy once more, I didnt expect to ever see her again. And well.. I would have been fine if it wasnt for the fact that im getting pulled back into her crap again. Her mother called me yesterday, and ugg.. it was a mess. Im sorry, but amy and I dont talk anymore.. and thats how it will be for a long while I think. I can tell that even amy wouldnt have the guts to go and speak with me. Lol.. she wont even make eye contact.

I dont know.. it left me depressed. It's like im trying badly to move on with my life and forget about the pain and misery she left me with.. but I keep being reminded. Ugg.. life sucks at times.