I want to know everything there is to know.

It's sad that I only get this way and let my true academic inquisitiveness spill out when I am "forced" to. I was looking up Gertrude Stein and Post-Moderism on Wikipedia for class tomorrow, when of course it excited me way more than I thought it would. It's so exciting. It seems so utterly interesting and important to understand the history of art, of life, of what made us who we are today. Everything is so crazy subjective and relative. There have been so many great thinkers, geniuses, so many people trying to express themselves and create great things in whatever way possible.

It's times like this that make we want to be an academic. To just study, learn, write, and hypothesize my whole life. Like so many of my professors here at UCI. They are doctors. They've gotten so far in school that they've gotten a doctorate degree. And even though they have a day job, they are still learning and exploring every day because they work at a university. What an amazing life experience.

But am I meant for that kind of greatness? Would I be good enough?

I'm not one of those smart people. If I was, I wouldn't be as social and talkative as I am. I wouldn't love performing as much as I do. There's always those people you know in high school or sometimes college who seem keenly smarter than everyone else around them, such that it makes them socially unfit. It's like they aren't really teenagers. They just go home and read, study, learn, because that's what excites them. Their brains can handle it. They think harder, make more brain connections, than most people. It makes people think they are weird. When you think about famous and popular people of history -- Mozart, Einstein, Nietzsche, whoever -- you have to understand that they were probably freaks. So smart that they didn't have friends in society and were only accepted by other smart people. They lived their life to be smart, be inventive and creative, express themselves to the best of their ability, which, consequently, was also to the best of the ability of humankind itself. It's the best we have.

Sometimes I get a tiny tinge of wanting to feel that way. That I wish I could be like them, just go home and feel like reading about some new exciting topic like Cubism or the Dadaist movement. That's what I feel like my teachers here do. They are so immersed in academia they read and do things like that for fun, because it's their passion.

But I'm such a teenager. The teenager part of me will always take over and all I will actually end up doing is eating granola bars in bed and sifting through the various unmeaningful websites we visit on a daily basis to look at pictures of celebrities in bathing suits, see what your friends wrote to you, look at funny pictures of cats, etc. They make us happy in our stupid cozy little vacuum of dumbness. The relative dumbness of humanity that we are stuck in. And we like it. Only a few of us will escape and get to know and explore so much about the world and be important.

P.S. I'm going to be a music teacher and not an academic so I don't what I'm talking about.

Housing next year.
SCHOOL.
My major.
Money.

These are stressing me out beyond belief. It's partially my fault for being lazy and partially just the result of circumstances.

I'm glad I have Circle K, CDL, and my imagination to keep me sane.

My camera broke, but I can still appreciate others' photos and use other people's cameras a little.
I have no clue when I'll be able to buy a new one, and whether it'll be SLR or not.
And even then, which should I get.
I'm thinking of giving up photo, because everybody thinks they're a photographer and the amout of mediocrity and subjectivity in my and everyone else's work is insane, but in the end, I don't think I can let myself, just because I LIKE it.

Same with singing. College transformed me from a good singer to an OK singer. My life used to revolve around singing. I wish I could say it still did. Is singing still my "thing"? I sounded so bad at skit practice today that I don't even want to label myself as a singer anymore. This, like all things, will get better when I'm not sick/lost my voice. But I always seem to have an excuse.

Finally, I can't believe I've let my grades torment me this much. I know I have the ability to get A's in all my classes. I know that I can make learning a fun challenge, especially when I'm taking things I'm passionate about such as music theory and history. However, my brain is numbed and dulled. Perhaps this is just another step on the way to adulthood. Adults don't have the active, information-soaking brains that kids and teens do. I abhor turning into that, but if these past couple quarters are any indicator, I'm already numbing, already dulling into boring adult unsatisfied oblivion. Boooo! Give me 10 more years of fun and I'll be happy.

If I'm not accomplished or confident in some way, I don't feel like a real person to myself.

The bulk of a lot of my entries are self-deprecating/about putting pressure on myself/trying to change myself. This is not an comphrensive view of Rebecca (I like a lot of things), but it is only ever the wisfulness and the frustration that I feel like blogging about. :]

Oh and boys suck.